Help me please re depression

[ADDled]

I'm sinking, and I know it this time around. I don't get post-partum depression, I get post-breastfeeding depression.

It happened when Jody was about 16-18 months old (it was the first he ate any measurable quantity of solid food and his nursing levels dipped a bit). I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't pick up toys, I couldn't make a simple phone call. I couldn't function. I was miserable for several months, but I eventually came out the others side (I don't remember how long it was).

It happened again when Jaden was about 10 months old - again with the eating more food and nursing less. It was about this time that I sought counseling because I struck Jody and blackened his eye :sob: and I was so far gone Mike wouldn't allow me to be alone with the kids and I had to go withstand social services (all day with a baby in a sling and couldn't put him down anywhere, didn't have a pump nor anyone to leave him with - I'm in a much better place now in that regard) to get evaluated. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with episodic rage and put on Zoloft. It helped, I think, but I didn't continue taking it very long because of the issue of going monthly to sit at that place all day (you couldn't make an appointment) to get the prescription refilled. I still didn't really make the connection between the decreased nursing hormones/depression. Plus, looking back, I assumed a lot of it was related to my as-yet-diagnosed ADD and just feeling overwhelmed with life.

Well, no. My ADD is being treated swimmingly and I'm sinking aagin. Sawyer is 9 months old and has been eating copious amounts of solid food for about a month (eating for longer, but eating TONS for the past month or so) and he nurses frequently, don't get me wrong, but not AS frequently by a long shot. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I can't keep my house even normally picked up. I can't keep up with laundry or dishes. I can't get off the couch all day long. If I absolutely HAVE to do something, I wait until the very last minute and make us all late because I can't get going. I feel very sad all the time, I feel like my husband doesn't like me, I feel defensive about everything and have been, as a result, having terrible fights with Mike for the past two weeks - almost all my fault, when I look back on it (and I don't accept blame lightly LOL).

I REALLY don't want to make an appointment with my doctor and ask him for meds. I don't even know if I can. I can't do anything right now. If it is REALLY necessary, I know I can tell Mike and he'll make me an appointment and drive me in. But I DO want to feel better. I want to try things other than meds first.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Is St. John's Wort compatible with breastfeeding? Something else to address whatever's happening with my breastfeeding hormones that makes me this way? Has anyone used any other strategies to combat depression? Help?

[Artemis]

{{{{{Amy}}}}} This happened to me as well. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been shown to help as much as meds with depression. It did help me a lot. I think you could at least try that first. Also, make sure you are getting plenty of B Vitamins, particularly folic acid, getting enough sleep, exercise and fresh air. If you are unable to do those things, then see somebody about therapy or depression or both.

[Bonny]

tell Mike to call and take you asap. Please.

Beyond that, I know that food & exercise have such a huge huge huge impact on my mental health that I always look there first. If I am not eating enough protein, and severely limiting carbs, I can expect to spiral. Also if I'm not getting near-daily cardio. Also if I'm having much caffeine (or diet coke). And not drinking enough water.

But honestly, all these things are extra hard to do if I'm already "there."

{{{Amy}}}

[Bickery]

Add in that you've recently gone from outside employment to being home 24/7. That's huge adjustment. I know for me, the isolation/lack of adult contact/lack of accomplishment really had a lot to do with the lingering depression.

Tell Mike and have him make the appointment and drive you in. Seriously, he is there an willing to help and it sounds like you need it if you can't do it yourself right now.

[Bonny]

bad things seem to happen when I try to do things all alone, without help. Esp without help that is readily available. If you really do NOT want him to take you, see how he can help you while you try x, y & z. I also, know, too, that there have been times where I have just had to leave things in dh's hands, and let him take care of it for me (and vise-versa). So if this is bigger than you can go alone (which it sounds like it is), please remember that you have a partner there ready to share or take the load.

[JaamE]

I agree with get Mike to call and take you in. If you're sinking and you know it then you know that waiting will just let you slide to where you don't care any more. do something now, before you get to that point. please...from someone who's been there.

[Hawthorne]

{{{Amy}}} No advice, but I'm thinking of you.

[aleutsi]

I'm sinking, and I know it this time around. I don't get post-partum depression, I get post-breastfeeding depression.

It happened when Jody was about 16-18 months old (it was the first he ate any measurable quantity of solid food and his nursing levels dipped a bit). I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't pick up toys, I couldn't make a simple phone call. I couldn't function. I was miserable for several months, but I eventually came out the others side (I don't remember how long it was).

