Putting this in parenting, but it could go anywhere. I have a question

[Rosemary]

If your child has their own money that you determined they could spend do you let them buy whatever they want? I generally do and it's never really been an issue. My kids got some money from my uncle this month, and he gives them money every year that goes to their college fund. This year he cashed in some bonds and gave all the kids (me and my sibs) $$ and told us expressly to use it for a vacation or furniture or something fun. Then he gave each of our children $100 and told the parents to let them use it and have fun. So, no problem, generally my kids do well with this.

M (13.5) has suddenly become very interested in clothes, so he asked me to take him to the mall. Well, I have such a distaste of going shopping in the mall, I really do. I mean I get there and I am in a bad mood and whining and bitching and ugh, just generally miserable. I'm not really sure why that is but it is. So, A (7.5) begs to come with us. Well, since I hate malls, taking two kids is probably not a good idea but I oblige. M had $90 of his own money plus this $100. A had her $100. F (10) very wisely wants no parts of this excursion, so he chooses to stay home with DH. Smart boy! So we go to Abercrombie and Fitch. This is where I say I just despise marketing tactics and overpriced clothing that really is just overpriced. Yes, I know the kids love it, yes I get it. I know it was his own money, but ugh, I had to bite my tongue so hard not to say anything about the $80 hoodie/sweatjacket he bought. I did advice him to get a mens M to which he rolled his eyes and said no. Yes the Mens S fit perfect. Problem is he is growing by leaps and bounds, and his 10 year old brother, who could care less about clothing will be wearing this very soon. He bought the Small. Along with 2 $30 t shirts and a $50 polo. I tried steering him to the clearance rack, which admittedly was slim and hard to plough through, but they did have t-shirts for $15. He wanted no parts of it. So, I tried. He was hungry and wanted a slice of pizza. Well given that a slice of pizza and a soda runs $5.00 I said no. He went to a basketball game and asked if he could have an advance on his allowance (not due until Friday) I said no. Surely he has to get it. I did say sarcastically that perhaps he could have passed on a $30 t shirt and bought a $15 one and he would have had $15 for these things - he is in Honors math after all - surely he could understand.

On to A. Normally my tomboy who prefers to wear her brothers big clothes. Well, my niece got to her over holidays and introduced her to Abercrombie and Limitedtoo and hair straigteners etc. I really did not want her in Abercrombie. I did put my foot down as she is not buying shorts that are meant to not cover you properly. She ended up buying a pair of sweat pant shorts that come to the knee and were $25 plus a t shirt that was $15. Ugh. Then to Limited too and I felt better because she purchased the pink gymnastics sweat pants and jacket that she has been eying, but it was $60% and we had a 25% off coupon. Not even $20 for the two pieces, which full price would have been some ridiculous amount like $80 or something.

I'm conflicted here though. I don't like what these clothes represent. Of course DH rolled his eyes and said I'm being ridiculous, the clothes don't represent anything. He said if it's their money then it's their money. I hate the materialism of it all. I'm more bothered with teh 7 year old, because i understand the teenager is trying to find his path here. I think I just need to abide by my I hate malls motto and stay out of them. It worked well for all these years. This was the first year (at Christmas time) that my kids, well my oldest and youngest, went to the mall to shop. It's not something we do.

So how would you have handled this kind of thing?

[Amanda_Reyasmom]

If your child has their own money that you determined they could spend do you let them buy whatever they want? I generally do and it's never really been an issue. My kids got some money from my uncle this month, and he gives them money every year that goes to their college fund. This year he cashed in some bonds and gave all the kids (me and my sibs) $$ and told us expressly to use it for a vacation or furniture or something fun. Then he gave each of our children $100 and told the parents to let them use it and have fun. So, no problem, generally my kids do well with this.

M (13.5) has suddenly become very interested in clothes, so he asked me to take him to the mall. Well, I have such a distaste of going shopping in the mall, I really do. I mean I get there and I am in a bad mood and whining and bitching and ugh, just generally miserable. I'm not really sure why that is but it is. So, A (7.5) begs to come with us. Well, since I hate malls, taking two kids is probably not a good idea but I oblige. M had $90 of his own money plus this $100. A had her $100. F (10) very wisely wants no parts of this excursion, so he chooses to stay home with DH. Smart boy! So we go to Abercrombie and Fitch. This is where I say I just despise marketing tactics and overpriced clothing that really is just overpriced. Yes, I know the kids love it, yes I get it. I know it was his own money, but ugh, I had to bite my tongue so hard not to say anything about the $80 hoodie/sweatjacket he bought. I did advice him to get a mens M to which he rolled his eyes and said no. Yes the Mens S fit perfect. Problem is he is growing by leaps and bounds, and his 10 year old brother, who could care less about clothing will be wearing this very soon. He bought the Small. Along with 2 $30 t shirts and a $50 polo. I tried steering him to the clearance rack, which admittedly was slim and hard to plough through, but they did have t-shirts for $15. He wanted no parts of it. So, I tried. He was hungry and wanted a slice of pizza. Well given that a slice of pizza and a soda runs $5.00 I said no. He went to a basketball game and asked if he could have an advance on his allowance (not due until Friday) I said no. Surely he has to get it. I did say sarcastically that perhaps he could have passed on a $30 t shirt and bought a $15 one and he would have had $15 for these things - he is in Honors math after all - surely he could understand.

On to A. Normally my tomboy who prefers to wear her brothers big clothes. Well, my niece got to her over holidays and introduced her to Abercrombie and Limitedtoo and hair straigteners etc. I really did not want her in Abercrombie. I did put my foot down as she is not buying shorts that are meant to not cover you properly. She ended up buying a pair of sweat pant shorts that come to the knee and were $25 plus a t shirt that was $15. Ugh. Then to Limited too and I felt better because she purchased the pink gymnastics sweat pants and jacket that she has been eying, but it was $60% and we had a 25% off coupon. Not even $20 for the two pieces, which full price would have been some ridiculous amount like $80 or something.

