Those with older teens (or anyone with opinions, LOL).. How do you transition from parenting a minor to parenting an adult?

[aleutsi]

DD keeps saying she's moving out at 18. She can't wait to Be On Her Own. I can so relate to that feeling. But I also remember that it's not the wisest thing to do... staying at home with your parents is cheaper and easier - especially if you are planning to continue your education.

And then last night she asked to spend the night somewhere and I said "No" because it would require me driving her someplace while I am someplace else. She offered the solution of her driving herself there and I had to remind her of our house rule - No taking the car on overnights. She responded with "I'm seventeen!" as in, she's about to be 18, why make her follow rules she's not going to have to follow in 6 months anyway? (and I'm sitting here thinking if you are such an Adult, why are you wanting to go spend the night with a 15year old friend?)

And that got me thinking... if she does stay in our home after turning 18, what rules can we expect her to follow? As independent as she wants to be, I don't see her actually being able to live independently. If things now are, as she says, no different than when she's 18 - then she's going to be asking us for gas money, to pay her car insurance, to pay for classes, clothes, food, health issues... yet wanting all the freedom in the world to come and go and do whatever. Yet when I point out the problems with that, I'm treating her as a 5yo. :eyes:

So those of you who have made the transition, or are about to, how do you go about tailoring the rules from kid to adult? How do you make it appealing for them to continue to live with you until they are better able to sucessfully fly the nest?

And if she does move out... how do you parent an adult child who doesn't live with you? Obviously I can't make up rules for her or tell her who she can or cannot spend the night with... but how do you handle the college, the car insurance, etc.

AND - hold me, but her boyfriend is an adult (18yrs old) who lives in his own apartment (that he shares with 3 other guys).... How do I navigate that territory???

[Rosemary]

DD keeps saying she's moving out at 18. She can't wait to Be On Her Own. I can so relate to that feeling. But I also remember that it's not the wisest thing to do... staying at home with your parents is cheaper and easier - especially if you are planning to continue your education.

And then last night she asked to spend the night somewhere and I said "No" because it would require me driving her someplace while I am someplace else. She offered the solution of her driving herself there and I had to remind her of our house rule - No taking the car on overnights. She responded with "I'm seventeen!" as in, she's about to be 18, why make her follow rules she's not going to have to follow in 6 months anyway? (and I'm sitting here thinking if you are such an Adult, why are you wanting to go spend the night with a 15year old friend?)

And that got me thinking... if she does stay in our home after turning 18, what rules can we expect her to follow? As independent as she wants to be, I don't see her actually being able to live independently. If things now are, as she says, no different than when she's 18 - then she's going to be asking us for gas money, to pay her car insurance, to pay for classes, clothes, food, health issues... yet wanting all the freedom in the world to come and go and do whatever. Yet when I point out the problems with that, I'm treating her as a 5yo. :eyes:

So those of you who have made the transition, or are about to, how do you go about tailoring the rules from kid to adult? How do you make it appealing for them to continue to live with you until they are better able to sucessfully fly the nest?

And if she does move out... how do you parent an adult child who doesn't live with you? Obviously I can't make up rules for her or tell her who she can or cannot spend the night with... but how do you handle the college, the car insurance, etc.

AND - hold me, but her boyfriend is an adult (18yrs old) who lives in his own apartment (that he shares with 3 other guys).... How do I navigate that territory???
Um, I have no idea, but I'm watching this closely LOL (more)

I've seen it with my nieces and nephews and it seems like each circumstance is different, depending on the child (er, adult) and what is going on in their life at the time. Most of my nieces and nephews all went to college so in some ways it prolonged their dependence on their parents but in other ways it was loosened. My one nephew dropped out of college, and I was just talking to my brother the other day, and he told me he might be moving in with him (parents are divorced) and he said, he would love it, but there will be rules, and he will have to go to school, or show that he is doing something productive with his life (right now he is sort of in limbo).

It sounds very difficult, and I really can't answer for you because I am not there. I was still very much a child when I was 18, but I went to college and lived at home. Yet I did push the envelope more than my mom would have liked, when it came to going out, staying out until 4:00 in the morning, staying overnight whenever...

[gfrach]

Ok, as one with an opinion but no teen, here goes.

If she moves out and she's paying for all her own stuff then you have no say at all in what she does.

If she's not planning on paying for all her own stuff, I wouldn't let her move out. As in--"Sorry honey, but you can't afford to move out until you can support yourself. If you don't live here your dad and I will not be paying for your car insurance, etc."

If she's living with you and you're still paying for most or all of her stuff, then you get some say in what she does and she must abide by your rules. Curfew is X, no overnighters in your vehicle, etc.

If she's living with you and totally paying her own way (including paying you rent), then she still must abide by your rules, but you have a lot less say, IMO, than you would otherwise. You can say that you expect to have some knowledge of when she will be home, etc., and expect her to abide by any house rules (such as her boyfriend can't stay over, etc.), but that's about it.

But it's easy for me to say because I'm still a ways away from C being 18!!

[Rosemary]

Um, I have no idea, but I'm watching this closely LOL (more)

I've seen it with my nieces and nephews and it seems like each circumstance is different, depending on the child (er, adult) and what is going on in their life at the time. Most of my nieces and nephews all went to college so in some ways it prolonged their dependence on their parents but in other ways it was loosened. My one nephew dropped out of college, and I was just talking to my brother the other day, and he told me he might be moving in with him (parents are divorced) and he said, he would love it, but there will be rules, and he will have to go to school, or show that he is doing something productive with his life (right now he is sort of in limbo).

It sounds very difficult, and I really can't answer for you because I am not there. I was still very much a child when I was 18, but I went to college and lived at home. Yet I did push the envelope more than my mom would have liked, when it came to going out, staying out until 4:00 in the morning, staying overnight whenever...
(More)
I think if my child wanted to move out, they'd have to be self sufficient (unless it was college dorm or something). If I was going to have to help pay their way, then I would not do that. If they are living at your house, I think regardless of who is paying for what, you are entitled to your rules. Maybe you can discuss the rules together, to kind of come to some common ground, as I'm sure things will come up all the time - but if there are things you feel strongly about, I think you are entitled, it is your home after all.

So, that is my opinion - ask me in another 5-10 years how I feel LOL

[jump4joy]

I agree with Rach - with responsibility comes privileges. Degree of input from me would be tied to degree of help required from me. If lots of help (monetary, otherwise) is asked of me, I get a greater say in the rules. For instance, if I'm paying for car insurance and gas, I get a say in how the car is being used. If the teen assumes all responsibility for car payment, gas, and insurance, then they get full say over how car is used.