It happened again when Jaden was about 10 months old - again with the eating more food and nursing less. It was about this time that I sought counseling because I struck Jody and blackened his eye :sob: and I was so far gone Mike wouldn't allow me to be alone with the kids and I had to go withstand social services (all day with a baby in a sling and couldn't put him down anywhere, didn't have a pump nor anyone to leave him with - I'm in a much better place now in that regard) to get evaluated. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with episodic rage and put on Zoloft. It helped, I think, but I didn't continue taking it very long because of the issue of going monthly to sit at that place all day (you couldn't make an appointment) to get the prescription refilled. I still didn't really make the connection between the decreased nursing hormones/depression. Plus, looking back, I assumed a lot of it was related to my as-yet-diagnosed ADD and just feeling overwhelmed with life.

Well, no. My ADD is being treated swimmingly and I'm sinking aagin. Sawyer is 9 months old and has been eating copious amounts of solid food for about a month (eating for longer, but eating TONS for the past month or so) and he nurses frequently, don't get me wrong, but not AS frequently by a long shot. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I can't keep my house even normally picked up. I can't keep up with laundry or dishes. I can't get off the couch all day long. If I absolutely HAVE to do something, I wait until the very last minute and make us all late because I can't get going. I feel very sad all the time, I feel like my husband doesn't like me, I feel defensive about everything and have been, as a result, having terrible fights with Mike for the past two weeks - almost all my fault, when I look back on it (and I don't accept blame lightly LOL).

I REALLY don't want to make an appointment with my doctor and ask him for meds. I don't even know if I can. I can't do anything right now. If it is REALLY necessary, I know I can tell Mike and he'll make me an appointment and drive me in. But I DO want to feel better. I want to try things other than meds first.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Is St. John's Wort compatible with breastfeeding? Something else to address whatever's happening with my breastfeeding hormones that makes me this way? Has anyone used any other strategies to combat depression? Help?

{{{Amy}}} I wished we lived closer - we could go to the Dr together! I've been through that after nursing. I think I've tried SJW, but I can't remember how well it worked. Exercise is awesome at keeping depression at bay - as is (for me) getting lots of sunlight & fresh air and.. :devil: with DH <-- doesn't that trigger the release of similar hormones?

[Anne]

(((((Amy))))) I'm thinking of you.

[Jill]

I would love to talk with you about this. I have struggled on and off over the years with so much of what you describe - and I remember when we talked in person we felt we had so much in common. Please, please, call me sometime. I'm up tonight, as late as you need me. I am always up till at least midnight (even though I know I shouldn't be LOL) and I don't mind EVER getting a call from a friend. ANY TIME.

[kokoro]

((((((Amy)))))) If another YAAPer posted this I think you would have good advice and I think you know what to do because you posted. Reach out any way you can for help IRL. Tell your DH, call your doctor, do what you can as far as exercise and supplements/food, and get into counseling. (((((((hugs)))))) Depression is such a terrible thing but you are so self-aware and that's *huge*! :) Get the help you need, please.

I'm taking SAM-e again myself since things have been a little rough here lately. but I don't suggest just taking it since someone here had a bad reaction to it. My naturopath uses blood and urine testing as well as a long questionnaire to figure out what supplements or things like SAM-e or 5HTP that a person might need.

Post here any time! We care about you.

[mirage1]

{{{Amy}}} Thinking of you.

[Jessica]

(((AMY))) I defiantely think that you should have Mike take you in. I think it is great that you are aware and realize that you need help. You deserve to feel well.

[Christi]

((((Amy)))) I'm thinking of you, too, and I hope you get the help you need. I think it's awesome that you recognize it, and you're willing to do something about it.

[libbylibbylibby]

I am posting without reading the other replies, but...
If your doctor will give you meds while still nursing, I think it is worth it just to get you to a place where CBT will work for you. I also have found CBT helpful, but it is *work*, and if you are not in a place where you can work, maybe the meds for a little will help you get there. At least, now that I have kids, and I can't just lie in bed all day and feel miserable (and I am not saying this to make you feel bad, really, I just know that there are days where I don't even want to move, I don't want to see anyone, and the whole "fake it and put on a happy face" is just toooooo much, anyway...), well, sometimes I just need to suck it up and take the medication.
So what else could you be doing differently? Would you be able to go to talk therapy? Are there dietary things you can change? Do you have it in you right now to change them? WOuld more exercise help? Can you do that?
Now that I've been all bitchy at you, please know that I am thinking of you, and that I want you to take care of you, because you deserve it.

