How do you deal with braggarts and people who have to constantly be better than everyone around them?

[gfrach]

I know a couple of people like that and they really drive me crazy. You know, the ones where you say your DH is a software engineer, and they go off about their relative who makes *oodles* of money designing software and is sooooooo in demand. Or they have to tell you all their latest accomplishments--what awards they've won or whatever. Or the ones whose children are sooo perfect and can do no wrong and they must tell you all the time about how perfect and smart and wonderful their children are by telling you all the things their kids have accomplished. Or the ones who travel a lot and must tell you all about how such and such happened the last time they were in Italy, or whatever. :gross: I'm all happy for people whose children are gifted and who accomplish a lot of great things in their lives, but these people go over the line past just chatting about happenings to themselves and their children--it's really more of a oneupmanship thing.

Maybe this is just a vent but really they just make me a little crazy! And I think there must be a way to deal with them.

Rachel

[collier]

I know a couple of people like that and they really drive me crazy. You know, the ones where you say your DH is a software engineer, and they go off about their relative who makes *oodles* of money designing software and is sooooooo in demand. Or they have to tell you all their latest accomplishments--what awards they've won or whatever. Or the ones whose children are sooo perfect and can do no wrong and they must tell you all the time about how perfect and smart and wonderful their children are by telling you all the things their kids have accomplished. Or the ones who travel a lot and must tell you all about how such and such happened the last time they were in Italy, or whatever. :gross: I'm all happy for people whose children are gifted and who accomplish a lot of great things in their lives, but these people go over the line past just chatting about happenings to themselves and their children--it's really more of a oneupmanship thing.

Maybe this is just a vent but really they just make me a little crazy! And I think there must be a way to deal with them.

Rachel

I make fun of them to DH, so that is not worthwhile advice. :p

I can't stand it though! I really do try to avoid having conversations with those sorts of people, because there isn't a conversation, it is just a one-sided conversation. I hope someone here can tell you, because I will be listening. :)

Best!

[gfrach]

LOL!!! Yes, well maybe my DH has had too much therapy now because all he says to me is "it's obvious they're really pushing your buttons". Well, no duh!!! LOL!!

[Sue]

Oh boy, take the good with the bad eh?
LOL!!! Yes, well maybe my DH has had too much therapy now because all he says to me is "it's obvious they're really pushing your buttons". Well, no duh!!! LOL!!

[Sue]

Or they only have a *few* things to make their lives so wonderful they keep talking about how wonderful it is.

I know a couple of people like that and they really drive me crazy. You know, the ones where you say your DH is a software engineer, and they go off about their relative who makes *oodles* of money designing software and is sooooooo in demand. Or they have to tell you all their latest accomplishments--what awards they've won or whatever. Or the ones whose children are sooo perfect and can do no wrong and they must tell you all the time about how perfect and smart and wonderful their children are by telling you all the things their kids have accomplished. Or the ones who travel a lot and must tell you all about how such and such happened the last time they were in Italy, or whatever. :gross: I'm all happy for people whose children are gifted and who accomplish a lot of great things in their lives, but these people go over the line past just chatting about happenings to themselves and their children--it's really more of a oneupmanship thing.

Maybe this is just a vent but really they just make me a little crazy! And I think there must be a way to deal with them.

Rachel

[Peggyann]

I have known a woman named M. since we were in 3rd grade.

Everything is **WORSE** for her

~you get a cold, OMG, she had double walking zombie pnumonia
~you have a nightmare, OMG, she totally has night terrors and sleepwalks

and then, OTOH, in her opinion SHE is perfect and her husband is perfect and her kids are perfect and if you do everything like she tells you to, YOU'LL be perfect too! :gross:

I had to stop talking to her, because it was getting harder and harder to fight the urge to :mouthfull: :brickhit:

~PA~

[sarahs]

I make fun of them to DH, so that is not worthwhile advice. :p
I can't stand it though! I really do try to avoid having conversations with those sorts of people, because there isn't a conversation, it is just a one-sided conversation. I hope someone here can tell you, because I will be listening. :)

Best!
nt

[mirage1]

I just smile admiringly and give lots of praise, then probably avoid them in the future. :p

I really like to hear about people who are doing well and I love to be happy for people's accomplishments or whatever, but even I have limits!