[~PQ]

Not there yet, but this is starting to rear its head here. It's funny, DS wants to join the Coast Guard like his Dad (and Mom I guess!) but is leaning toward college first. I am so ALL FOR this approach, because I think he's going to be a young 18 yr old and and it scares the crap out of me him being put in charge of some multi-million dollar piece of machinery (*lol* betcha didn't think THAT would be my biggest fear!! Honestly though, having BTDT I know how much responsibility is placed on young enlistees in the CG and it scares me to imagine how he'd handle that) and well, because I know his life would be cushier/more financially comfortable and he'd have more doors open post-CG if he commissioned as an officer out of college. DH OTOH, thinks him enlisting at 18 would be fantastic because essentially it'd pay for his college, would give him room to sow his oats and mature at the same time, find himself and what he really wants to do and because well- thats what he did. *roll eyes*.

I am seeing my role as mom of an adult as being REALLY different based on which choice he makes. I mean, if he's going to college fulltime I am imaging he won't be working fulltime, and this means I'll be in some way financially supporting him. If he does or doesn't live at home, if I am supporting his ability to go to college (even if by grants/scholarships the actual tuition is paid) then I think I will have some expectations in regards to grades and behavior. For sure if he stays home while in school I will have rules- and this isn't to be a controlling person, but because what happens in my home has a direct affect on ME and my younger children, yk?

OTOH, if he enlists at 18... oy, I guess all bets are off, he'll be financially self supporting, and will have a whole new mama telling him what to do.
This BTW is what happened w/ me, I enlisted at 17, so I never lived at home as an adult and was never financially supported as an adult (I have NEVER taken any money from my parents since I left home, ditto DH and his parents) so this will be all new territory for us too!

[Bonny]

I can only speak completely hypothetically, as my oldest is only 15.

This week we've been hashing out, together, what our household should look like with a 15yo. What her responsibility to the family is, what our responsibility is to her. I suspect that it will change as we go.

Right now, I really pay very little of DD's expenses -- she either buys her own clothes (some new/on sale, some used) and gets hand-me-downs fr her cousin. Car stuff is not an issue right now, obviously.

If your dd does not have her own transportation, or job, I would suspect that her living away from home would likely either not happen or be extremely shortlived. I would probably try to engage about it as little as possible, and let her figure it out on her own. Does your dd get an allowance?

[indigo]

I don't know...I think this issue is why I think it's a good idea for kids to move out around that age. I really do. That said, I'm thinking within the paradigm of kids going away to college. I'm not expecting that my kids will be living in this house after they graduate high school. I really like the idea of them living in what I think of as a "halfway house" - a college dorm. It's not really being on their own, but it's sort of halfway there.

Now, if they don't go (away) to college right away I guess I have to rethink. And even if they do, if they come home in the summer you have those issues as well.

It's sort of a conundrum.

[Sarah]

I can only go by what my parents did. As long as I was living at home, I had to follow the rules. Period. I had to earn things like using the car by proving myself trustworthy. I had to have a job or be in school. I had to pay for school as much as I was able.

After I was 19 I had to extend them the courtesy of telling them where I was if I was out all night. I was not allowed to have the car all night, ever, because it was the family car. I had to tell them my work schedule and if I was going to be home for supper, well in advance -- and I was not allowed to ditch supper at the last moment because that was rude.

If I was polite, kept them in the loop (so to speak), I was never given a lecture about what I did with my free time. It was also understood that I would not move out until I could pay all my bills on my own -- and that I would not move back in. My parents home did not have a revolving door. I was to be VERY sure of myself before I left.

Of course, if an emergency happened (abuse, sudden illness that resulted in job loss) they would take me back. OF COURSE. But if I got into a jam by being STUPID, that was too bad. I think that was the rule that kept me at home until I was 22, my entire way through university. I moved out when I moved to another province to go to Grad School. In some ways, that meant I was a bit nutty my first year away -- but I got it together pretty fast.

I hope that helps a wee bit. You're doing awesome, and I'm watching you to see how it's done. :hearts:

[Ali]

Each child is so different. Our experience with Jordan, will not be share with his sister. If you've read any of my posts, you know dh and I struggle with this.

First off, driving and curfews and trust has never been an issue with us. If we had problems with any of those things, my response would be totally different. His problem is lack of maturity.

When he graduated, we were prepared to pretty much pay his expenses for college. Not school itself, but gas, insurance, eating money, etc. He saved all his graduation money for school. But after his first semester when his lack of maturity really showed up in his lack of effort, we cut way back.

He was 18 and still hanging out with kids 3 years younger. Again, maturity wise, and even fit. But he was in college with those responsibilities, his friends weren't.

Last summer he worked at a job in a local plant that hires college workers. It was hard, hot work. Yet, when he went back for the fall semester, he didn't apply himself anymore than he did before. We sort of thought that his working a job like that would make him see that he didn't want to be doing that forever, kwim? Didn't work :-P

That's when he flunked out. In January of this year, dh officially cut him off, lol. We quit handing out money. He wasn't trying to do anything. Then he got this job in April (or May?).

I know a lot don't agree, but he does need guidance. I don't want to give a lot, or micromanage, but if I can look at a bill for him and make a suggestion, then I do. We are still a family, and we help and work together to make it better for everyone. We also still make sure he saves everything he makes over and above his bill money. He does still plan on attending college this fall, and he will need that money. We have been very firm in telling him that we will not assist him this go round. He had his chance.

I do still expect to know if he won't be home that night, and spending the night at his girlfriend's is still not an option. And he listens :rofl: Or should I say he respects that.

Jordan wasn't all gung ho about moving out. Hell, he still isn't :-P We don't charge him rent or anything. But we do expect unpaid help around the house.

:dunno: I don't know if any of this has been helpful. But I try to be more of a guide than a rule maker. We'll see what happens with Dalton, lol.

:grouphug:

[Jeb]

You can't stop teens from doing anything they are really set on doing. All you can do is know you taught them right from wrong and you taught them how to take care of themself. It's called trusting yourself and trusting them. Then you close your eyes, hold your breath, and let them do whatever adventure they want to try.

Gaining independece in our house has been a gradual process starting from the time they were little. You relinquish responsibility to them one step at a time. And key is to treat them with respect and as if they can handle it and not as though "you are in charge"...for our kids we clearly let them know that they were in charge of themselves. Financially we are in charge. And the kids do live in OUR house, not THEIR house. We have also been very clear as to what is expected of them from society...not just us as parents...as children, teens and adults.

I think gaining independence is hardest on teens that are catered to and not taught to take care of themselves or have never had to manage themselves and then...bingo...they turn 18 and haven't a clue what to do or how to behave. For us, it has been such a gradual process that there are no huge milestones. Moving into adulthood has felt completely natural.

