I can't stop crying

[skyra]

first of all, thank you all for the warm welcome back and hugs and thoughts about Leif. It means a lot to me. I also feel the need to apologize again for not participating fully. I am feeling so incredibly consumed by this right now that I can't see past my own nose.

Today started out wonderfully. Leif was happy and goofy and having a great time. As the day wore on, I saw things shifting inside of him and he started ticing more and his anxiety was increasing. In the afternoon I asked him if he wanted to call J (his best/only friend...they have been inseparable for months now) and invite him to join us at the pool. He didn't. He didn't want to go over to J's house. "I am not in the mood for playing". I have never heard him say that before. He has ALWAYS been in the mood to play.

We went to drop Raine off at swimming and Leif had to have a sit down in the potty. A little shocking...as he doesn't poo outside of the house if he doesn't have to. I was sitting just outside of the bathroom (single bathroom with a lock on the door, so he was absolutely by himself) talking with acquaintances and just sort of lost track of time. I knew he was still in there, but I didn't clue into how long he had been in there. I finally looked at my watch and said to the lady next to me...OMG, he has been in there almost 40 minutes! Not more than a few seconds after that the door opened just a tiny bit and I saw him looking over at me. He just stood there. He sort of stuck his hand out a bit and watched me. I waved him over and he closed the door, and then opened it up just a crack again. I couldn't decide if he was goofing around or had maybe peed a bit on himself or something...then I saw his eyes. I looked at R, the woman next to me and said, oh crap, I think he is having an anxiety attack.

I went to him and got down to his level and asked if he needed help. He just kept repeating "can we go home? when can we go home?". I asked him if he would like to come sit on the benches with me (where the other women were), and he got stiff and started turning a bit. After asking him if everything was ok and realizing at that point that he really did need to leave, I said that I just needed to go gather my stuff so that we could go. He got stiff and backed back into the bathroom until I got my stuff together. Even when I came back to him, he needed me to assure him that we were indeed leaving. He RAN from the bathroom to outside, at which time he sort of calmed down. By the time we got to the car he was fine.

WHAT THE HELL.

I asked him afterwards if he was on the toilet the whole time and he said that he wasn't. He was looking in the mirror, figuring out how the baby change table thing worked (oh yeah, and climbed into it until he heard it making bad noises and that was when he jumped down). He just couldn't come out. I asked if he was scared and he said he wasn't. Just that it was warm and comfortable in there and he was scared that people would talk to him if he came out.

Tonight, he was fine. It was the swim teams beginning of summer dinner. It was loud and obnoxious and I went with the expectation that I would be leaving Raine there with a friend and coming home with Leif..but he was fine.

I am praying....PRAYING...that this is an isolated experience with him, but yk, I have said to Mike for a couple of months now that I felt that this was the direction that we were heading. That it was only a matter of time before he was housebound. Today I feel like we took that first step and it scared the shit out of me.

[niteowll]

Today I feel like we took that first step and it scared the shit out of me.
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I'll be thinking of you. I really don't know what to say or how to support you, just know that I'm thinking of you.

[gfrach]

Oh, Krista, how very awful for him!! :-( I'm so sorry he is dealing with this but so glad he has you and Mike to help him. Keeping you all in my prayers!

(And you know I love dietary stuff, so I've been hesitant to say this, but I think I'd really be considering going GFCF at this point. It can't *hurt* anything and it could help.)

I'm so very sorry. :sob: It's so hard when your kid is hurting like that and you feel so helpless!

[jump4joy]

Krista, that must've been so scary for you and for him too. I wish I could offer more than cyber-hugs. Thinking of you, he is so lucky to be in your family with such supportive parents.

[Vicky]

first of all, thank you all for the warm welcome back and hugs and thoughts about Leif. It means a lot to me. I also feel the need to apologize again for not participating fully. I am feeling so incredibly consumed by this right now that I can't see past my own nose.

Today started out wonderfully. Leif was happy and goofy and having a great time. As the day wore on, I saw things shifting inside of him and he started ticing more and his anxiety was increasing. In the afternoon I asked him if he wanted to call J (his best/only friend...they have been inseparable for months now) and invite him to join us at the pool. He didn't. He didn't want to go over to J's house. "I am not in the mood for playing". I have never heard him say that before. He has ALWAYS been in the mood to play.

We went to drop Raine off at swimming and Leif had to have a sit down in the potty. A little shocking...as he doesn't poo outside of the house if he doesn't have to. I was sitting just outside of the bathroom (single bathroom with a lock on the door, so he was absolutely by himself) talking with acquaintances and just sort of lost track of time. I knew he was still in there, but I didn't clue into how long he had been in there. I finally looked at my watch and said to the lady next to me...OMG, he has been in there almost 40 minutes! Not more than a few seconds after that the door opened just a tiny bit and I saw him looking over at me. He just stood there. He sort of stuck his hand out a bit and watched me. I waved him over and he closed the door, and then opened it up just a crack again. I couldn't decide if he was goofing around or had maybe peed a bit on himself or something...then I saw his eyes. I looked at R, the woman next to me and said, oh crap, I think he is having an anxiety attack.