I'm conflicted here though. I don't like what these clothes represent. Of course DH rolled his eyes and said I'm being ridiculous, the clothes don't represent anything. He said if it's their money then it's their money. I hate the materialism of it all. I'm more bothered with teh 7 year old, because i understand the teenager is trying to find his path here. I think I just need to abide by my I hate malls motto and stay out of them. It worked well for all these years. This was the first year (at Christmas time) that my kids, well my oldest and youngest, went to the mall to shop. It's not something we do.

So how would you have handled this kind of thing?

well I don't know how much help I am going to be. I would have said "no you're not buying an $80 hoodie"

The last time I took Reya shopping I handed her $100 and told her that was it. She was responsible for budgeting it. A few days before we went to Ross, Target, Old Navy, the 1/2 off 1/2 off store and Goodwill to compare prices so she would have a feel for what was out there. she did most of her shopping at the 1/2 off 1/2 off store. Most of her shirts cost between $1 and $3 dollars. I also think it helped that she found almost new Old Navy jeans at goodwill, and saw the retail price. It really illustrated bargin/thrift store shopping.

I try to lead by example here. I wanted the $100 boots. I waited til they were on sale 25% off then used a 40% off coupon.

With A I would use the gym outfit as an example. Remind her she had $100 total and she would only have had $20 if she had to pay full retail. (therefore not being able to get any of the other stuff she got/wanted)


I grew up so poor that when we had money it was spent quickly and irresponsibly. It was very much like feast or famine. Learning to budget and NOT spend everything is still something I struggle with. I'm really hoping that I'm able to do better by my daughter.

[Hobbes]

I don't know. Emma is only 5, but she gets 3 dollars of allowance a week and I'm already thinking this.

Part of me says "no, you can't buy all that candy" and "no, those toys are cheap crap and will just be something we throw away in a week"

Then part of me says "she needs to learn that money is limited"

So, as long as it's within the 'rules' of our household (no toy guns for example), I kind of let her buy what she wants if she has enough money for it.

THe other day she bought a cheap toy. I gritted my teeth and didn't say anything. The next week she found something she wanted for her pet rats, but she didn't have enough. SHE said "I shouldn't have bought that toy" without me saying anything. I was proud a bit. She even took the money and put it in her bank.

NOW, there is a huge caveat to this.. she's not nearing the teen years!

I don't know, my head tells me to allow her to buy anything she wants (again, with the rules.. short skirts would definitely be outside the rules) with her money and then just try to teach and lead by example. But that is harder said then done.

[kathy caribe]

If your child has their own money that you determined they could spend do you let them buy whatever they want? I generally do and it's never really been an issue. My kids got some money from my uncle this month, and he gives them money every year that goes to their college fund. This year he cashed in some bonds and gave all the kids (me and my sibs) $$ and told us expressly to use it for a vacation or furniture or something fun. Then he gave each of our children $100 and told the parents to let them use it and have fun. So, no problem, generally my kids do well with this.

M (13.5) has suddenly become very interested in clothes, so he asked me to take him to the mall. Well, I have such a distaste of going shopping in the mall, I really do. I mean I get there and I am in a bad mood and whining and bitching and ugh, just generally miserable. I'm not really sure why that is but it is. So, A (7.5) begs to come with us. Well, since I hate malls, taking two kids is probably not a good idea but I oblige. M had $90 of his own money plus this $100. A had her $100. F (10) very wisely wants no parts of this excursion, so he chooses to stay home with DH. Smart boy! So we go to Abercrombie and Fitch. This is where I say I just despise marketing tactics and overpriced clothing that really is just overpriced. Yes, I know the kids love it, yes I get it. I know it was his own money, but ugh, I had to bite my tongue so hard not to say anything about the $80 hoodie/sweatjacket he bought. I did advice him to get a mens M to which he rolled his eyes and said no. Yes the Mens S fit perfect. Problem is he is growing by leaps and bounds, and his 10 year old brother, who could care less about clothing will be wearing this very soon. He bought the Small. Along with 2 $30 t shirts and a $50 polo. I tried steering him to the clearance rack, which admittedly was slim and hard to plough through, but they did have t-shirts for $15. He wanted no parts of it. So, I tried. He was hungry and wanted a slice of pizza. Well given that a slice of pizza and a soda runs $5.00 I said no. He went to a basketball game and asked if he could have an advance on his allowance (not due until Friday) I said no. Surely he has to get it. I did say sarcastically that perhaps he could have passed on a $30 t shirt and bought a $15 one and he would have had $15 for these things - he is in Honors math after all - surely he could understand.

On to A. Normally my tomboy who prefers to wear her brothers big clothes. Well, my niece got to her over holidays and introduced her to Abercrombie and Limitedtoo and hair straigteners etc. I really did not want her in Abercrombie. I did put my foot down as she is not buying shorts that are meant to not cover you properly. She ended up buying a pair of sweat pant shorts that come to the knee and were $25 plus a t shirt that was $15. Ugh. Then to Limited too and I felt better because she purchased the pink gymnastics sweat pants and jacket that she has been eying, but it was $60% and we had a 25% off coupon. Not even $20 for the two pieces, which full price would have been some ridiculous amount like $80 or something.

I'm conflicted here though. I don't like what these clothes represent. Of course DH rolled his eyes and said I'm being ridiculous, the clothes don't represent anything. He said if it's their money then it's their money. I hate the materialism of it all. I'm more bothered with teh 7 year old, because i understand the teenager is trying to find his path here. I think I just need to abide by my I hate malls motto and stay out of them. It worked well for all these years. This was the first year (at Christmas time) that my kids, well my oldest and youngest, went to the mall to shop. It's not something we do.

So how would you have handled this kind of thing?

i think that going into the excursion I would have told the kids how much I hated the mall and that I would be needing some consideration and help to get through the experience. i would have been checking in with them to let them know how my tolerance was going. I might have treated it as a social experiment or something to get me through it.