Yesterday my DD got her first apartment and will be moving out 1 July. She is 18.5. I have no problems with it. I know she's capable. She's paying her own rent. We will pay for her books at university (there is no tuition here). She has her first boyfriend too and she's spent the night at his house. It's really none of our business even though I worry that she could get pregnant at the wrong time. But other than that I'm glad she's experiencing a relationship.

Once DD turned 18 she makes her own doctor appointments, pays her own bills, buys her own gas, does her own laundry, we don't drive her around, etc. As long as she is a student we will pay for her books but otherwise everything else is up to her. There are a few rules she has to follow not because we are the parents but because she is to be respectful of other people. She is to tell us what her plans are but she does not have to ask our permission. For example, if she is gone for the weekend, we want to know where she is and who she's with....not because we have to be "in control" but because we care. We tell the kids where we go and they tell us where they go. DD is also to pitch in and help around the house on cleaning days. She uses the bathroom and kitchen and such too so she can help clean it. And lastly we are not her slaves or errand boys or chaufer. Basically its the same courtesy you would pay to a roommate if you were sharing a house.

It's probably more difficult when you are semi-supporting a child over 18 who is away at college. In that case you will have to discuss with your DH what you will pay for and what you will not pay for, present it to your DD, and then let her deal with it. It's not about parental control anymore. She will manage her own life even though she will need to be financially dependent on you until she is done with college.

What is it you don't like about your DD having the car overnight? Do you not trust her? If it were me and letting her have the car seemed a good practical solution, then I'd let her have it. And I would point out to her that the only reason she gets to have the car is because she is trusted. If it doesn't work out, you wait a while before doing it again.

You get a long way with teens if you treat them with respect and trust...and with respect shown back to you too! Trust and priviledges aren't something you give to a teen who doesn't respect you back. And priviledges are not something that are a right. They earn them through their behavior. The trick is to be the parent while not coming across as controlling at the same time. For me, when in doubt, I go with my gut feeling and if that doesn't work then I have to trust myself that I taught them right and trust they know how to behave.

Reflect a little on how you were parented as a teen too. Did your folks trust you? Did they drive you nuts with rules that seemed like they were treating you like a small child? What did you want at 18? How would you have wanted to be treated if you were 18 and living in your first apartment?

And it's hard, but when she moves out you are through parenting. Or in other words, you are still a mother but you are done mothering. She probably won't have trouble with the transition...it's you that will be on new ground with her. Treat her as an adult....because when she's 18 she is and when she moves out she's truly doing adult things. And you don't have to navigate the issue of spending the night with her boyfriend...she will. It's her choice, not yours.

The bottom line....you aren't in charge any more. Learn to trust and like the adult daughter you have an enjoy her adult company.

[lunita]

On the other hand, in my family it worked really well for us to live with our parents after we graduated from high school. My brother and I both lived at home until we got married. My brother moved out from my parents house directly into HIS OWN HOME (how cool is that?) and I moved out of the country when I got married (and had also spent about 3/4 of a year out of the country before that, but that's kind of another story).

It's expensive to support yourself on your own. Trying to do so while going to school full time can be very difficult (and can contribute to kids dropping out of college without a degree.) For a lot of families, paying for the kids to go to school full time and live away from home can be financially out of reach. Living at home and going to school close by (at least for the first couple of years, at a community college) is much more affordable and can put college within reach of more people.

[Mumbly]

:banghead:DD keeps saying she's moving out at 18. She can't wait to Be On Her Own. I can so relate to that feeling. But I also remember that it's not the wisest thing to do... staying at home with your parents is cheaper and easier - especially if you are planning to continue your education.

And then last night she asked to spend the night somewhere and I said "No" because it would require me driving her someplace while I am someplace else. She offered the solution of her driving herself there and I had to remind her of our house rule - No taking the car on overnights. She responded with "I'm seventeen!" as in, she's about to be 18, why make her follow rules she's not going to have to follow in 6 months anyway? (and I'm sitting here thinking if you are such an Adult, why are you wanting to go spend the night with a 15year old friend?)

And that got me thinking... if she does stay in our home after turning 18, what rules can we expect her to follow? As independent as she wants to be, I don't see her actually being able to live independently. If things now are, as she says, no different than when she's 18 - then she's going to be asking us for gas money, to pay her car insurance, to pay for classes, clothes, food, health issues... yet wanting all the freedom in the world to come and go and do whatever. Yet when I point out the problems with that, I'm treating her as a 5yo. :eyes:

So those of you who have made the transition, or are about to, how do you go about tailoring the rules from kid to adult? How do you make it appealing for them to continue to live with you until they are better able to sucessfully fly the nest?

And if she does move out... how do you parent an adult child who doesn't live with you? Obviously I can't make up rules for her or tell her who she can or cannot spend the night with... but how do you handle the college, the car insurance, etc.

AND - hold me, but her boyfriend is an adult (18yrs old) who lives in his own apartment (that he shares with 3 other guys).... How do I navigate that territory???

OK, I guess I qualify since I have a teen who is an adult, a teen who will be an adult in a week, and teen who is not yet and adult but who is legally responsible for another person. So, I've got it coming from all angles.

Our oldest has never really been one for stretching or bending the rules, so when she turned 18 it took her a while to realize she didn't have to "ask permission" to do things. When she turned 18 her friend and I made her a list of "18 things you can do at 18 that you couldn't do at 17" (get a tattoo, buy tabacco, go to jail, vote, etc.), it was a fun way to make her think of the things she is able to do and the fact that SHE is now responsible for her actions.

She's allowed to come and go as she pleases and so far it hasn't caused any problems. Her car is technically ours, but she is responsible for paying her insurance, gas, and upkeep. She's taken the car when she's spent the night with friends and she's taken the car when she's been out until 3 in the morning-yes, she's been out that late although not very often.

Sometimes I'll buy her clothes or gas or lunch or whatever but most of the time she's on her own, it really depends on my mood and her attitude. If she gives me the "I deserve this and you owe me" attitude, then forget it. Her school is free (This is what she's doing for college http://www.tulsacc.edu/page.asp?durki=5018) except for her books which we pay.

I'm thinking my other two may be a whole different ballgame! The one who is turning 18 in a week insisted up until about a month or two ago that she was moving out as soon as she turned 18l. Guess what? I haven't heard that in a while. She and her bf are planning to get married and she has decided she wants to have enough money saved for several months of living expense-wow, where did that come from? She does want to get a tattoo the day she turns 18 and that is all she talks about at the moment, lol. I haven't really pushed the curfew (curfew is city law which helps me to enforce it when necessary) since she's usually out with her sister is she's out that late.

DS at 16 can't quite understand why we won't let him stay all night at his gf's house. Maybe because you're 16 and I'm not ready for another grandchild from you!!! He's driving now and has the same rules as his sister-pays insurance, gas and upkeep. He doesn't stay out late because he has a baby to get to bed and a whole lot of responsibilities most 16 year olds don't have. We'll just hope you won't have to deal with a situation like his, lol.

