I had a very short

[Sensitive Topic]

affair which lasted just five weeks. We said goodbye two weeks ago now and agreed that there will be no contact. I know he is the love of my life: he was the one I should have married 20 years ago, but didn't. We are now on different continents. He is single with three children. I can't get him out of my head.
DH doesn't know. He refuses counselling, and I don't think it would do any good anyway. Our love for each other died a long time ago. We are just together for the sake of the littles. There is nothing to salvage. If he knew about my lover, his pride would be hurt. My marriage is a dead, sometimes nasty thing. Never violent though. I have tried, and so has DH, in his way.
I know that I did something that many people would think is bad, but, in all honesty, I don't regret it. I only regret that my lover and I have no hope for the future together. I am grieving for this. Please bear with me.

[Sensitive Topic]

to grieve, but I am so sad. Not as much for my marriage as for the man I have lost.

[libbylibbylibby]

I think you do have a right to grieve. I would be sad on a lot of different levels.
I will pray for you and for your family, as the situation you are in is a hard one. Please seek counseling for yourself, ST.

[lizinpa]

honey I could have written your post a few years ago... at the time I was still married but the marriage was terrible and I have since divorced. The man I fell in love with was not the cause of my divorce.

If you ever need an ear to listen to, I will listen with empathy.

(((ST)))

[MorgnsGrl]

affair which lasted just five weeks. We said goodbye two weeks ago now and agreed that there will be no contact. I know he is the love of my life: he was the one I should have married 20 years ago, but didn't. We are now on different continents. He is single with three children. I can't get him out of my head.
DH doesn't know. He refuses counselling, and I don't think it would do any good anyway. Our love for each other died a long time ago. We are just together for the sake of the littles. There is nothing to salvage. If he knew about my lover, his pride would be hurt. My marriage is a dead, sometimes nasty thing. Never violent though. I have tried, and so has DH, in his way.
I know that I did something that many people would think is bad, but, in all honesty, I don't regret it. I only regret that my lover and I have no hope for the future together. I am grieving for this. Please bear with me.

{{{{ST}}}} I am so sorry that you're sad.

[Debra]

{{{{{ST}}}}} I'm sorry you are sad and have lost the love of your life. :-(

[gfrach]

Dear ST, I've been struggling with how to answer this post. I'm so sorry you are hurting so much and I understand your grief.

What I don't understand is the point of staying with a husband who you seem to feel there will never be a good relationship with. Being that I am looking divorce in the face all too closely these days, I know it's scary, I know it's horrible to contemplate, and I know the feeling of wanting to salvage what you can for the kids. However, if you truly feel your marriage is dead I don't see the point of staying. Your kids will survive. Kids are amazingly resilient. Your kids may even be better off with a happy mom (and possibly a happy dad). Your kids will have the possibility of seeing what a good healthy relationship looks like. As it is, what you're showing them is how to be a martyr and that's, IMO, no good for you or for them.

I'm so sorry you're in this position, ST. It sucks big time. But truly I can't understand a choice to stay if you feel your marriage is truly dead. I don't see who that benefits at all.

Many huge hugs!

[jerzymama]

affair which lasted just five weeks. We said goodbye two weeks ago now and agreed that there will be no contact. I know he is the love of my life: he was the one I should have married 20 years ago, but didn't. We are now on different continents. He is single with three children. I can't get him out of my head.
DH doesn't know. He refuses counselling, and I don't think it would do any good anyway. Our love for each other died a long time ago. We are just together for the sake of the littles. There is nothing to salvage. If he knew about my lover, his pride would be hurt. My marriage is a dead, sometimes nasty thing. Never violent though. I have tried, and so has DH, in his way.
I know that I did something that many people would think is bad, but, in all honesty, I don't regret it. I only regret that my lover and I have no hope for the future together. I am grieving for this. Please bear with me.

I'm sorry you're so sad. I've often thought that only marriage allows us the privilege of knowing how truly awful another person can be. It's not that I don't believe this man is the love of your life but without actually living with him, you really don't know, y'k?

While you're grieving, if you have time, I highly recommend going to see Vicky Cristina Barcelona - Woody Allen's new film. Puts an interesting spin on love, relationships and marriage. It might be very comforting for you at this time.

[~PQ]

I don't really believe in "love of our lives", I know thats like, sacrilegious and probably makes my own marriage sound sad but I really and truly believe we have good chemistry with some people and not so much with others, and then our minds figure out ways to take that chemistry and wrap it up with shared interests, aspirations, etc and what comes out is what we call "love". I don't think there is a one and only for each of us, some kind of magic kizmit- instead it's a conscious choice we make to love and care for the ones we choose and ultimately thats a lot more precious in it's deliberateness than some predestined love-match.

I guess my point is, you can't lament what could have been- you can only choose to love whoever you choose to love.... be it you husband or this other man. You are in the drivers seat. Choose to love your husband or move on and let yourself love someone else. Don't live miserable though, and don't do it behind anyones back. Don't do it for some fairy tale that doesn't exist. Do it because you say your marriage is dead and nasty. It's okay to decide to move on away from your husband. It's okay to choose again.

[jerzymama]

I don't really believe in "love of our lives", I know thats like, sacrilegious and probably makes my own marriage sound sad but I really and truly believe we have good chemistry with some people and not so much with others, and then our minds figure out ways to take that chemistry and wrap it up with shared interests, aspirations, etc and what comes out is what we call "love". I don't think there is a one and only for each of us, some kind of magic kizmit- instead it's a conscious choice we make to love and care for the ones we choose and ultimately thats a lot more precious in it's deliberateness than some predestined love-match.

I guess my point is, you can't lament what could have been- you can only choose to love whoever you choose to love.... be it you husband or this other man. You are in the drivers seat. Choose to love your husband or move on and let yourself love someone else. Don't live miserable though, and don't do it behind anyones back. Don't do it for some fairy tale that doesn't exist. Do it because you say your marriage is dead and nasty. It's okay to decide to move on away from your husband. It's okay to choose again.

xx

[gfrach]

you can only choose to love whoever you choose to love

Yes! Love, no matter how we may wrap it up in mystery, is a *choice*.

[Jill]

Yes! Love, no matter how we may wrap it up in mystery, is a *choice*.

that when the feeling isn't there we still choose to love, and that's what makes it "true"
Or something like that. I know it's proven to be true in my life.

{{{{ST}}}}} I am sorry you are hurting. I hope you are able to find a way to be happy.

[Bickery]

I don't really believe in "love of our lives", I know thats like, sacrilegious and probably makes my own marriage sound sad but I really and truly believe we have good chemistry with some people and not so much with others, and then our minds figure out ways to take that chemistry and wrap it up with shared interests, aspirations, etc and what comes out is what we call "love". I don't think there is a one and only for each of us, some kind of magic kizmit- instead it's a conscious choice we make to love and care for the ones we choose and ultimately thats a lot more precious in it's deliberateness than some predestined love-match.

I guess my point is, you can't lament what could have been- you can only choose to love whoever you choose to love.... be it you husband or this other man. You are in the drivers seat. Choose to love your husband or move on and let yourself love someone else. Don't live miserable though, and don't do it behind anyones back. Don't do it for some fairy tale that doesn't exist. Do it because you say your marriage is dead and nasty. It's okay to decide to move on away from your husband. It's okay to choose again.

Well, yes, though there are relationships in which choosing to love someone is not the best for anyone involved.

The only person to leave someone for is oneself. Choosing to be with someone else should be an entirely independent choice both for one's own health as well as the health of the new relationship.

[robyn]

Yes! Love, no matter how we may wrap it up in mystery, is a *choice*.

Many of you will remember my "L" posts about the guy who was a total jerk. Well I THINK I still love him. But did I ever love him? Or was he just the person who made me realize my marriage was a joke (very serious here). How is it a choice? Maybe I think I still "love" L and it's just a physical thing? I miss him a lot, even though I know he was not and is not right for me. He is really a jackass. But thinking about him makes me cry. One of my friends gently suggested that I spent two years trying to "mom" him; to get him to change even though I know that I can't change him, only he can change himself. That it was a "challenge".

Ok, that may be the most rambling post ever. Sorry. Nerves have got the best of me.

[libbylibbylibby]

I struggle with this too. For me, though, I just feel like I have a very immature emotional response that "looks like love." So I just work on soldiering through when things aren't so great. Or really, a lot of the time.
I'm sure this sounds very cold. I just think stubborness has worked better for me then the emotional joy. And it does, sometimes, make me sad to know that my husband has a much greater capacity for love then I really think I will ever be able to have. I just have a capacity to keep doing the laundry.
Anyway, that was off topic... but yeah, I think you can still have feelings of longing, or desire, or whatever, for someone you know you really ought never to be with. Even in the face of "that relationship is really over."