WRT your issues with materialism, is this something that JUST happened at the mall? In that case i'd probably have been grumpy,etc; identified what was going on with me and discussed it with the kids later (because it would have taken a while for me to figure it out - like maybe on the car drive home).

Other than that, the reason my kids have access to money is to learn these lessons. Your teen might have a good reason for wanting to not buy on clearance or he just might want to be frivilous.

I think I would have been asking a lot of questions; "why does that shirt appeal to you (what the hell is a "hoodie"?), why did you pick that one? why don't the prices bother you?" etc. until the kids told me to shutup so they could just pick out clothing. :)

My girls LOVE clothing and my 11yo does also; the 13yo is just on the verge of maybe developing a style and preference but I've never had this issue because the kids would NEVER consider spending money on clothes. Only candy and toys. :cool:

[mudcreekmama]

I think there's room for kids to learn from "mistakes" with gift money.

When we go shopping right now I usually have a list of things we *need* - basics -socks, tights, underwear, school shoes, seasonal gear - snow, rain, and sun - and I buy that first, and I'll be pretty strict about what we get - yes on the hello Kitty underwear, no on the pink flowery rain coat that will never have the opportunity to be handed down. We had a disagreement on this awhile ago when I was getting warm raingear (I swear we have 10 seasons here!) and we left the store without a coat for the girl because she was insisting it be pink or purple and I just can't afford good quality stuff that will only be used by one kid.

Then there is the discretionary money and I let the kids buy what they want within reason. There's a set amount, we shop secondhand and they can pick out whatever they like as long as it isn't totally inappropriate ( I don't let my 7 yr old buy micro miniskirts, short shorts or midriff bearing tops, and I will not dress my little boys in military "fashions"). Find a pink frilly raincoat at the thrift store and its yours though!

But gift money? You can spend the whole thing on the pink frilly expensive raincoat but you can NOT spend 50 cents on the spandex mini skirt UNLESS it is to go into the dress up box. Once the gift money is gone, its gone though. I'm not going to harp on how you spent it, but I'm not going to start handing over cash to cover any mistakes in how you spent it.

And you know, sometimes what you gauge as a HUGE mistake in money management isn't. My girl worked her little buns off a couple of summers ago shovelling gravel to help fill a drainage ditch around our house. She spent her earnings on a single brand new undiscounted Children's Place outfit. I was cringing at first, because she got so little for so much effort, but I was wrong to worry. She's still wearing the outfit, and still smiling at how hard she worked for it. Since then she's been an earnest little saver too.

It is gift money. When I have gift money I buy stuff I wouldn't normally get myself; it is undoubtably more practical than what my children would buy, but I'm a boring adult who likes yarn and books and power tools. But there's nothing wrong with learning the difference between needs and wants and indulging in wants...and not being able to afford all the wants and prioritizing. That prioritizing takes some trial and error experience.

[Rosemary]

well I don't know how much help I am going to be. I would have said "no you're not buying an $80 hoodie"

The last time I took Reya shopping I handed her $100 and told her that was it. She was responsible for budgeting it. A few days before we went to Ross, Target, Old Navy, the 1/2 off 1/2 off store and Goodwill to compare prices so she would have a feel for what was out there. she did most of her shopping at the 1/2 off 1/2 off store. Most of her shirts cost between $1 and $3 dollars. I also think it helped that she found almost new Old Navy jeans at goodwill, and saw the retail price. It really illustrated bargin/thrift store shopping.

I try to lead by example here. I wanted the $100 boots. I waited til they were on sale 25% off then used a 40% off coupon.

With A I would use the gym outfit as an example. Remind her she had $100 total and she would only have had $20 if she had to pay full retail. (therefore not being able to get any of the other stuff she got/wanted)


I grew up so poor that when we had money it was spent quickly and irresponsibly. It was very much like feast or famine. Learning to budget and NOT spend everything is still something I struggle with. I'm really hoping that I'm able to do better by my daughter.


part of the issue is my uncle stressed that this is to be spent by the kids on whatever they want. This is the uncle who helped us set up the kid's college accounts and gives a gift to them every year. He is super frugal and responsible and this is the second time since I've been married that he has given us or the kids "fun money" When my kids get birthday money, I used to put it all in the bank when they were little. These days it is getting harder and harder for me to do. Mike wants his money to buy nice things. I will not buy him an $80 hoodie. I mean I suppose if he wanted it for Christmas I would, but not as part of when I buy him clothes. So the way he sees it is this is the only way he will get this kind of stuff, becasue my parents won't buy it.

Yeah, I think an $80 hoodie and $30 t shirt is ridiculous. But he's an almost 14 year old boy who disagrees with me. The 7 year old, I am feeling I should have stepped in and curbed her purchase. Or left her home.

[Rosemary]

I don't know. Emma is only 5, but she gets 3 dollars of allowance a week and I'm already thinking this.

Part of me says "no, you can't buy all that candy" and "no, those toys are cheap crap and will just be something we throw away in a week"

Then part of me says "she needs to learn that money is limited"

So, as long as it's within the 'rules' of our household (no toy guns for example), I kind of let her buy what she wants if she has enough money for it.

THe other day she bought a cheap toy. I gritted my teeth and didn't say anything. The next week she found something she wanted for her pet rats, but she didn't have enough. SHE said "I shouldn't have bought that toy" without me saying anything. I was proud a bit. She even took the money and put it in her bank.

NOW, there is a huge caveat to this.. she's not nearing the teen years!

I don't know, my head tells me to allow her to buy anything she wants (again, with the rules.. short skirts would definitely be outside the rules) with her money and then just try to teach and lead by example. But that is harder said then done.


Leading by example? Ha ha - Trust me that he's never seen me purchase an $80 piece of fleece LOL. Abby, she's just following her brother. I think malls suck. They are all about materialism.