[Stacey]

(((((Amy))))) Lots of love coming your way!!

Secondly: Try a good quality Fish Oil supplement, around 1000mg a day, if you really really really don't want to do rx meds. But I do suggest having Mike call and seeing a doc anyway.

[candeo]

(((Amy))) I've been off and on, mostly on, where you are for the past several months. I've done absolutely nothing to help myself, have simply wallowed, and everyone around me is suffering for it. So I have no advice, but I can offer you many (((hugs))) and also understanding of how difficult it is to actually DO the things that you know might help. Good for you for reaching out here, and I know that it will get better for you.

[niteowll]

I'm sinking, and I know it this time around. I don't get post-partum depression, I get post-breastfeeding depression.


If you cannot call yourself for an appt with an MD, then, yes, please have Mike call for you. If you CAN make an appt with a therapist today, then it may be up until a month until they have an opening, so I think it would be good if you call around today and get on the schedule.

Even if you don't want to go on anti depressants, it is something to consider. Wellbutrin works for both add and depression/anxiety. I can't remember if you said that you are taking add meds. I found that they made me excessively cranky in the evening, short-tempered... etc.

Please, if nothing else, please please make an appt for therapy. I agree with brenda/artemis. Cognitive Behavioral therapy is really helping my daughter right now, and we are hoping to avoid meds.

Also remember, that the first 2 weeks or so on an antidepressant can make things worse, so it might be better to go on them before it gets *really* bad.

I don't know what else to say except CALL ME :phone: !!!! I too, am up really late, and am going to PM you my cell phone number.

Kath

[Bonny]

I've been wondering what you've done/how you're doing. Thinking of you ...

[ADDled]

Thanks, guys, for the info and for the kind words/concern. And thanks for the phone calls, PMs, IMs that I got. Wow, I'm kind of amazed - I was asking for information and I got love, too!

I am NOT well at all, but I'm cognitively aware that the way I FEEL about myself is not reality, and that treatment will make it better.

I did some research based on many of your suggestions, and I decided what I wanted to start with. I had a terrible rotten day where I went back to bed at one point in the afternoon, which is completely unlike me, and I've been in tears all day and feeling worthless, but I was able to shower, then bring the baby into the tub with me and get him cleaned up, and drive Jody to his violin lesson this evening. And the kids are fed and safe, and since I can't hide the fact that I'm sitting on my ass and crying all day I've told them I have a sickness that makes my feelings hurt really bad and I'll get better and don't worry, and they seem fine. Mike is aware, and he'll make sure I'm getting better and not worse and he'll take care of things the best he can.

It doesn't help that I stopped at CVS this evening on the way home from violin to get some 5HTP (what I settled on to try first when I researched) and my credit card was declined. And I had let the kids get a Cadbury Creme Egg, and so they had to put their treats back and I felt rotten about it. But I did NOT cry in the store in front of the clerk (though I'm sure I looked miserable) so that's something!

I know I sound wretched, and I FEEL wretched, too. I can't clean my house or open my mail or answer my telephone, but please know that I am aware that my feelings of worthlessness are illusions brought about by the chemicals and hormones in my brain, they are not real. So I feel really rotten but I know it for what it is and I know I'll feel better really soon.

Kath - I actually still have some Wellbutrin left over from when I was pg and they tried to treat my ADD with it. It doesn't treat my ADD at all, and I have it severely, so I do take Adderall, which treats it really well. Funny, I think experiencing the depression this time around (the fourth time in my life - one after each kid decreased breastfeeding and once when my first husband went to spend the night with his girlfriend on Christmas Eve and I had to spend the night on his mom's couch because I had nowhere else to go - good times!) is so different on my ADD meds. It doesn't feel hopeless. It feels really, really bad, mind you, but not hopeless. It just feels like I'll treat it and it'll get better, and if it doesn't we'll try something else, and eventually the chemicals will get back in balance the way they're supposed to.

Thanks guys. Knowing that you all really care does help me - it helps my brain know that even though I feel completely and thorougly worthless and no good, I'm really not. It's just a feeling. I'll keep you posted, but don't worry too much. Mike's worrying enough for all 180 of you LOL!

[collier]

((((Amy))))