I went to him and got down to his level and asked if he needed help. He just kept repeating "can we go home? when can we go home?". I asked him if he would like to come sit on the benches with me (where the other women were), and he got stiff and started turning a bit. After asking him if everything was ok and realizing at that point that he really did need to leave, I said that I just needed to go gather my stuff so that we could go. He got stiff and backed back into the bathroom until I got my stuff together. Even when I came back to him, he needed me to assure him that we were indeed leaving. He RAN from the bathroom to outside, at which time he sort of calmed down. By the time we got to the car he was fine.

WHAT THE HELL.

I asked him afterwards if he was on the toilet the whole time and he said that he wasn't. He was looking in the mirror, figuring out how the baby change table thing worked (oh yeah, and climbed into it until he heard it making bad noises and that was when he jumped down). He just couldn't come out. I asked if he was scared and he said he wasn't. Just that it was warm and comfortable in there and he was scared that people would talk to him if he came out.

Tonight, he was fine. It was the swim teams beginning of summer dinner. It was loud and obnoxious and I went with the expectation that I would be leaving Raine there with a friend and coming home with Leif..but he was fine.

I am praying....PRAYING...that this is an isolated experience with him, but yk, I have said to Mike for a couple of months now that I felt that this was the direction that we were heading. That it was only a matter of time before he was housebound. Today I feel like we took that first step and it scared the shit out of me.

This same type of thing has happened with George many times. I have learned to always have an exit plan - an alternative for him. He is better now, I think due to the Zoloft and to not being in school, but still will start panicking sometimes in a public place. He is old enough that he can go to the car by himself and listen to music on his Ipod (which really works to calm him down and center him, BTW) and I know that Leif isn't. I think you need to ask Leif beforehand how he is feeling, does he think he can handle it, and discuss alternatives if he can't. Be prepared to leave at a moment's notice if you have to. It sucks, and it is hard on other members of the family, but Leif still has to get out of the house sometimes and has to feel safe in that he knows he can leave when it gets to be too overwhelming for him.

I think that Leif needs some counseling to help him gather tools he can use when he feels overwhelmed. These tools will help him order his mind - is this fear real? Or is it in my head? If it isn't real, then what other way can I think about it to lessen its impact on me? A lot of these tools should be able to be found online on anxiety sites if you can't get him to a counselor. Sitting down with him when he is calm and receptive and discussing it beforehand can REALLY help when you are out and anxiety strikes.

{{{hugs}} I truly know how hard this is. He will NOT become housebound because you understand him and will help him. For the record, I think it's amazing the Leif went to Thailand. George would NEVER EVER get on an airplane and fly to another country. OMG - he would totally freak out. Just being that far away from home would freak him out. You are doing everything right, Krista, and you will help Leif reach his fullest potential.

[Annamarie]

(((Krista and Leif))) I think I would look for some advice from a counselor...in the very least you could get the ball rolling and find out exactly who you need to talk to.

[Sue]

((((Krista and Leif)))) I honestly don't know what to say except, I am keeping Leif in my thoughts. I really hope and pray you guys find the sort of help Leif needs to overcome this!:hugging:


first of all, thank you all for the warm welcome back and hugs and thoughts about Leif. It means a lot to me. I also feel the need to apologize again for not participating fully. I am feeling so incredibly consumed by this right now that I can't see past my own nose.

Today started out wonderfully. Leif was happy and goofy and having a great time. As the day wore on, I saw things shifting inside of him and he started ticing more and his anxiety was increasing. In the afternoon I asked him if he wanted to call J (his best/only friend...they have been inseparable for months now) and invite him to join us at the pool. He didn't. He didn't want to go over to J's house. "I am not in the mood for playing". I have never heard him say that before. He has ALWAYS been in the mood to play.

We went to drop Raine off at swimming and Leif had to have a sit down in the potty. A little shocking...as he doesn't poo outside of the house if he doesn't have to. I was sitting just outside of the bathroom (single bathroom with a lock on the door, so he was absolutely by himself) talking with acquaintances and just sort of lost track of time. I knew he was still in there, but I didn't clue into how long he had been in there. I finally looked at my watch and said to the lady next to me...OMG, he has been in there almost 40 minutes! Not more than a few seconds after that the door opened just a tiny bit and I saw him looking over at me. He just stood there. He sort of stuck his hand out a bit and watched me. I waved him over and he closed the door, and then opened it up just a crack again. I couldn't decide if he was goofing around or had maybe peed a bit on himself or something...then I saw his eyes. I looked at R, the woman next to me and said, oh crap, I think he is having an anxiety attack.

I went to him and got down to his level and asked if he needed help. He just kept repeating "can we go home? when can we go home?". I asked him if he would like to come sit on the benches with me (where the other women were), and he got stiff and started turning a bit. After asking him if everything was ok and realizing at that point that he really did need to leave, I said that I just needed to go gather my stuff so that we could go. He got stiff and backed back into the bathroom until I got my stuff together. Even when I came back to him, he needed me to assure him that we were indeed leaving. He RAN from the bathroom to outside, at which time he sort of calmed down. By the time we got to the car he was fine.