[Rosemary]

i think that going into the excursion I would have told the kids how much I hated the mall and that I would be needing some consideration and help to get through the experience. i would have been checking in with them to let them know how my tolerance was going. I might have treated it as a social experiment or something to get me through it.

WRT your issues with materialism, is this something that JUST happened at the mall? In that case i'd probably have been grumpy,etc; identified what was going on with me and discussed it with the kids later (because it would have taken a while for me to figure it out - like maybe on the car drive home).

Other than that, the reason my kids have access to money is to learn these lessons. Your teen might have a good reason for wanting to not buy on clearance or he just might want to be frivilous.

I think I would have been asking a lot of questions; "why does that shirt appeal to you (what the hell is a "hoodie"?), why did you pick that one? why don't the prices bother you?" etc. until the kids told me to shutup so they could just pick out clothing. :)

My girls LOVE clothing and my 11yo does also; the 13yo is just on the verge of maybe developing a style and preference but I've never had this issue because the kids would NEVER consider spending money on clothes. Only candy and toys. :cool:

I do take responsiblity for my grumpiness. They know how much I despise malls and did not spend too much time in the stores. I admit, that is my problem.

I did ask him about the clearance stuff. He said that the logo on the t shirt he didn't like when he tried it on. The adult mom in me can sit here and say he is ridiculous because there is basically nothing that doesn't look good on him, but the 14 year old kid who is into impressing the opposite sex and now liking clothes and wanting to look good understands the uncertainty and insecurity.

I talked to him about buying good quality and how he is still growing and it may not be the wisest decision to buy things to fit just perfect when they cost so much money because he is growing too fast. I explained that when I buy an expensive pair of shoes (which is still less than he would like me to spend on his Jordans) that my feet are done growing, so these shoes will last. I won't outgrow them, he will. He understood, but he still feels he made a good purchase.

I am thinking I shouldn't dwell on this. He gets an allowance and it has to last him for what he wants to do (movies, dances, pizza lunches with friends etc.) I told him if he waited until after tax season I would take him to the outlets in Rehobeth. I know to him April 15th is very far away. But I really do not have time to take him before then, in part because of my busy season but also their sports committments (most his LOL) He didn't want to wait. He made his choice. He seems to like his hoodie.

[Rosemary]

I think there's room for kids to learn from "mistakes" with gift money.

When we go shopping right now I usually have a list of things we *need* - basics -socks, tights, underwear, school shoes, seasonal gear - snow, rain, and sun - and I buy that first, and I'll be pretty strict about what we get - yes on the hello Kitty underwear, no on the pink flowery rain coat that will never have the opportunity to be handed down. We had a disagreement on this awhile ago when I was getting warm raingear (I swear we have 10 seasons here!) and we left the store without a coat for the girl because she was insisting it be pink or purple and I just can't afford good quality stuff that will only be used by one kid.

Then there is the discretionary money and I let the kids buy what they want within reason. There's a set amount, we shop secondhand and they can pick out whatever they like as long as it isn't totally inappropriate ( I don't let my 7 yr old buy micro miniskirts, short shorts or midriff bearing tops, and I will not dress my little boys in military "fashions"). Find a pink frilly raincoat at the thrift store and its yours though!

But gift money? You can spend the whole thing on the pink frilly expensive raincoat but you can NOT spend 50 cents on the spandex mini skirt UNLESS it is to go into the dress up box. Once the gift money is gone, its gone though. I'm not going to harp on how you spent it, but I'm not going to start handing over cash to cover any mistakes in how you spent it.

And you know, sometimes what you gauge as a HUGE mistake in money management isn't. My girl worked her little buns off a couple of summers ago shovelling gravel to help fill a drainage ditch around our house. She spent her earnings on a single brand new undiscounted Children's Place outfit. I was cringing at first, because she got so little for so much effort, but I was wrong to worry. She's still wearing the outfit, and still smiling at how hard she worked for it. Since then she's been an earnest little saver too.

It is gift money. When I have gift money I buy stuff I wouldn't normally get myself; it is undoubtably more practical than what my children would buy, but I'm a boring adult who likes yarn and books and power tools. But there's nothing wrong with learning the difference between needs and wants and indulging in wants...and not being able to afford all the wants and prioritizing. That prioritizing takes some trial and error experience.


nttt

[Sue]

I'm not sure you want to hear the answer. When my MIL gave me $150 for Chirstmas, I RAN to the store and spent $65 on a purse I did *not* need! LOL. I was resposible and bought a gigantic pad of watercolor pape, too and not the $150 coach bag I saw (and didnt' need) but I feel gift money *is* ok to spend on something outrageous and fun.

That said, when the girls get gift money, I tell them they are allowed to spend 1/2 on webkinz (one interest) and the other half HAS to be something else. I just try and remind them of their other interests. At Christmas I got my bag at the paperstore, and the girls each got a webkinz. Then we all headed to Target and Micheal's for art supplies.

My girls aren't into clothes yet. *Some* of Elizabeth's peers are into clothes, but it's rare even at 9 or 10 around here. Thanks goodness. Because I dispise Limited Too, Justice and the like. And don't even get me started on A&F. So I *feel* for you!!!

[Rosemary]

I'm not sure you want to hear the answer. When my MIL gave me $150 for Chirstmas, I RAN to the store and spent $65 on a purse I did *not* need! LOL. I was resposible and bought a gigantic pad of watercolor pape, too and not the $150 coach bag I saw (and didnt' need) but I feel gift money *is* ok to spend on something outrageous and fun.

That said, when the girls get gift money, I tell them they are allowed to spend 1/2 on webkinz (one interest) and the other half HAS to be something else. I just try and remind them of their other interests. At Christmas I got my bag at the paperstore, and the girls each got a webkinz. Then we all headed to Target and Micheal's for art supplies.