If they move out of our home, then they're on their own. They are no longer on our insurance or phone plans, not sure about school. If they live on their own there won't be much time for school since they'll be working full time or more to cover their expenses.

And when all else fails, I do this :banghead: or this :sob: or sometimes even this :drink: Don't stress yourself out too much. When the times comes, as independent as she wants to be, well, reality will scare the hell out of her.

[indigo]

On the other hand, in my family it worked really well for us to live with our parents after we graduated from high school. My brother and I both lived at home until we got married. My brother moved out from my parents house directly into HIS OWN HOME (how cool is that?) and I moved out of the country when I got married (and had also spent about 3/4 of a year out of the country before that, but that's kind of another story).

It's expensive to support yourself on your own. Trying to do so while going to school full time can be very difficult (and can contribute to kids dropping out of college without a degree.) For a lot of families, paying for the kids to go to school full time and live away from home can be financially out of reach. Living at home and going to school close by (at least for the first couple of years, at a community college) is much more affordable and can put college within reach of more people.


I realized after I posted (and I'm glad you posted this to spur me to respond) that I was insensitive, because it is not always within reach financially for 18yos to go away to college.

I guess I'm coming at it with a belief that our kids really do have an extended adolescence and that it's probably mostly biology that makes it hard for young adults to live in the house with their parents.

But sometimes it works out really well, as you say.

Of course everything I'm saying isn't actually helpful in the least to aleutsi! Because she was asking HOW to do it, not IF she should do it.

So, I apologize. I do think that aleutsi is a phenomenal mom and that she will navigate this new territory with finesse and beauty and that in a few years I will be here asking her for advice on how to parent an older teen.

[webbeccjo]

Webb is 19 and still lives at home. I don't charge him any rent.(for some reason this drives my mom crazy!lol!) But I might if he weren't in college.
He doesn't want to move out because he knows he can't really afford to right now - but if he did want to, then I'd obviously have no control over letting him go - however, I wouldn't be able to help him any more financially than I already am.

He doesn't have his own car but pays a portion of the insurance bill every month. He's saving up to buy a car this summer.
He still has some of the same household chores/responsibilities that he did before he went to college. He does the kitchen 1 night a week unless he's working,keeps his bathroom clean(well, sorta!), helps out whenever asked,etc... But in a living-respectfully-together way, not in a kid-who-has-chores way.

He doesn't ask permission to go out - he will usually touch base with me about what he's doing because we share a car - he's really good about making sure I don't need the car if he wants to go somewhere or he gets a friend to come pick him up,etc...
But that has been a gradual thing anyway and started before he was 18 and evolved over time because he's always been really responsible and not overly social anyway.
I can see it being a different issue with Rebecca at that age...she's much more social!

He knows that I need him to be respectful of the fact that I still have 2 kids in the home and be mindful about what he does or brings into the house.
There is a learning curve to navigating life with an adult child - both he and I are learning to realize that he's an adult!lol!

Last year there were a few incidences when he'd stroll in at 8:30 and be upset that I hadn't saved any dinner for him. He gradually understood that if he wanted dinner, he needed to either be home at dinner time or call and ask me to save him something.
And we gradually got used to just making plans that didn't include him unless he touched base with us and let us know when he'd be around.
We now keep a huge desk calendar on the fridge and we all write what we are doing so that we can keep up with each other. Because we've always homeschooled, this going our separate ways thing is new to us!lol!

anyway, the basic idea is that we expect him to follow the general house rules and expectations. I don't impose rules about where he goes and what he does, but thats easy to say since he's not doing anything we disapprove of or don't feel is safe.

[sarahs]

I don't know...I think this issue is why I think it's a good idea for kids to move out around that age. I really do. That said, I'm thinking within the paradigm of kids going away to college. I'm not expecting that my kids will be living in this house after they graduate high school. I really like the idea of them living in what I think of as a "halfway house" - a college dorm. It's not really being on their own, but it's sort of halfway there.

Now, if they don't go (away) to college right away I guess I have to rethink. And even if they do, if they come home in the summer you have those issues as well.

It's sort of a conundrum.

Yea, this is our expectation, and it was our experience. I know its a very, very privileged way of looking at things. That said, both my brother and I moved back home after college. My sister moved in with me. We paid rent and other than respect and pitching in we were treated as adults. It actually went very smoothly. Too smoothly for my brother. My parents joke that they had to sell the house to get him to move out.

[indigo]

Yea, this is our expectation, and it was our experience. I know its a very, very privileged way of looking at things. That said, both my brother and I moved back home after college. My sister moved in with me. We paid rent and other than respect and pitching in we were treated as adults. It actually went very smoothly. Too smoothly for my brother. My parents joke that they had to sell the house to get him to move out.

My brother moved back home for a year when he was in his 20's. I actually think I wouldn't mind at all having my kids back home as adults...it's just during that transition time I really would prefer for them to be out. Then again, who knows? My kid's only 13. I have a lot to learn!!

[victoria]

I can only answer from my own experience growing up....

My parents provided a car for me to drive when I was a teenager living at home. I didn't own it but had to provide gas, insurance, and maintenance (very rare oil changes). I lived at home my freshman year in college and used that car to drive to school. I decided to move out the following fall and did not have a car to use for a few years. We never formally discussed it but I felt like I needed to follow the rules (not stay out too late and check in (just go knock on their bedroom door and say "I'm home") when I got home) while I was living at home. One time, just weeks before I moved out before my soph. year, I stayed out until 3 a.m. and tried not checking in when I did get home. My parents let me know they were awake and that I was supposed to check in. They didn't say anything else but I felt horribly, extremely guilty about that for a long time.

My parents didn't contribute financially to my education (well, sort of, my dad was/is an employee at my university and I got half tuition because of that.) But they helped me out a few times--Dad gave me rides home to do my laundry occasionally, he took me to lunch some, and he gave me 20 bucks once. I also had an academic scholarship that had a GPA requirement and got Pell grants because of my parents financial situation.

Once I moved out I was totally responsible for myself; I mean I didn't discuss what I was doing with my parents and they didn't try to give me any rules or anything. I worked really hard on keeping my GPA up so I could keep my scholarship and I lived on the extra money I got plus had part time jobs at the university for all of my undergrad time except the school year when I was a freshman and lived at home.

Not having a car made things simpler, I guess if I'd had one I might have been on my parents' insurance but I still would have had to pay my share. I was able to do my undergrad degree just fine w/o a car; I would get rides from roommates to the grocery store or occasionally my parents.

There were a couple of not fun months when I was back at home during a summer and at that time I decided not to check in with my parents (probably when I was 21 or 22) when I came home but I also didn't stay out extremely late and probably told them was I was going to be doing. I couldn't get along with my brother though and ended up moving out again as soon as I could.