WHAT THE HELL.

I asked him afterwards if he was on the toilet the whole time and he said that he wasn't. He was looking in the mirror, figuring out how the baby change table thing worked (oh yeah, and climbed into it until he heard it making bad noises and that was when he jumped down). He just couldn't come out. I asked if he was scared and he said he wasn't. Just that it was warm and comfortable in there and he was scared that people would talk to him if he came out.

Tonight, he was fine. It was the swim teams beginning of summer dinner. It was loud and obnoxious and I went with the expectation that I would be leaving Raine there with a friend and coming home with Leif..but he was fine.

I am praying....PRAYING...that this is an isolated experience with him, but yk, I have said to Mike for a couple of months now that I felt that this was the direction that we were heading. That it was only a matter of time before he was housebound. Today I feel like we took that first step and it scared the shit out of me.

[Pensive]

{{{{Krista and Leif}}}}} I don't know what to say but I really feel for you and I'm thinking of you.

[Peggyann]

((((((Krista and Leif))))))

I'm thinking of y'all!

XoXo
~PA~

[muse2clio]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. It must be so heart-breaking to watch your baby suffer like this. I hope you find some peace soon -- hang in there -- he is so lucky to have you in his corner!

[Jessica]

My heart is breaking for you and your sweet boy. I am thinking of you both.:grouphug:

[Ali]

{{{Krista}}}

I didn't post in your other thread, but I'm happy to see you back here. I'm sorry you guys are struggling right now :grouphug: Hopefully you'll get some answers so you all can deal a bit better.

[Meagan]

((((Krista)))) I am just now seeing that you're posting here...I'm so glad to see you, but so sorry about all you're going through :( I wish I had more to offer besides ((((HUGS)))).

[~PQ]

((((Skyra and Leif)))) No advice, just positive thoughts for poor Leif and profound gratitude you're allowing us to support you!!

[Brenda]

:grouphug: I am sending the most positive thoughts up north for you and Leif.

[anastasia]

first of all, thank you all for the warm welcome back and hugs and thoughts about Leif. It means a lot to me. I also feel the need to apologize again for not participating fully. I am feeling so incredibly consumed by this right now that I can't see past my own nose.

Today started out wonderfully. Leif was happy and goofy and having a great time. As the day wore on, I saw things shifting inside of him and he started ticing more and his anxiety was increasing. In the afternoon I asked him if he wanted to call J (his best/only friend...they have been inseparable for months now) and invite him to join us at the pool. He didn't. He didn't want to go over to J's house. "I am not in the mood for playing". I have never heard him say that before. He has ALWAYS been in the mood to play.

We went to drop Raine off at swimming and Leif had to have a sit down in the potty. A little shocking...as he doesn't poo outside of the house if he doesn't have to. I was sitting just outside of the bathroom (single bathroom with a lock on the door, so he was absolutely by himself) talking with acquaintances and just sort of lost track of time. I knew he was still in there, but I didn't clue into how long he had been in there. I finally looked at my watch and said to the lady next to me...OMG, he has been in there almost 40 minutes! Not more than a few seconds after that the door opened just a tiny bit and I saw him looking over at me. He just stood there. He sort of stuck his hand out a bit and watched me. I waved him over and he closed the door, and then opened it up just a crack again. I couldn't decide if he was goofing around or had maybe peed a bit on himself or something...then I saw his eyes. I looked at R, the woman next to me and said, oh crap, I think he is having an anxiety attack.

I went to him and got down to his level and asked if he needed help. He just kept repeating "can we go home? when can we go home?". I asked him if he would like to come sit on the benches with me (where the other women were), and he got stiff and started turning a bit. After asking him if everything was ok and realizing at that point that he really did need to leave, I said that I just needed to go gather my stuff so that we could go. He got stiff and backed back into the bathroom until I got my stuff together. Even when I came back to him, he needed me to assure him that we were indeed leaving. He RAN from the bathroom to outside, at which time he sort of calmed down. By the time we got to the car he was fine.

WHAT THE HELL.

I asked him afterwards if he was on the toilet the whole time and he said that he wasn't. He was looking in the mirror, figuring out how the baby change table thing worked (oh yeah, and climbed into it until he heard it making bad noises and that was when he jumped down). He just couldn't come out. I asked if he was scared and he said he wasn't. Just that it was warm and comfortable in there and he was scared that people would talk to him if he came out.

Tonight, he was fine. It was the swim teams beginning of summer dinner. It was loud and obnoxious and I went with the expectation that I would be leaving Raine there with a friend and coming home with Leif..but he was fine.

I am praying....PRAYING...that this is an isolated experience with him, but yk, I have said to Mike for a couple of months now that I felt that this was the direction that we were heading. That it was only a matter of time before he was housebound. Today I feel like we took that first step and it scared the shit out of me.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Krista}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} }}}}