My girls aren't into clothes yet. *Some* of Elizabeth's peers are into clothes, but it's rare even at 9 or 10 around here. Thanks goodness. Because I dispise Limited Too, Justice and the like. And don't even get me started on A&F. So I *feel* for you!!!

and is so warm that in the middle of winter the young workers are running around in tank tops :3eyes:

[elsie]

I pretty much hope I lead by example, and let Abel do with his gift money what he likes. I do have limitations on when I'll drive him to the store though! Basically, he has to have everything he owns in the proper place before any trip to Target happens. So that helps limit any shopping trips.

But he gets a lot of gift cards, and they are his, and I want to respect that. He knows how tight money can be, and we mostly shop the clearance racks and salvation army, so I know he's learning this lesson.

As he gets to be a teenager, I'm sure I'll have different ways to set limits on what's appropriate to buy- I just don't know what those will be until we get there. I just take deep breaths and remind myself that he LOVES the plastic yellow transformer that doesn't actually work, and it was his $10 to spend.

[cinnamon]

I think there's room for kids to learn from "mistakes" with gift money.

When we go shopping right now I usually have a list of things we *need* - basics -socks, tights, underwear, school shoes, seasonal gear - snow, rain, and sun - and I buy that first, and I'll be pretty strict about what we get - yes on the hello Kitty underwear, no on the pink flowery rain coat that will never have the opportunity to be handed down. We had a disagreement on this awhile ago when I was getting warm raingear (I swear we have 10 seasons here!) and we left the store without a coat for the girl because she was insisting it be pink or purple and I just can't afford good quality stuff that will only be used by one kid.

Then there is the discretionary money and I let the kids buy what they want within reason. There's a set amount, we shop secondhand and they can pick out whatever they like as long as it isn't totally inappropriate ( I don't let my 7 yr old buy micro miniskirts, short shorts or midriff bearing tops, and I will not dress my little boys in military "fashions"). Find a pink frilly raincoat at the thrift store and its yours though!

But gift money? You can spend the whole thing on the pink frilly expensive raincoat but you can NOT spend 50 cents on the spandex mini skirt UNLESS it is to go into the dress up box. Once the gift money is gone, its gone though. I'm not going to harp on how you spent it, but I'm not going to start handing over cash to cover any mistakes in how you spent it.

And you know, sometimes what you gauge as a HUGE mistake in money management isn't. My girl worked her little buns off a couple of summers ago shovelling gravel to help fill a drainage ditch around our house. She spent her earnings on a single brand new undiscounted Children's Place outfit. I was cringing at first, because she got so little for so much effort, but I was wrong to worry. She's still wearing the outfit, and still smiling at how hard she worked for it. Since then she's been an earnest little saver too.

It is gift money. When I have gift money I buy stuff I wouldn't normally get myself; it is undoubtably more practical than what my children would buy, but I'm a boring adult who likes yarn and books and power tools. But there's nothing wrong with learning the difference between needs and wants and indulging in wants...and not being able to afford all the wants and prioritizing. That prioritizing takes some trial and error experience.

I really love what you've said here (well really the whole post, but especially the part I bolded).

Q. gets an allowance, and we do have 'rules' for how it is divided (certain percentages for charitable giving, savings, and spending) and we also have *very* loose rules for what he can buy based on our family values (i.e. a toy gun would not be allowed; clothing that we deem immodest would also not be allowed-more of an issue for girls, though). He gets to decide what charity to give to, what big ticket item he wants to save for, and how to use his instant spend money.

But like Trey and others have said, I totally bite my tongue when Q spends his fun/spending money. My brain screams "THAT IS CRAP!!!!" when he's in the dollar spot at Target, but I just let him get what he wants without any sort of commentary. I think kids need to make those mistakes in order to learn what is quality and what isn't, how to budget, etc. And I think learning these things with 'fun money' is way preferable to learning them with a paycheck, student loans, credit cards- hello, me! I wish I'd had the opportunity to make those mistakes when I was younger and it wouldn't have been a big deal.

I do think we parents should talk about the media, marketing, materialism as part of this whole 'education' about money.... but while they're shopping is probably not the best timing for this. :razzberry:

[Sue]

BTW, nice to see you posting! :wave::hi:and is so warm that in the middle of winter the young workers are running around in tank tops :3eyes:

[jump4joy]

I would've let them spend it on whatever they want. It's their money. I probably would've voiced a couple of opinions about other options - sales rack, thrift stores, etc. but then it would've been their decision. My kids have spent gift money on what I call "CPC" (Cheap Plastic Crap) and usually after a few weeks and the thing is broken or has lost it's appeal they will come to me and say I was right, it didn't have "sticking power". I have given them my opinions on sweat shops, Wal-Mart, the effects on global warming of transporting new goods halfway around the world, and they know from my example that I typically don't buy anything new that I can get used. I do not go in new clothing stores (except once last year to get Asa some knee socks in a hurry for roller skating). So if they haven't learned from my example, and haven't listened to my comments, they'll learn from experience when they no longer have money when something they really want comes along.

I also do not bail them out from their mistakes, and I'll give them my little speech about how it's painful not to have money right now for that thing you really really want, but it's better to make these mistakes now, when the consequences are very low, and learn from them. Many people don't learn until it's their mortgage at stake, or whatever - we have a friend whose house was foreclosed on, but he was still buying big toys (motorcycle, boat) a month or two before losing his house. It's all about priorities there.

So yeah, in this situation, I would've let them spend their gift money. And if they grew out of the sweat shirt in four weeks or found something later that they just had to have, I'd remind them of their choices and the consequences, and give them a big hug.

[aleutsi]

Yeah, I think an $80 hoodie and $30 t shirt is ridiculous. But he's an almost 14 year old boy who disagrees with me. The 7 year old, I am feeling I should have stepped in and curbed her purchase. Or left her home.