My parents helped me buy a car when I was 21, a couple months after I graduated from college. It was a salvaged title honda civic hatchback and they bought it outright and I made payments to them. I got my own insurance policy and had to keep it up at that point. My parents also bought a rental house during my graduate school years and I lived there, starting with roommates and then my husband after we were married. We had a pretty good deal on rent but then my husband and I did a lot of work with my dad on that house; it was completely remodeled by the time we moved out 6 yrs after we were first married.

I don't know if that's helpful even, it's sure long. I know that compared to some, my parents had us pretty independent at fairly young ages but I liked it and it seemed right to me, all along. I really enjoyed living on my own in college, I loved staying up late and going out whenever I wanted and stuff like that.

[azul99]

I don't know...I think this issue is why I think it's a good idea for kids to move out around that age. I really do. That said, I'm thinking within the paradigm of kids going away to college. I'm not expecting that my kids will be living in this house after they graduate high school. I really like the idea of them living in what I think of as a "halfway house" - a college dorm. It's not really being on their own, but it's sort of halfway there.

Now, if they don't go (away) to college right away I guess I have to rethink. And even if they do, if they come home in the summer you have those issues as well.

It's sort of a conundrum.

This is our paradigm as well. I recognize that it is a huge expense and a privilege, but it is what we are planning for. I see that time of their lives as time to be dedicated to planning for their future and positioning themselves to be self-sufficient. I don't expect a firm cutoff time for self-sufficiency (as my parents did - the day after college graduation they were DONE which I think is pretty harsh), but I do hope that with some coaching and carefully planned support, by the time they are say in their mid-20's, they are on their way there.

Very hard, all of this.

[Peggyann]

This reminded me of my friend R, who came home from his high school graduation, to find all of his stuff in suitcases on his parents driveway. :(

Luckily, he was leaving for basic the next week.

~PA~






. I don't expect a firm cutoff time for self-sufficiency (as my parents did - the day after college graduation they were DONE which I think is pretty harsh),

[azul99]

This reminded me of my friend R, who came home from his high school graduation, to find all of his stuff in suitcases on his parents driveway. :(~PA~

Yikes. My parents were not *that* harsh, but we were expected to support ourselves from Day One following graduation (and we all did).

It worked out, and all, but I wouldn't put that expectation on my own kids. No wonder I'm so anxious and fearful of catastrophe. :-(

[Peggyann]

I'm so freaked I'm just kinda blocking it out, ATM, yk?

Yeah, R's parents were a piece of work. He told me they can't figure out why he doesn't visit that often.

As long as I was in school that was my job, but when I quit, then I had to pay room and board.

~PA~



Yikes. My parents were not *that* harsh, but we were expected to support ourselves from Day One following graduation (and we all did).

It worked out, and all, but I wouldn't put that expectation on my own kids. No wonder I'm so anxious and fearful of catastrophe. :-(

[webbeccjo]

Yikes. My parents were not *that* harsh, but we were expected to support ourselves from Day One following graduation (and we all did).
:-(

my dad had me pack my bags on my 18th b-day. :(
But it was such a yucky, unhealthy situation there that I was happy to leave.


My hope/plan is that the kids will gradually move towards being more self sufficient and be ready to move out when they are financially able to.

Actually, I know that Webb would be fine living on his own if he could afford to.
But then again, we have a big, unfinished basement, and he's been talking about saving up so that he can fix it up into an apt and live at home through college!

[indigo]

This is our paradigm as well. I recognize that it is a huge expense and a privilege, but it is what we are planning for. I see that time of their lives as time to be dedicated to planning for their future and positioning themselves to be self-sufficient. I don't expect a firm cutoff time for self-sufficiency (as my parents did - the day after college graduation they were DONE which I think is pretty harsh), but I do hope that with some coaching and carefully planned support, by the time they are say in their mid-20's, they are on their way there.

Very hard, all of this.

My plan is to expect my kids to move toward self-sufficiency, but always know that there is a safety net back home. i think I mentioned that my brother went away to college and grad school but then hit upon some very difficult emotional times in grad school. He moved back home (at my parent's request) and basically lived in his old room for a year, doing nothing. Then he turned himself around and is doing fantastic now.

i think it would be hard to be the parents in that situation, but I also think that my parents did exactly the right thing by letting him move back. They encouraged him that year to come up with a plan, gave him little pushes but generally let him be. I think that they were heroes. (obviously the story is much, much more than I'm going to write about here but he was in deep emotional trouble. They saved his life.)

[azul99]

My plan is to expect my kids to move toward self-sufficiency, but always know that there is a safety net back home. .

That is my plan as well. The safety net part is very important to me as I have never had that myself.

i think it would be hard to be the parents in that situation, but I also think that my parents did exactly the right thing by letting him move back. They encouraged him that year to come up with a plan, gave him little pushes but generally let him be. I think that they were heroes. (obviously the story is much, much more than I'm going to write about here but he was in deep emotional trouble. They saved his life.)

I think they were heroes, too. That is exactly the kind of parent I want to be.

[Ali]

obviously the story is much, much more than I'm going to write about here

That's just it, there is no black and white, right or wrong, easy blanket answer for every household. Or heck, even every child.

We just have to take what we get and make the best decision at the time with the info we have. Fake it till ya make it, baby :rofl:

[sarahs]

My plan is to expect my kids to move toward self-sufficiency, but always know that there is a safety net back home. i think I mentioned that my brother went away to college and grad school but then hit upon some very difficult emotional times in grad school. He moved back home (at my parent's request) and basically lived in his old room for a year, doing nothing. Then he turned himself around and is doing fantastic now.

i think it would be hard to be the parents in that situation, but I also think that my parents did exactly the right thing by letting him move back. They encouraged him that year to come up with a plan, gave him little pushes but generally let him be. I think that they were heroes. (obviously the story is much, much more than I'm going to write about here but he was in deep emotional trouble. They saved his life.)

Wow, I think we have similar sibling stories. Only my brother hit a psychiatric wall in college. And so did my sister. I think my parents did a great job during the young adult years actually, especially considering they had to deal with mental illness on top of the usual stuff. What do you do with an adult child who clearly needs psychiatric intervention? They worked through a very difficult time. Twice. With me it was just the usual push-pull of independence v. freedom and where was I going with my life. They did a great job of both pushing and supporting and it worked out very well for all of us in the end.

[Jill]

DD keeps saying she's moving out at 18. She can't wait to Be On Her Own. I can so relate to that feeling. But I also remember that it's not the wisest thing to do... staying at home with your parents is cheaper and easier - especially if you are planning to continue your education.