[jump4joy]

I would just ignore and move on. I guess it depends on what context you have to interact with people in. If someone is a good friend, I'm always happy for positive things in their life. But if someone is just always around one-upping, I would politely move away and talk with someone else (like at a party or something).

OTOH, I think it's hard to be on the other end, too. I find myself trying to guard against this and I probably don't always do a totally good job of it. I am enthusiastic about lots of stuff, and I have a lot of life experiences and am always doing stuff. So if I don't watch it, I could be the person always talking about my kids or where we've gone or what we've done or whatever. I don't think it's always about "bragging" but sometimes about being excited about one's life and not meaning to overgush but doing it accidentally. I also talk more when I'm nervous, so I think people who first meet me might either think I never shut up, or that I never speak (because I try so hard not to talk too much).

So I guess I see it from both sides and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially when first meeting them. If it seems like they really are consistently trying to brag or one-up, then I would move on. But if it seems like they are just sharing (albeit maybe a little too much at the time), then I would give them some time to settle down.

[retro]

I really like this Robin! You said it all SO well!

:)

[Storymama]

It's actually an insidious form of bullying, I think. They are driven to constantly make sure nobody has more (or *any*) limelight than they do. Surely, it's exhausting to have to monitor all of that :p.

Like all bullying, it's fundamentally about lack of self esteem. Because you are not going to fix this person with *any* kind of response, but a whole lot of them can escalate things badly . . . I recommend the same approach for this as for all bullying: just agree with them. (Yes, the bully is wrong. I know. The point here is what's best for *you.*)

You: I think our fishing trip with C was really fantastic for him . .
Braggart: I caught the biggest fish last week you ever saw . . .
You: That was really nice for you. What do you think of these flowers?

The idea is that if you agree with them, you take the wind out of their sails. Like all bullies they are looking to batter you when you disagree in *any* shape. Complaining that you were talking about your own story . . . is disagreement (in their eyes.) A bully has NO IDEA what to do with someone who refuses to play along, you know?

I do think that braggart are kind of a special subgroup who are actively seeking your approval, as opposed to just wallowing in self loathing like the garden variety. It probably means that agreeing with them will diffuse things even faster.

Ultimately, what these people are saying is I AM A TINY LITTLE PERSON WITH NOTHING INSIDE . . . and by implication: "...unlike you, you fantastically well adjusted person." So, you know, just model the oodles of Well Adjusted you posses, redirect them, and be annoyed secretly.

[Tracy]

I've dealt with that twice. The first time it was someone who had been my best friend for many years. The last straw was when we both had family members who died on the same day and she went on about how her loss was worse than mine. I stopped speaking to her or answering her calls. The next was with someone who had become a good friend after we moved to AZ...I stopped talking to her too. When the relationship feels like a contest, then I drop it. Something funny was my best friend kept having to hear about how this other friend did that to me constantly and she finally suggested either to A) "break up with Anne" or B) Carry a slip of paper with comebacks written on it so I wouldn't just stand there, mouth gaping :-)

[mirage1]

OTOH, I think it's hard to be on the other end, too. I find myself trying to guard against this and I probably don't always do a totally good job of it. I am enthusiastic about lots of stuff, and I have a lot of life experiences and am always doing stuff. So if I don't watch it, I could be the person always talking about my kids or where we've gone or what we've done or whatever. I don't think it's always about "bragging" but sometimes about being excited about one's life and not meaning to overgush but doing it accidentally. I also talk more when I'm nervous, so I think people who first meet me might either think I never shut up, or that I never speak (because I try so hard not to talk too much).Cassie's teacher brought this up... the first few weeks of school she thought Cassie was a REALLY full of herself, because she is exactly that way. She DOES have a very healthy ego but from having heard her do exactly what her teacher was talking about, I know she isn't trying to one-up, she's just excited and proud and wants to share!