I agree... I can see curbing my 8yo - almost 9yo's purchases.. but teens are different.. they try to curb back, LOL! And sometimes it's just not worth the struggle. I would have let my teens make the purchases.. but I might have interjected with a "Hey, let's go check the Daisy Exchange and if they don't have anything you like, then we'll come back here and you can get this". Daisy Exchange is a "trendy" resale shop where you can find mall clothes for Target prices.

I do step in to enforce modesty and I give advice on saving and try to steer them in cheaper directions.. but if they are dead set on buying THAT SHIRT, then if they have the money, they can buy it. And I do remind them of their purchases later when they come begging cash for this or that later. "You need 5 to get into the game? Did you spend ALL your money on that shirt?"

17yo gets it now - I don't know if it's because of my philosophy above or just that she values her money more now because she's working for it. But I've heard her more than once say "OOOOhhhh! I want this shirt SOOOOO BAAAAD. Ugh! But I have to go to L's tomorrow and I'll need gas money." And she does a little boohoo dance as she slowly returns it to the rack. So dramtic, she is.

[azul99]

I would've let them spend it on whatever they want. It's their money. So if they haven't learned from my example, and haven't listened to my comments, they'll learn from experience when they no longer have money when something they really want comes along.

I also do not bail them out from their mistakes, and I'll give them my little speech about how it's painful not to have money right now for that thing you really really want, but it's better to make these mistakes now, when the consequences are very low, and learn from them. So yeah, in this situation, I would've let them spend their gift money. And if they grew out of the sweat shirt in four weeks or found something later that they just had to have, I'd remind them of their choices and the consequences, and give them a big hug.

I totally agree with this.

[aleutsi]

(what the hell is a "hoodie

A hoodie is a shirt with a hood.. typically a sweatshirt, but sometimes not. Most are pull-overs but some zip up - and of the zip-ups, some only zip down half way and some zip all the way down like a jacket/coat.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoodie
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-hoodie.htm

Trendy Girl Hoodie Example:
http://www.hollisterco.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10251&catalogId=10201&productId=387250&langId=-1&categoryId=12600&parentCategoryId=12552&colorSequence=02

Trendy Guy Hoodie Example:
http://www.hollisterco.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10251_10201_383202_-1_12561_12551

[Bickery]

(what the hell is a "hoodie"?)

An irritating word for "sweatshirt with hood" as far as I'm concerned.

It just grates for some reason.

[Bickery]

I don't see anything wrong with setting limits on spending even gift money, i.e. requiring that some percentage go to savings and/or tithing.

Maybe next time just drop him off at the mall so you don't have to be party to the economic carnage? (That would make me nuts too -- but I was reluctant to spend even as a kid.)

[Rosemary]

A hoodie is a shirt with a hood.. typically a sweatshirt, but sometimes not. Most are pull-overs but some zip up - and of the zip-ups, some only zip down half way and some zip all the way down like a jacket/coat.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoodie
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-hoodie.htm

Trendy Girl Hoodie Example:
http://www.hollisterco.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10251&catalogId=10201&productId=387250&langId=-1&categoryId=12600&parentCategoryId=12552&colorSequence=02

Trendy Guy Hoodie Example:
http://www.hollisterco.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10251_10201_383202_-1_12561_12551

is what he got

http://www.abercrombie.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10051_10901_381981_-1_12351_12202

It is technically a sweatjacket with writing. Generally I call a hoodie with no zipper but, eh, whatever, for $80, I say call it what you like :spinning:

[karunamayi]

well, I am *right there with you*.

however, my brainwashing of my kids started early. lol

They know there is a snowball's chance in hell that I am going to allow them to shop in a mainstream store. Chaya's entire wardrobe is handmedowns from my sister.

We cruise through VV boutique regularily and up till now, it has been met with no resistance, but eagerness.

My step kids on the other hand, *refuse* to wear used clothing. This is some bio-mom contamination.

I don't do used shoes for kids, tho.

now, beyond clothes, we have LOTS of conversations about used vs new material things and the usefullness of buying second hand. My kids were given gift certificates at xmas for the local techie shop and they waited patiently for them to arrive. We finally got one last week and they are both very happy to wait to get a used controller on criagslist vs buying new at the store.

My point... this all has to start *very* young.

[Bickery]

is what he got

http://www.abercrombie.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10051_10901_381981_-1_12351_12202

It is technically a sweatjacket with writing. Generally I call a hoodie with no zipper but, eh, whatever, for $80, I say call it what you like :spinning:

LOL -- so he spent $80 to be a walking billboard! :rolleyes:

((((Mary))))

[Hobbes]

well, I am *right there with you*.

however, my brainwashing of my kids started early. lol

They know there is a snowball's chance in hell that I am going to allow them to shop in a mainstream store. Chaya's entire wardrobe is handmedowns from my sister.

We cruise through VV boutique regularily and up till now, it has been met with no resistance, but eagerness.

My step kids on the other hand, *refuse* to wear used clothing. This is some bio-mom contamination.

I don't do used shoes for kids, tho.

now, beyond clothes, we have LOTS of conversations about used vs new material things and the usefullness of buying second hand. My kids were given gift certificates at xmas for the local techie shop and they waited patiently for them to arrive. We finally got one last week and they are both very happy to wait to get a used controller on criagslist vs buying new at the store.

My point... this all has to start *very* young.
which brings me to this group a friend our ours started "The Compact" (sounds ominous).

They are a group of people that pledge not to buy ANYTHING new for a year (medicine, food and underwear/shoes are exempt)

We've watched them for two years now. They do pretty well, we play around with the idea of joining (if at least for a few months :), but well... we don't. Partly because DH wants to get our basement done and doesn't want to spend the extra hours looking for used wood and nails :). Maybe when our basement is done.

Their kid is great. He doesn't think at all about going to the store to buy things. Ever. He's 8. He expects hand made things at Christmas/Hannukah (interesting couple.. one dad is a fourth/fifth generation Chinese citizen of Italian Jewish descent!). They have a daughter too, but she's only 3. Here is an article about the compact, our friends are featured.. the photo is their kid: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/02/13/BAGH3H7DH71.DTL

We learned about freecycle and some places here in SF from them.