And then last night she asked to spend the night somewhere and I said "No" because it would require me driving her someplace while I am someplace else. She offered the solution of her driving herself there and I had to remind her of our house rule - No taking the car on overnights. She responded with "I'm seventeen!" as in, she's about to be 18, why make her follow rules she's not going to have to follow in 6 months anyway? (and I'm sitting here thinking if you are such an Adult, why are you wanting to go spend the night with a 15year old friend?)

And that got me thinking... if she does stay in our home after turning 18, what rules can we expect her to follow? As independent as she wants to be, I don't see her actually being able to live independently. If things now are, as she says, no different than when she's 18 - then she's going to be asking us for gas money, to pay her car insurance, to pay for classes, clothes, food, health issues... yet wanting all the freedom in the world to come and go and do whatever. Yet when I point out the problems with that, I'm treating her as a 5yo. :eyes:

So those of you who have made the transition, or are about to, how do you go about tailoring the rules from kid to adult? How do you make it appealing for them to continue to live with you until they are better able to sucessfully fly the nest?

And if she does move out... how do you parent an adult child who doesn't live with you? Obviously I can't make up rules for her or tell her who she can or cannot spend the night with... but how do you handle the college, the car insurance, etc.

AND - hold me, but her boyfriend is an adult (18yrs old) who lives in his own apartment (that he shares with 3 other guys).... How do I navigate that territory???

When I was a teen I was told that I had to either be in college full time OR working full time and going to college part time in order to live at home. I was also told that if I chose to live at home I had to follow house rules. It was "our house, our rules" in a big way.

At first, it was fine. I was in school full time, but I was pretty much wasting my time there because I had no intentions at that time of making anything of my education. This led to me cutting out and "hanging out" and that was not going to fly with my parents.

I was spending nights at my boyfriend's house, abusing my car priveleges, and just overall not following her house rules so she came down hard. I had to re-enroll full time or move out.
I moved out.
For me, and I think I was newly 19 fwiw, this was the best thing she could have done. I had to grow up FAST and I did. I look back on those days fondly now, though at the time I honestly believed my mom was kicking me to the curb.
I do NOT look forward to these days with my kids though. It had to be harder on her than it was on me. Funny how I understand that now.
{{{{hugs}}}}

[aleutsi]

Thanks everyone! I've read every reply and it has given me a lot to sort through in my mind. I basically agree with everyone, LOL! I'm just mentally fried today.

I had a talk with DD and learned that she no longer is planning to move to California after turning 18. She wants to go to a local university and share an apartment with two of her girlfriends, which will not be as cheap as living at home, but it will be cheaper than the room & board at the school's dorms.

She knows she always has a place here, of course. Also, I think we will keep paying for her cell phone. I always want to have that connection with her. And as long as she's enrolled in school, we will keep her on our (car) insurance. We'll help out if we can for other stuff, but otherwise she'll be on her own. If she can't afford life out of our home, she's welcomed to come back and live with us any time she needs to, no matter her age or marital statis or how many kids she has... that is just our family's culture and it stems way back to my great-grandparents and probably beyond.

We've always homeschooled, so this is going to be very different - her not being here at home. :sob: But I'm also excited for her new adventure in life.

[Jill]

Thanks everyone! I've read every reply and it has given me a lot to sort through in my mind. I basically agree with everyone, LOL! I'm just mentally fried today.

I had a talk with DD and learned that she no longer is planning to move to California after turning 18. She wants to go to a local university and share an apartment with two of her girlfriends, which will not be as cheap as living at home, but it will be cheaper than the room & board at the school's dorms.

She knows she always has a place here, of course. Also, I think we will keep paying for her cell phone. I always want to have that connection with her. And as long as she's enrolled in school, we will keep her on our (car) insurance. We'll help out if we can for other stuff, but otherwise she'll be on her own. If she can't afford life out of our home, she's welcomed to come back and live with us any time she needs to, no matter her age or marital statis or how many kids she has... that is just our family's culture and it stems way back to my great-grandparents and probably beyond.

We've always homeschooled, so this is going to be very different - her not being here at home. :sob: But I'm also excited for her new adventure in life.

{{{{so many hugs}}}}
You are truly a great mom - a GREAT MOM and you are blazing the trail for all of us who are watching you and learning from you.

[jump4joy]

I think a lot of it depends on the kids and the family. We have an apartment in our basement, so it has always been an option for the future for the kids to live there while going to college, at least for the first couple of years. I don't know if that's the route that they will go, but I wouldn't necessarily encourage them to go off to the dorms (which are incredibly expensive) when we have such a reasonable situation here.

I'm also envisioning a future in which extended families might once again share houses. Part of my childhood was spent in my grandparents' farmhouse with my family, my grandma, my aunt, uncle and cousin, and my other aunt living there too. I don't think that used to be so unusual, and I wouldn't see it as any kind of "independence" failing if we ended up sharing our household with our kids in hard economic times.

OTOH, if money ends up not being an issue (a lot will depend on what happens to DH's profession with the rise in fuel prices) then dorms/moving to an apartment will be much more of an option for the kids when they head to college.

[gfrach]

I had a talk with DD and learned that she no longer is planning to move to California after turning 18. She wants to go to a local university and share an apartment with two of her girlfriends, which will not be as cheap as living at home, but it will be cheaper than the room & board at the school's dorms.

She knows she always has a place here, of course. Also, I think we will keep paying for her cell phone. I always want to have that connection with her. And as long as she's enrolled in school, we will keep her on our (car) insurance.

This sounds like a great solution to me. You're such a wise mama I'm sure it will all be fine in the long run. She's so lucky to have you! Hugs!

[Annamarie]

I wish my mom would do something like your mom did. She is willing to just put up with just about anything because she "loves him." He takes complete advantage but she just can't bear to have him suffer. He will be 30 this year and has spent a total of 2 years on his own (where they still gave him money quite often)

[riversprite]

I don't know...I think this issue is why I think it's a good idea for kids to move out around that age. I really do. That said, I'm thinking within the paradigm of kids going away to college. I'm not expecting that my kids will be living in this house after they graduate high school. I really like the idea of them living in what I think of as a "halfway house" - a college dorm. It's not really being on their own, but it's sort of halfway there.

Now, if they don't go (away) to college right away I guess I have to rethink. And even if they do, if they come home in the summer you have those issues as well.

It's sort of a conundrum.

I feel totally differently. The *last* place that I would encourage my older teen university student child to live would be in a dorm.
The first year students who lived in the dorms were the kids who partied the most, from what I saw when I was in school.
I do like the fact that they get to come home for the summer, but other than that I wouldn't suggest it. (I think I would miss my kids! LOL!)

[collier]

I feel totally differently. The *last* place that I would encourage my older teen university student child to live would be in a dorm.
The first year students who lived in the dorms were the kids who partied the most, from what I saw when I was in school.
I do like the fact that they get to come home for the summer, but other than that I wouldn't suggest it. (I think I would miss my kids! LOL!)