I have tried to help her see the difference though, and consider the context. The example I gave her is, if someone says, "Do you read a lot?" and you say, "Yes! I love to read! Just this last week I read the 7th Harry Potter book for the 5th time!" that's fine.

But if someone says, "I just read the first Harry Potter book!" and you say, "Oh, isn't it cool? Just this last week I read the 7th Harry Potter book for the 5th time!" ... well, that comes across in a completely different way. :beaten

[bumblebee]

The last straw was when we both had family members who died on the same day and she went on about how her loss was worse than mine.

OMG how awful!

[gfrach]

Good point, Mandi. I definitely realize it's an insecurity issue (why else would they *need* to tell you all the time how wonderful they or their children are and all the wonderful things they accomplish), but I never related it to bullying. I think there is definitely some of that in there, too. Whenever I have to be around people like this, I shall chant to myself "redirect, redirect, redirect".

And yes, I agree, how utterly exhausting it must be to monitor all that to make sure they get the lion's share of the limelight.

[gfrach]

Yes, I think this it true to a point. I wish I was better at letting it go.

[gfrach]

Yep, that would definitely be the last straw!! Hugs!

[gfrach]

Oh heck, I'm happy for the good things in anyone's life even if they're not a friend. I just don't want to hear about it all the time (especially the same things) and especially when it seems like they just want me to goggle at their awesomeness.

[Gargoyle]

I'm so happy you said that. I can't tell you how many times I look back at something I posted, or said, and think, OMG I hope they don't think I'm bragging. :) I just really love to talk. I get really really nervous when there's a lull in converstations and I tend to chatter because for some reason I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure it's not silent. LOL I have no idea why.

Also, when I try to post something online, sometimes I get so excited if I know a little about something or trying to commisserate or heck just about anything. I swear, I second guess myself all the time trying to make sure I'm not talking too much and I know darn well I'm talking too much. LOL Like right now. Ok. I'm done talking... about this anyways. :p

[Gargoyle]

I know a couple of people like that and they really drive me crazy. You know, the ones where you say your DH is a software engineer, and they go off about their relative who makes *oodles* of money designing software and is sooooooo in demand. Or they have to tell you all their latest accomplishments--what awards they've won or whatever. Or the ones whose children are sooo perfect and can do no wrong and they must tell you all the time about how perfect and smart and wonderful their children are by telling you all the things their kids have accomplished. Or the ones who travel a lot and must tell you all about how such and such happened the last time they were in Italy, or whatever. :gross: I'm all happy for people whose children are gifted and who accomplish a lot of great things in their lives, but these people go over the line past just chatting about happenings to themselves and their children--it's really more of a oneupmanship thing.

Maybe this is just a vent but really they just make me a little crazy! And I think there must be a way to deal with them.

Rachel

I actually feel bad for people who have to make their lives be the center of attention like that. They apparently feel so badly about their choices or their lives, that they feel the need to justify it to people. I feel this same way about people who cut down your choices. In my mind, it's the same thing. They feel less then and are trying to use you, to feel better about themselves. A lot of my family is like that. I've had to come to see that of them to be able to move past their criticism.

A polite, "Oh that's nice," and moving away from them is what I do. While I pity them their need to make themselves feel better, I don't need to be party to it.

(((((HUGS))))) relationships can be so difficult sometimes.

[Sherri]

I actually don't come in contact with many people like this. I'm not sure it would push my buttons if I did, so maybe I'm less attractive to them.

Have you ever read _Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid_? Parts of it are funny in the right mood and you might get a kick out of it. They have a website, shutupaboutyourperfectkid.com, but the front page didn't seem quite as funny as it has to me in the past. It's by two sisters with special needs kids, and I remember really getting a kick out of it when I first read some of their stuff.

Sherri

[gfrach]

Oh and I suddenly realized last night that mostly I'm with these people in a group so after someone does their "I/my kids/my family are so perfect" bit, I can just redirect by saying "That's nice." And then look at someone else we're with and say "What new and wonderful in your life?"

[kokoro]

I don't have a lot of people in my life like this but my cousin (father's first cousin) does this. He has heard people say my DS is very smart so he actually came up to me at a party and asked me about various things he heard about DS and smiled and once I said, "yes, DS does that" or "did that" he would say, "K (his daughter) did that a (and age younger than when DS did it" or did way more than DS. It was really obnoxious. I couldn't think of a think to say back. It was just so out there to me.

This same guy is super wealthy--I would guess 100s of millions at least. I never feel like he is snobby about that or about his career but he is with his children's intelligence and accomplishments. I felt like he was saying, "you think your son is something? He's sh*t compared to my kids."

Once we were visiting and he was going out to eat. I had to use the bathroom and we were going to leave as he and his wife went out on a date. Their three kids (all old enough to be left alone) were staying behind. They had already said goodbye to their kids. I went to quickly use the bathroom. I had to go desperately. There was a giant sh*t in the toilet--bigger than any I have ever seen. I was grossed out. I had to pee badly so I flushed the toilet and started to pee. Well, the sh*t wouldn't go down and water started to rise. This same braggart cousin is the one who was last in there, who left a huge sh*t in a toilet he *knew* wouldn't flush with his 3 kids in a cabin that had no other toilet. The kid's grandpa's house is next door so they could go there but they had no plunger or anything. What an ass! So, when he acted that way I just remembered the giant sh*t in the toilet and that pretty much is my opinion of the guy.

[AmericanMomma]

I had a friend who did this constantly for like the stupidest thing. Especially about our husband's careers. I got tired of listening to her and eventually stopped calling and answering the phone when she called. And I really reallly liked her.

At first I would try and be funny and say if like was a contest you'd be the winner. LOL Then I'd agree and move the conversation but she'd turn it back around and keep going.

I guess it depends on how well you enjoy this person's company. You could confront her and then continually bring it to her attention when she started bragging. Or you could ditch her and find someone new.

Good luck!

[~PQ]

I think for some people it's not that they think they are better, I think it's the opposite, and maybe they are constantly looking for affirmation that they are worthy too. I say this because I have come to accept this trait in someone I care about a lot. I don't think she really means to make others feel bad, I think she secretly fears she's not up to par so she has to go on the offensive and convince everyone of her value. Of course the effect is not attractive much of the time. I wonder if looking at people in your life with this issue, from this point of view might make it easier on you? Like, "oh, poor thing. She must really worry her child isn't as good/smart/happy/talented/whatever as his classmates. It must be hard to always walk around and feel 'less than' in this way"

I also have a daughter who is prone to braggish type comments, we are working hard to tame that quality somewhat. I know for her it's not that she's a bully or really thinks she's better than anyone or even that she feels less worthy- it is that for whatever reason her little psyche is wrapped around a need to be something of a perfectionist (really, her room is the cleanest in the house, her desk at school is the most organized in the class, her penmanship is perfect, etc.) and she see's her accomplishments (Eg. "I read a 400 page book last week") as proof she's doing okay. When a child says "I read an i-spy book" and she replies "I used to read those, this week I read 2 chapter books", she doesn't mean to come across as obnoxious (though I am sure she does) she means to say "Oh you mention reading, and that makes me think about my own progress, oh no, am I not doing well enough? Am I not meeting my own high standards? No wait, I read two chapter books and that's good enough... I think..." I really get frustrated by her sometimes, but I also feel sorry for her a lot because she places such incredible expectations on herself. I think it must be exhausting to be in that head sometimes. I also think it sometimes comes out in some not very flattering ways and we are working hard on that so it isn't such an issue when she's an adult and really oughta have full control over these compulsions.

[~PQ]

omg lisa, ROFLMAO I am rolling!!!! That toilet story is priceless!!

[~PQ]

Oh and for a humerous take, have you seen the braggart skit on SNL? It is so funny, the lady outdoes everyone on everything, to the point of ridiculous. Like someone will say "I was gazing at the moon..." and she will interject in this quiet monotoneish serious voice, "Yeah, I once landed on the moon". Must find a youtube to share!

[~PQ]

lol couldn't find a clip from the show but there are a bunch of impersonations of penelope, here is a great one!

Its her down to the hair rubbing/pulling and the guy is hilarious too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSA42wNCYvg

[Storymama]

I agree with you about it not being bullying in kids; I should have said so above, sorry. My comments there were specific to adult behavior.

[MadAboutYou]

Oh and for a humerous take, have you seen the braggart skit on SNL? It is so funny, the lady outdoes everyone on everything, to the point of ridiculous. Like someone will say "I was gazing at the moon..." and she will interject in this quiet monotoneish serious voice, "Yeah, I once landed on the moon". Must find a youtube to share!

Dh and I just find it so funny! We also love her (and some other guy) as the asshole couple.

[kokoro]

omg lisa, ROFLMAO I am rolling!!!! That toilet story is priceless!!

:)

[Bickery]

I agree with you about it not being bullying in kids; I should have said so above, sorry. My comments there were specific to adult behavior.

I disagree. Kids do it too sometimes. Not always.

My older child does it to my younger child and it more than grates :rolleyes:

I'm guilty of doing it in the "kid way" -- I do that about everything, though, whether it can be construed as bragging or not -- I just do a lot of associating things with relevant bits of my own experiences (books I've read, movies I've seen, people I've known, etc.)

[gfrach]

I've seen kids do it, too. C used to have a friend who was that way--his toys were cooler than C's, he'd been somewhere before C went there, etc, etc. I found it very very sad in 6 year old.

[Storymama]

Oh, kids definitely do it - but a kid has inept social skills, and is still learning. A kid whose intent is to bully, may in fact choose bragging as a means; but kids by nature blunder up a lot of their social interactions, and I guess it just doesn't bother me on the same level, when we know everything they do requires guidance still.

When kids do it, it's worth intervening. Not so much for an adult who still does it, which was the frustration I was getting out of the OP.

[gfrach]

Yes, definitely. A kid can be taught better--an adult who just thinks their life is either more important and more interesting than everyone else's or who *has* to be the center of attention and have everyone ooh and ahh over them is probably a lost cause.

(Sadly, the mom of the kid that I was talking about just didn't think it was a problem and it resulted in some ugly interactions which is why the boys are no longer friends.)

[Jill]

I don't have a lot of people in my life like this but my cousin (father's first cousin) does this. He has heard people say my DS is very smart so he actually came up to me at a party and asked me about various things he heard about DS and smiled and once I said, "yes, DS does that" or "did that" he would say, "K (his daughter) did that a (and age younger than when DS did it" or did way more than DS. It was really obnoxious. I couldn't think of a think to say back. It was just so out there to me.

This same guy is super wealthy--I would guess 100s of millions at least. I never feel like he is snobby about that or about his career but he is with his children's intelligence and accomplishments. I felt like he was saying, "you think your son is something? He's sh*t compared to my kids."

Once we were visiting and he was going out to eat. I had to use the bathroom and we were going to leave as he and his wife went out on a date. Their three kids (all old enough to be left alone) were staying behind. They had already said goodbye to their kids. I went to quickly use the bathroom. I had to go desperately. There was a giant sh*t in the toilet--bigger than any I have ever seen. I was grossed out. I had to pee badly so I flushed the toilet and started to pee. Well, the sh*t wouldn't go down and water started to rise. This same braggart cousin is the one who was last in there, who left a huge sh*t in a toilet he *knew* wouldn't flush with his 3 kids in a cabin that had no other toilet. The kid's grandpa's house is next door so they could go there but they had no plunger or anything. What an ass! So, when he acted that way I just remembered the giant sh*t in the toilet and that pretty much is my opinion of the guy.

You know, that's one thing Dave always says to Jordan when she tells about her friends who have this and that and who think her stuff isn't good enough..he hugs her, empathizes with her feelings for a minute, and then reminds her that even those kids with everything get diarrhea. Messy diarrhea. It brings about a good laugh.

[Jill]

Oh, kids definitely do it - but a kid has inept social skills, and is still learning. A kid whose intent is to bully, may in fact choose bragging as a means; but kids by nature blunder up a lot of their social interactions, and I guess it just doesn't bother me on the same level, when we know everything they do requires guidance still.

When kids do it, it's worth intervening. Not so much for an adult who still does it, which was the frustration I was getting out of the OP.

We experience this kind of bragging a LOT these days. Most of the time it's just a kid who hasn't learned yet that bragging makes other people uncomfortable.
Jordan has several friends who could be classified as "super wealthy" and yet you'd never in a million years know it by the behavior of the kids. Knowing their parents as I do, it's obvious to me that these kids have learned by example - their parents are gracious and humble, or at the very least they don't come off as braggarts. LOL.
Then there are the ones who just don't "get it" yet. Like the ones who are always bragging about their sports wins - a few of Jordan's teammates do this and it's VERY hurtful to the other girls on the team - and yet I've witnessed their parents behaving the same way, and it's certainly done to "one up" the other parent. I think that sometimes bullying behaviors are just not understood by the bully to be hurtful. Then there's the girl who came over for Jordan's birthday party and I saw her look around, then walk up to Jordan and say very loudly and matter of factly "OMGosh Jordan, you have the smallest house I have ever SEEN! How can you LIVE here?"
I kid you not.
I had to count to 10 to keep myself from saying something I would dearly regret. However, Jordan, ever so confident and cool, said "Oh really? Well you haven't been many places have you?"
I wanted to applaud.
We talked about it later, and she told me this girl was really nice but she always bragged that she lived in a mansion (she does - it's like 12k sq ft) and has a butler. And I laughed, then regretted laughing - and we just had a nice talk about how the size of one's house or how much stuff they have isn't what matters, it's who they are inside. We also talked about how low self esteem, fear, insecurity affects how people behave socially, and how important it is to keep our OWN feelings of pride and accomplishment and "I have this" in check in order to avoid hurting others. We talked about ways to tell a friend that she won a medal in a meet without "bragging"...it was a great learning opportunity all around.

So anyway, Mandi - I agree that it is sometimes the weapon of a bully - even a child bully - but IME often it's just a child who hasn't learned how to present themselves any other way. Some never will, but I think there is hope for most of them.

[kokoro]

You know, that's one thing Dave always says to Jordan when she tells about her friends who have this and that and who think her stuff isn't good enough..he hugs her, empathizes with her feelings for a minute, and then reminds her that even those kids with everything get diarrhea. Messy diarrhea. It brings about a good laugh.


LOL! That's too funny!

[Sherri]

I have come to accept this trait in someone I care about a lot. I don't think she really means to make others feel bad, I think she secretly fears she's not up to par so she has to go on the offensive and convince everyone of her value.

NOW I remember why I wrote that people like this don't get to me so much, it's because I was one of those people. Actually, a classmate in 5th grade pointed it out to me. He made a comment about how I was so conceited, and I asked him to tell me why he thought that. It took him a long time to be convinced that I really needed it explained to me as it was so obvious to everyone else! I actually invited him to point out to me when I was making one of those "I could do that and more" comments. I think that besides the "having to convince everyone of my value" dynamic, there was also an ADDish attempt to stay engaged in conversations by relating every topic back to my own experience. It was a way to keep me from drifting off and losing track of what was being talked about.

It was a very painful time of my life. I'd actually been quite depressed the year before but it was less painful to be withdrawn (I once found a note from my 4th grade teacher to my parents "I'm very worried about Sherri. I've been a teacher for 10 years, and she's the only child I've ever seen who never smiles.") So in 5th grade I got less depressed and more interactive, and everyone found me so annoying.

Sorry to veer so OT, PQ's post just really got me thinking.

Sherri

[mirage1]

So in 5th grade I got less depressed and more interactive, and everyone found me so annoying.{{{Sherri}}} That sounds like a really hard time!