Kind of a spin-off.. How do you phrase compliments when you think someone has lost weight?

[aleutsi]

I find it difficult coming up with words to say to someone when I think I've noticed they lost weight.

My problems are:


What if I'm just seeing things?


What if they weren't trying and didn't think they needed to lose weight?


How can I phrase it so that I'm sincere - people who I've noticed lost weight looked great to me before they lost weight and now, honestly, they don't look BETTER to me, they just look different. I don't like implying someone looks MORE beautiful just because they have fewer inches in their measurements - even if they are ok with it and think so themselves, I just can't honestly say that and it will come out as empty flattery.


So I tend to not say anything unless they bring it up and then I say things like "Yeah, I can really tell you've been working so hard!"

[BlueMama]

"You look great!" but I tell people that for a variety of reasons :).

[bumblebee]

I don't compliment weight loss at all.

[Mumbly]

I tend to be the same. I felt a wee insulted when I lost weight that I got TONS and TONS of compliments. I mean...it made me feel like wow....I sure must've looked like crap before! :hmmm:

Yes, I got this feeling a lot. Every single time I see my cousin's fil he compliments me on the weight I've lost, tells me how good I look, keep it up you're doing great, etc. He's one of the sweetest men I know, and I know he's being very sincere, but sometimes I think he must've thought I looked horrible. And one time dh told his mom that I'd bought a certain sized jeans and she made a comment about it to the family and for some reason it just pissed me off. She was being very kind and was so proud of me, but it made me feel, Idk, kind of embarrassed.

I like the compliments like "You're looking great" or if it's real noticible "You look like you've lost weight"-although I don't like hearing that from the same person all the time. I hate hearing "How did you do it?" because I didn't go with a plan, I just changed how I was eating but since I didn't use a "plan" I feel like maybe people might think I have an eating disorder since I lost so much. "How much weight have you lost?" is a big no no for me, too.

[renee]

I find it difficult coming up with words to say to someone when I think I've noticed they lost weight.

My problems are:


What if I'm just seeing things?


What if they weren't trying and didn't think they needed to lose weight?


How can I phrase it so that I'm sincere - people who I've noticed lost weight looked great to me before they lost weight and now, honestly, they don't look BETTER to me, they just look different. I don't like implying someone looks MORE beautiful just because they have fewer inches in their measurements - even if they are ok with it and think so themselves, I just can't honestly say that and it will come out as empty flattery.


So I tend to not say anything unless they bring it up and then I say things like "Yeah, I can really tell you've been working so hard!"

I just say, "you look fantastic!". If they've lost weight and want to talk about it, they will.

[gfrach]

I don't mention it because I've *thought* people had lost weight when they hadn't and then they and I both felt very uncomfortable when I mentioned it! So I'm like you, I don't mention it unless they do.

[sarahs]

I just say, "you look fantastic!". If they've lost weight and want to talk about it, they will.

Ditto. I do like to compliment people because I know I like to hear it when I look good. I mean if I think someone looks good, I'm going to say it. But I don't hinge it on the weight. (And I compliment on non-appearance related things too of course!)

[MorgnsGrl]

I don't comment on weight loss or gain unless the other person brings it up, and then I tend to say things like, "Well, you look great! But then, I thought you looked great before, too."

Having been in the position of having lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time, I always felt uncomfortable (if vaguely pleased) when people mentioned it. It was confusing. I was only keeping the weight off by doing bad things to my body, so I felt guilty when people told me how awesome I was for losing the weight, especially if they said how it was great that I was 'getting healthy' when in reality I was a lot healthier before even at the heavier weight. I was annoyed when people who previously hadn't paid me any attention suddenly had time to start a conversation with me.

[Nancy]

Yes, same here. Most of the time it is really apparent to me and it would be rude not to mention it, IMO. I can't recall really being wrong, and as a habitual weight loser, I'm glad there are people out there who notice, it gives me a nice rush and a pat on the back.

Most of the time I know the person is dieting, so it isn't out of the blue for me.

[bumblebee]

Yes, this is very much how I feel, plus much more. But I have unconventional beliefs about weight loss overall.

[Vicky]

Yes, this is very much how I feel, plus much more. But I have unconventional beliefs about weight loss overall.

I think people can become too obsessed with how they look, as opposed to how healthy they feel. I am losing weight predominantly for health reasons (arthritis in my spine and knees and foot problems) but I have to say that it is a boost to my self-esteem that my clothes fit better and I FEEL better. When people mention that they notice I have lost weight I feel good - my hard work is having a result that is real and tangible and other people besides myself can see.

You know, it suddenly occured to me that this conversation should perhaps be moved to YOWLS, if you care to continue it. I would be very interested in hearing your views if you would like to share them.

[jerzymama]

I *never* compliment weight loss for the all the reasons people have already mentioned. I will mention it if an outfit or if I notice someone has a haircut I try to say something like "You're always gorgeous but you look amazing in red."

[bumblebee]

I think people can become too obsessed with how they look, as opposed to how healthy they feel. I am losing weight predominantly for health reasons (arthritis in my spine and knees and foot problems) but I have to say that it is a boost to my self-esteem that my clothes fit better and I FEEL better. When people mention that they notice I have lost weight I feel good - my hard work is having a result that is real and tangible and other people besides myself can see.

You know, it suddenly occured to me that this conversation should perhaps be moved to YOWLS, if you care to continue it. I would be very interested in hearing your views if you would like to share them.

Thanks for asking! Actually, I think it makes more sense to post it here than in YOWLS, since my current beliefs vary greatly from many of the posts there (or, the pre-crash YOWLS, since I don't think I've read YOWLS at all on the new board). I'm posting because you asked, but my goal is not to offend anyone or to debate.

Over the past two years or so, I've been delving more into the Health at Every Size movement:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health_at_Every_Size

http://www.ars.usda.gov/is/AR/archive/mar06/health0306.htm

http://kateharding.net/but-dont-you-realize-fat-is-unhealthy/

Very condensed, but I no longer believe that one can conflate weight and health or that weight loss and improvement in health are explicitly connected. And I completely disregard the BMI as a measure of health.

[bannanabette]

I find it difficult coming up with words to say to someone when I think I've noticed they lost weight.

My problems are:


What if I'm just seeing things?


What if they weren't trying and didn't think they needed to lose weight?


How can I phrase it so that I'm sincere - people who I've noticed lost weight looked great to me before they lost weight and now, honestly, they don't look BETTER to me, they just look different. I don't like implying someone looks MORE beautiful just because they have fewer inches in their measurements - even if they are ok with it and think so themselves, I just can't honestly say that and it will come out as empty flattery.


So I tend to not say anything unless they bring it up and then I say things like "Yeah, I can really tell you've been working so hard!"

Well I try to say "Wow, you look great!" or "spiffy outfit today!" If I know they've previously shared with me that they've been dieting or doing something that should result in weight loss (which honestly is usually the case) then I would say, "You look like you've lost weight"

But I will tell you, I LOVE it when someone tells me that I lost weight - even if I haven't and I know for a fact that it's a new haircut or whatever. So if you ever see me - heck, if we ever meet for the very first time, please feel free to go ahead and tell me that I've lost weight! ;)

[Meagan]

I find it difficult coming up with words to say to someone when I think I've noticed they lost weight.

My problems are:


What if I'm just seeing things?


What if they weren't trying and didn't think they needed to lose weight?


How can I phrase it so that I'm sincere - people who I've noticed lost weight looked great to me before they lost weight and now, honestly, they don't look BETTER to me, they just look different. I don't like implying someone looks MORE beautiful just because they have fewer inches in their measurements - even if they are ok with it and think so themselves, I just can't honestly say that and it will come out as empty flattery.


So I tend to not say anything unless they bring it up and then I say things like "Yeah, I can really tell you've been working so hard!"

I never say anything unless they mention it and are proud of it--then I will say "I thought so, but didn't want to mention it in case it was a sensitive topic" or something.

But I will say that I am kind of oblivious to weight loss in most people unless it's really drastic. Somebody can drop or add 20 pounds and I very often won't notice at all until it's pointed out. In fact, I thought an acquaintance had lost weight last year but didn't want to offend her, wasn't sure, thought maybe it was a new haircut or whatever. I finally couldn't help it and said "umm, soo, errr, did you lose a little weight?" She said, "um, YEAH, EIGHTY POUNDS!"

[Sue]

I always wonder what questions are *too* personal. *I think "Have you lost weight?" is a personal question. But I see people happily chatting about their weight all the time. I:dunno:

So I tend to not say anything unless they bring it up and then I say things like "Yeah, I can really tell you've been working so hard!"

[MorgnsGrl]

But I will tell you, I LOVE it when someone tells me that I lost weight - even if I haven't and I know for a fact that it's a new haircut or whatever. So if you ever see me - heck, if we ever meet for the very first time, please feel free to go ahead and tell me that I've lost weight! ;)

It's so interesting that we're all so different! I HATE it when someone asks if I've lost weight, especially when I haven't. I hate to think that that's what they're thinking about when they consider me, and not if I'm happy or how I'm feeling.

[MorgnsGrl]

Very condensed, but I no longer believe that one can conflate weight and health or that weight loss and improvement in health are explicitly connected. And I completely disregard the BMI as a measure of health.

I just wanted to say I'm right there with you and I LOVE Kate Harding, she's awesome. :)

[bannanabette]

It's so interesting that we're all so different! I HATE it when someone asks if I've lost weight, especially when I haven't. I hate to think that that's what they're thinking about when they consider me, and not if I'm happy or how I'm feeling.

I basically try and take the best possible interpretation of what people say to me - if it's not the words that I like, then I'll take the intent if I can. I used to have a hard time taking compliments of any kind, but now, I genuinely try and feel that if someone says something to me that they think is nice, then it's nice - even if it's not the way that I'd like to be complimented. And I try to think that no matter what words they use to express it, they're thinking that I'm worthy of being praised. Maybe it's not what they think - maybe I haven't lost weight or cut my hair, but whatever it is that they've mistaken, they're not mistaken in their desire to say something nice to me and that I look good, or better, or happy.

Even the comment someone made to me about being pregnant - I realized that he wanted to be happy for me and that something about the way I was carrying myself made him think I was... oh, I dunno, fertile. And you know, at 43, that's not such a bad thing to be complimented on. :)