I wonder if that is cultural. My college experience (and Jody's as well -- just cause I know where she went to school and stuff) was that everyone lived on campus and dorms starting in Freshman year. There were almost no commuters (a handful, but we all felt sorry for them). Since we were all there together, there were some big partiers, but there were plenty of people who did all sorts of other things.

I LOVED living in a dorm and I went to approx. 2 frat parties the entire time I was in college (wow! I am a total lame-o, I just realized ! :-) j/k) It was so much fun to just live on your own, but have done of the responsibilities of living on your own. We ate all our meals in the dining hall - and we would spend 2-3 hours every night talking at dinner and then many nights up for countless hours talking. It was like a big slumber party -- co-ed! One of my closest friends lived next door to me in the freshman dooms. I would not trade it for anything. And like others here, I would want my children to have that same experience. There is nothing else like it.

And because you are only responsible for getting to class or your work-study job, it is also a very gentle move towards adulthood. The last two years I lived off campus, and that was ok, but hard for me to get it all together (even though my parents still paid my bills!)

Best!

[indigo]

I wonder if that is cultural. My college experience (and Jody's as well -- just cause I know where she went to school and stuff) was that everyone lived on campus and dorms starting in Freshman year. There were almost no commuters (a handful, but we all felt sorry for them). Since we were all there together, there were some big partiers, but there were plenty of people who did all sorts of other things.

I LOVED living in a dorm and I went to approx. 2 frat parties the entire time I was in college (wow! I am a total lame-o, I just realized ! :-) j/k) It was so much fun to just live on your own, but have done of the responsibilities of living on your own. We ate all our meals in the dining hall - and we would spend 2-3 hours every night talking at dinner and then many nights up for countless hours talking. It was like a big slumber party -- co-ed! One of my closest friends lived next door to me in the freshman dooms. I would not trade it for anything. And like others here, I would want my children to have that same experience. There is nothing else like it.

And because you are only responsible for getting to class or your work-study job, it is also a very gentle move towards adulthood. The last two years I lived off campus, and that was ok, but hard for me to get it all together (even though my parents still paid my bills!)

Best!

Yes, living in dorms was a great experience for me the first two years of college. (The last two I technically lived in dorms but they were more like apartments and weren't as fun of an experience.)

I personally knew only ONE person who left college, and that was for financial reasons, not partying. This was not a commuter school at all, so everyone lived either on campus or with classmates in houses off-campus.

Living in the dorms was a great experience because you were totally immersed in school. It was EXPECTED that you'd be going to class, studying, going to the library, etc. The whole lifestyle revolved around that. Yes, there was partying! But it wasn't in instead of studying. It was planned around studying.

Living in the dorms was also a good "half-way house" because you were responsible for getting to class, getting your laundry washed, buying books, etc. but there were RA's there to help maneuver the social issues between dorm-mates, and to help when things got too complicated. It was a wonderful safety net.

For the first time, though, reading the other post, I realize that it's important to make sure that a college DOES have this kind of culture. Our local university is very much a commuter college and I wouldn't encourage my kids to go to it. It doesn't have that sense of "immersion" in the college experience. Part of it is that it's too easy to get in, so there are lots of people who are not fully appreciative of being there.

Where I went, honestly, it was a hard school to get into. The people who were there were very good students. There were most definitely parental expectations that kids would do well at school. I've never really thought of that before, but maybe that's an advantage of a competitive school - that the kids going there are the ones who did very well in high school and more often than not have expectations on themselves that they will do well in college.

For me and the people I knew it was very much a "work hard, play hard' kind of thing.

[sarahs]

I wonder if that is cultural. My college experience (and Jody's as well -- just cause I know where she went to school and stuff) was that everyone lived on campus and dorms starting in Freshman year. There were almost no commuters (a handful, but we all felt sorry for them). Since we were all there together, there were some big partiers, but there were plenty of people who did all sorts of other things.

I LOVED living in a dorm and I went to approx. 2 frat parties the entire time I was in college (wow! I am a total lame-o, I just realized ! :-) j/k) It was so much fun to just live on your own, but have done of the responsibilities of living on your own. We ate all our meals in the dining hall - and we would spend 2-3 hours every night talking at dinner and then many nights up for countless hours talking. It was like a big slumber party -- co-ed! One of my closest friends lived next door to me in the freshman dooms. I would not trade it for anything. And like others here, I would want my children to have that same experience. There is nothing else like it.

And because you are only responsible for getting to class or your work-study job, it is also a very gentle move towards adulthood. The last two years I lived off campus, and that was ok, but hard for me to get it all together (even though my parents still paid my bills!)

Best!

Yup, yup. Same here. First two years in a dorm, then an apt off campus w/ two girlfriends. That was a great transition to independence, bill paying, budgeting, etc. Of course all this was 30 years ago!

[riversprite]

I don't even know what a "commuter school" is. LOL!
I moved out from home into an apartment that was a short biking/walking distance from the university that I went to.
FWIW, I remember many of those who lived on campus as being rather "immature". I'm sure that it was NOT the majority of them, but rather the loudest of them. :-)

I'm also someone who would just *die* at the thought of having that many people around me all the time, morning, noon and night. I absolutely shudder at the thought. LOL!

I remember when I got accepted I also had an invitation extended to me to live in a new dorm that was specifically for loser keeners with good grades like me. :-P I read the info that they sent and it just seemed too expensive and too social for my tastes.
I was actually pretty mature and didn't feel that I needed that level of involvement from others in my life.

It sounds like the three of you posting had a great experience with living at school!

[sarahs]

I don't even know what a "commuter school" is. LOL!
I moved out from home into an apartment that was a short biking/walking distance from the university that I went to.
FWIW, I remember many of those who lived on campus as being rather "immature". I'm sure that it was NOT the majority of them, but rather the loudest of them. :-)

I'm also someone who would just *die* at the thought of having that many people around me all the time, morning, noon and night. I absolutely shudder at the thought. LOL!

I remember when I got accepted I also had an invitation extended to me to live in a new dorm that was specifically for loser keeners with good grades like me. :-P I read the info that they sent and it just seemed too expensive and too social for my tastes.
I was actually pretty mature and didn't feel that I needed that level of involvement from others in my life.

It sounds like the three of you posting had a great experience with living at school!


Yea, I have a feeling that you were definitely more mature than I was when I went off to college. In retrospect I was very immature. And I had some social anxiety issues that actually were helped by the environment (I am still good friends with the woman who realized I hadn't gone to a meal in two days because I was anxious about going to the meal hall by myself and didn't want to go with my room mate who freaked me out.) I needed that couple of years of inbetweeness to be ready to have my own place. I have no idea where my oldest will be on the continuum in 3 (SHORT!!) years. This is one of those many, many things that is going to be different from family to family and from kid to kid. I think the one non-negotiable is that she will go to college and she talks that way too. But anything can happen between now and then.