[karunamayi]

that's wonderful!!! I love it.

And, in all my blahblahblah up there, i forgot to mention what it *was* theyr were waiting for... lol The coveted Wii. So, we have it now and we'll be watching craigslist and local swap stores for games. As they get older and see the value of a dollar, they are understanding that they can get more for less.

And my favorite... Why are you allowing some person, a million miles away, tell you how you should dress? Go to the thrift store, pick through the clothing that appeals to you and create who you are! Externally, anyways.

This thought process really jives with Chaya. it is so neat to watch her "build" her outfits everyday. most days, she looks like Cirque du Soleil is waiting outside to pick her up. lol

[mudcreekmama]

Don't assume that it will stick through the teen years though.

There's a point where their peers really do hold more sway and all the values you've worked so hard to instill in them may well present themselves in ways you don't agree with (wonderful ways still, but different from yours) My big boys, sat outside the store to buy their Wii the night they came in, but they bought *two* and gave one to charity! One of my big boys loves army fatigue cargo pants and wear them almost exclusively now. He's also a computer and board war gamer but is really a pacifist.

Really its a whole different kettle of fish talking about your 7 or 8 year old never thinking of buying new stuff and loving thrift shopping and your 14 year old ...and a whole other kettle with even more wonderful fish on the otherside in their early 20's.

I'm not saying DON'T instill these values or teach them the skills necessary to get off the consumerist materialistic bandwagon...just don't assume they'll always be on YOUR bandwagon.

Detachment is a wonderful thing.

[karunamayi]

I totally get that. my oldest is 11.5 and more than the absolute statement of "no stores" comes the discussions and those will continue. I can only speak of how I am today with them and can hope for the future, but my intent is to continue to speak to them about this.

[Rosemary]

well, I am *right there with you*.

however, my brainwashing of my kids started early. lol

They know there is a snowball's chance in hell that I am going to allow them to shop in a mainstream store. Chaya's entire wardrobe is handmedowns from my sister.

We cruise through VV boutique regularily and up till now, it has been met with no resistance, but eagerness.

My step kids on the other hand, *refuse* to wear used clothing. This is some bio-mom contamination.

I don't do used shoes for kids, tho.

now, beyond clothes, we have LOTS of conversations about used vs new material things and the usefullness of buying second hand. My kids were given gift certificates at xmas for the local techie shop and they waited patiently for them to arrive. We finally got one last week and they are both very happy to wait to get a used controller on criagslist vs buying new at the store.

My point... this all has to start *very* young.

and I respect what you are saying, but I don't want to be in that much control with my children with regard to clothes. I was the same way with toys. Yes there were things I preferred. I liked the nice pretty educational wooden toys. They looked nice. They made me feel better. My kids did not always agree. I have certain limits on cltohing, which we haven't ever tested because I can't really say my kids have ever wanted to wear something I deem innapropriate. I don't deem Abercrombie clothes innapropriate, I deem they overpriced and frivolous and completely unneccesary, but I think the bottom line for me here, is it was his money and her money. I will not buy an $80 hoodie, I will try to talk about the value of a dollar and all that. I do that. I feel I lead by example but for now, he's very happy with his purchase :loveit:

[Rosemary]

Don't assume that it will stick through the teen years though.

There's a point where their peers really do hold more sway and all the values you've worked so hard to instill in them may well present themselves in ways you don't agree with (wonderful ways still, but different from yours) My big boys, sat outside the store to buy their Wii the night they came in, but they bought *two* and gave one to charity! One of my big boys loves army fatigue cargo pants and wear them almost exclusively now. He's also a computer and board war gamer but is really a pacifist.

Really its a whole different kettle of fish talking about your 7 or 8 year old never thinking of buying new stuff and loving thrift shopping and your 14 year old ...and a whole other kettle with even more wonderful fish on the otherside in their early 20's.

I'm not saying DON'T instill these values or teach them the skills necessary to get off the consumerist materialistic bandwagon...just don't assume they'll always be on YOUR bandwagon.

Detachment is a wonderful thing.

8 years old is a far cry from 14 or 16 or 17. It just is.

[aleutsi]

well, I am *right there with you*.

however, my brainwashing of my kids started early. lol

They know there is a snowball's chance in hell that I am going to allow them to shop in a mainstream store. Chaya's entire wardrobe is handmedowns from my sister.

We cruise through VV boutique regularily and up till now, it has been met with no resistance, but eagerness.

My step kids on the other hand, *refuse* to wear used clothing. This is some bio-mom contamination.

I don't do used shoes for kids, tho.

now, beyond clothes, we have LOTS of conversations about used vs new material things and the usefullness of buying second hand. My kids were given gift certificates at xmas for the local techie shop and they waited patiently for them to arrive. We finally got one last week and they are both very happy to wait to get a used controller on criagslist vs buying new at the store.

My point... this all has to start *very* young.

Philosophically, I agree. But my IRL didn't exactly turn out that way, though. I DID start very young and we only had used clothing (and NONE with commercials or cartoon characters). My 17yo will now NOT wear used clothes "ew" she says - it's also why she now has a job. I truly hope no one is thinking that I've contaminated her!

I had hope for my DS, but within the last few months he's taken notice of fashion trends.. and he's also wearing Axe.

And, you know, my kids aren't as materialistic as some other kids.. they are not complete brand worshipers and will wear off brand stuff. But they know the trends, like them and will buy them when they have their own money to spend.

My point is you can't control your kids. You can try to inspire them when they are young and you can teach them all your philosophies and doctrines, but when they hit a certain age they are going to start thinking for themselves and sometimes their thinking will be in direct opposition to your thinking. How you react to that builds the foundation of your not-so-distant-future adult relationship with them.

[collier]

Philosophically, I agree. But my IRL didn't exactly turn out that way, though. I DID start very young and we only had used clothing (and NONE with commercials or cartoon characters). My 17yo will now NOT wear used clothes "ew" she says - it's also why she now has a job. I truly hope no one is thinking that I've contaminated her!

I had hope for my DS, but within the last few months he's taken notice of fashion trends.. and he's also wearing Axe.

And, you know, my kids aren't as materialistic as some other kids.. they are not complete brand worshipers and will wear off brand stuff. But they know the trends, like them and will buy them when they have their own money to spend.

My point is you can't control your kids. You can try to inspire them when they are young and you can teach them all your philosophies and doctrines, but when they hit a certain age they are going to start thinking for themselves and sometimes their thinking will be in direct opposition to your thinking. How you react to that builds the foundation of your not-so-distant-future adult relationship with them.

Also, where you live and what the peer group is doing must make a *huge* difference. By a certain age, the peer group is far more influential than the family, especially when it comes to clothes, etc.

Best!

[Bonny]

If your child has their own money that you determined they could spend do you let them buy whatever they want? I generally do and it's never really been an issue. My kids got some money from my uncle this month, and he gives them money every year that goes to their college fund. This year he cashed in some bonds and gave all the kids (me and my sibs) $$ and told us expressly to use it for a vacation or furniture or something fun. Then he gave each of our children $100 and told the parents to let them use it and have fun. So, no problem, generally my kids do well with this.

M (13.5) has suddenly become very interested in clothes, so he asked me to take him to the mall. Well, I have such a distaste of going shopping in the mall, I really do. I mean I get there and I am in a bad mood and whining and bitching and ugh, just generally miserable. I'm not really sure why that is but it is. So, A (7.5) begs to come with us. Well, since I hate malls, taking two kids is probably not a good idea but I oblige. M had $90 of his own money plus this $100. A had her $100. F (10) very wisely wants no parts of this excursion, so he chooses to stay home with DH. Smart boy! So we go to Abercrombie and Fitch. This is where I say I just despise marketing tactics and overpriced clothing that really is just overpriced. Yes, I know the kids love it, yes I get it. I know it was his own money, but ugh, I had to bite my tongue so hard not to say anything about the $80 hoodie/sweatjacket he bought. I did advice him to get a mens M to which he rolled his eyes and said no. Yes the Mens S fit perfect. Problem is he is growing by leaps and bounds, and his 10 year old brother, who could care less about clothing will be wearing this very soon. He bought the Small. Along with 2 $30 t shirts and a $50 polo. I tried steering him to the clearance rack, which admittedly was slim and hard to plough through, but they did have t-shirts for $15. He wanted no parts of it. So, I tried. He was hungry and wanted a slice of pizza. Well given that a slice of pizza and a soda runs $5.00 I said no. He went to a basketball game and asked if he could have an advance on his allowance (not due until Friday) I said no. Surely he has to get it. I did say sarcastically that perhaps he could have passed on a $30 t shirt and bought a $15 one and he would have had $15 for these things - he is in Honors math after all - surely he could understand.

On to A. Normally my tomboy who prefers to wear her brothers big clothes. Well, my niece got to her over holidays and introduced her to Abercrombie and Limitedtoo and hair straigteners etc. I really did not want her in Abercrombie. I did put my foot down as she is not buying shorts that are meant to not cover you properly. She ended up buying a pair of sweat pant shorts that come to the knee and were $25 plus a t shirt that was $15. Ugh. Then to Limited too and I felt better because she purchased the pink gymnastics sweat pants and jacket that she has been eying, but it was $60% and we had a 25% off coupon. Not even $20 for the two pieces, which full price would have been some ridiculous amount like $80 or something.

I'm conflicted here though. I don't like what these clothes represent. Of course DH rolled his eyes and said I'm being ridiculous, the clothes don't represent anything. He said if it's their money then it's their money. I hate the materialism of it all. I'm more bothered with teh 7 year old, because i understand the teenager is trying to find his path here. I think I just need to abide by my I hate malls motto and stay out of them. It worked well for all these years. This was the first year (at Christmas time) that my kids, well my oldest and youngest, went to the mall to shop. It's not something we do.

So how would you have handled this kind of thing?

We have certain stores (OK, Store. LOL A & F) that we as a family do not support. There are certain styles that I would steer my kids away from, even with their own $. But assuming the clothes sufficiently covered all their parts, and didn't have suggested phrases on them or anything, I would let my kids blow their $ there. We aren't big mall shoppers either, btw.

[muse2clio]

Both kids received some cash & gift cards for Xmas - I told them it was their money to do with as they please. I try to lay a good groundwork about being smart with money, etc., but I also don't mind them learning lessons about spending money wisely/foolishly WITH THEIR OWN MONEY. In fact, I'd much prefer that they learn these lessons with their own money then with mine, lol. I also think there is something to be said for letting kids be "frivolous" once in a while -- I know I have bought things for myself that I didn't need, and while I'm not an irresponsible consumer, I do like to treat myself every now and then, and I think that's okay.

Anyway, Jackson spent his money on lego sets and probably does not regret it for a moment. I just took Liz to the mall this weekend, where she bought some new clothes. I notice she is becoming more "bargain oriented" than she used to be -- shopping the sales racks and looking for bargains, etc. She also held on to most of her Xmas money till mid-February, which is saying something, lol.

[victoria]

Just tacking this at the bottom... we have neglected to give my ds his allowance since Christmas, so there's an amount of money we owe him. He wanted to buy this ATM bank today and I told him no. It just seemed ridiculous for $20. Probably now though after reading here and thinking about it, I will let him.

I bought a few things that were frivolous in high school... there was a shirt I really wanted and spent over $25 on; I wouldn't spend that much now (it was a plain oversized navy long sleeved tee, but from a "cool" store) but I was happy with it at the time and wore it all the time. I also bought a Koosh ball and my dad thought it was so dumb that I did, but I really wanted it, and it was fun!