[gfrach]

At the university I went to, the incoming freshman class my year was about twice as much as the dorm space, so half or so of the incoming freshmen had to live off campus. I was one of those. I loved it! I think I would have hated dorm life. I don't think I noticed a partying life difference between living on campus or off, but I definitely feel I learned to be more independent more quickly than I would have otherwise. And apartment rentals were organized in such a way that I still went home for the summer--I just moved out to go back home and then moved somewhere else in the fall.

[azul99]

Yes, living in dorms was a great experience for me the first two years of college. (The last two I technically lived in dorms but they were more like apartments and weren't as fun of an experience.)

I personally knew only ONE person who left college, and that was for financial reasons, not partying. This was not a commuter school at all, so everyone lived either on campus or with classmates in houses off-campus.

Living in the dorms was a great experience because you were totally immersed in school. It was EXPECTED that you'd be going to class, studying, going to the library, etc. The whole lifestyle revolved around that. Yes, there was partying! But it wasn't in instead of studying. It was planned around studying.

Living in the dorms was also a good "half-way house" because you were responsible for getting to class, getting your laundry washed, buying books, etc. but there were RA's there to help maneuver the social issues between dorm-mates, and to help when things got too complicated. It was a wonderful safety net.

For the first time, though, reading the other post, I realize that it's important to make sure that a college DOES have this kind of culture. Our local university is very much a commuter college and I wouldn't encourage my kids to go to it. It doesn't have that sense of "immersion" in the college experience. Part of it is that it's too easy to get in, so there are lots of people who are not fully appreciative of being there.

Where I went, honestly, it was a hard school to get into. The people who were there were very good students. There were most definitely parental expectations that kids would do well at school. I've never really thought of that before, but maybe that's an advantage of a competitive school - that the kids going there are the ones who did very well in high school and more often than not have expectations on themselves that they will do well in college.

For me and the people I knew it was very much a "work hard, play hard' kind of thing.

This was my college experience as well. I hope to give my boys a similar experience; I think the *immersion* piece was key to the experience and the growing that came from it.

[indigo]

This was my college experience as well. I hope to give my boys a similar experience; I think the *immersion* piece was key to the experience and the growing that came from it.

Right, and as hard as it sometimes was to have so many people around, that's where the growth came from, learning to deal with all those people. i remember even voting as a floor each year whether to have single-sex or co-ed bathrooms. (I recall one year they were single sex in the morning, co-ed after a certain hour of night. LOL.)

But then again, I liked sleepaway summer camp, too. LOL.

[azul99]

Right, and as hard as it sometimes was to have so many people around, that's where the growth came from, learning to deal with all those people. i remember even voting as a floor each year whether to have single-sex or co-ed bathrooms. (I recall one year they were single sex in the morning, co-ed after a certain hour of night. LOL.)

But then again, I liked sleepaway summer camp, too. LOL.

I am an introvert and need lots of time and space to myself, but I don't remember feeling crowded or overwhelmed by having people around. I remember thinking of my dorm room as a refuge, a private space, as *mine*. It felt more *mine* than my room at my parents' house ever had.

I lived in a double room for two years (loved my roommates, still close to them), then spent my junior year abroad in Madrid, then had a single. Loved all my living arrangements.

[Meagan]

Yes, living in dorms was a great experience for me the first two years of college. (The last two I technically lived in dorms but they were more like apartments and weren't as fun of an experience.)


It's so funny, I spent my freshman year of college in a dorm. My roommate (who is now my SIL!) and I partied a bit but not really hardcore (NO frat parties. Well, we went to one, but thought it was lame)...most of our time was spent together, with her older cousin and his friends off-campus, and eventually Jon (my now-hub) and his roommate.

I did pretty awfully in college, she did REALLY well. I did OK the first year, but really tanked the year after I moved off-campus into a house with five other people (including my now-SIL). We lived practically the same life--I mean it when I say we shared almost every experience beyond what classes we took for the first year and a half--but she succeeded and I didn't, which leads me to think it has a lot more to do with personality, skills and family support than circumstances.

[indigo]

It's so funny, I spent my freshman year of college in a dorm. My roommate (who is now my SIL!) and I partied a bit but not really hardcore (NO frat parties. Well, we went to one, but thought it was lame)...most of our time was spent together, with her older cousin and his friends off-campus, and eventually Jon (my now-hub) and his roommate.

I did pretty awfully in college, she did REALLY well. I did OK the first year, but really tanked the year after I moved off-campus into a house with five other people (including my now-SIL). We lived practically the same life--I mean it when I say we shared almost every experience beyond what classes we took for the first year and a half--but she succeeded and I didn't, which leads me to think it has a lot more to do wiIth personality, skills and family support than circumstances.

I think it just all comes into play, you know? We're all different people. My thinking, though, is that the more immersed most people are in "school culture" the more focused they will be on it. I think that family support and expectations have a lot to do with it as well.

[aleutsi]

DD keeps saying she's moving out at 18. She can't wait to Be On Her Own. I can so relate to that feeling. But I also remember that it's not the wisest thing to do... staying at home with your parents is cheaper and easier - especially if you are planning to continue your education.

And then last night she asked to spend the night somewhere and I said "No" because it would require me driving her someplace while I am someplace else. She offered the solution of her driving herself there and I had to remind her of our house rule - No taking the car on overnights. She responded with "I'm seventeen!" as in, she's about to be 18, why make her follow rules she's not going to have to follow in 6 months anyway? (and I'm sitting here thinking if you are such an Adult, why are you wanting to go spend the night with a 15year old friend?)

And that got me thinking... if she does stay in our home after turning 18, what rules can we expect her to follow? As independent as she wants to be, I don't see her actually being able to live independently. If things now are, as she says, no different than when she's 18 - then she's going to be asking us for gas money, to pay her car insurance, to pay for classes, clothes, food, health issues... yet wanting all the freedom in the world to come and go and do whatever. Yet when I point out the problems with that, I'm treating her as a 5yo. :eyes:

So those of you who have made the transition, or are about to, how do you go about tailoring the rules from kid to adult? How do you make it appealing for them to continue to live with you until they are better able to sucessfully fly the nest?

And if she does move out... how do you parent an adult child who doesn't live with you? Obviously I can't make up rules for her or tell her who she can or cannot spend the night with... but how do you handle the college, the car insurance, etc.

AND - hold me, but her boyfriend is an adult (18yrs old) who lives in his own apartment (that he shares with 3 other guys).... How do I navigate that territory???

WOW... it looks like I got a crash course on this over the weekned, ya think? :eyes: