situation on the internet

[karunamayi]

sterling, along with all his freinds, have accounts on Facebook and I have the password and check in frequently. He knows this and so far, is ok with it.

Also, his e mail account is set so that all e mails going to him are also directed into my account. I can't see what he is writing, unless I log into his account, but I can see what he is receiving.

So, Sterling made a "group" on Facebook "people who love tictacs". Really harmless and alot of his freinds joined. Sterling then sent out a request for MORE of his freinds to join. One boy, 2 years older, replied "STFU c@ck suc%$#"

Fortunately, it went to my inbox before he even had a chance to see it.

He knows it's there and what it said and that I e mailed his teacher.

His teacher wanted to make it about sterling and this boy. In my mind, it isn't personal. It's more of a symptom of the internet's anonymity. This boy was just mouthing off in a way he might NOT if he was speaking right to Sterling's face.

She also suggested that they mediate a meeting between that family and ours. Ummm.. no. I think there just needs to be a very strong wave of education in the school about the unlimited access that kids have ont he net. It seems like it is almost re arranging the chemicals int heir brains. They can be cold and insensitive without thinking about it.

I am also starting to feel over protective, but I don't understand how we keep running inot these little problems on the net with a kid who has *extremely* limited access to it. I asked the teacher if other parents are talking about it and she said, yes, to a small degree. Most parents aren't as involved with their child's net access as I am.

Then I start to think, amI being over bearing? Over protective?

Talk amongst yourselves...lol

[libbylibbylibby]

Maybe it would be time for the school to show the Frontline (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/kidsonline/) special "Growing Up Online" -- PBS has resources for high school students at their website. Some of the material that is shown might offend parents, and may be shocking to students, but I think it is more likely that parents and teachers will think it is shocking to students, when in cyber-reality they see that sort of thing all the time. There is also a parents guide, if they would prefer to show to parents and have a discussion, then do family sharing.
I felt this program was a valuable one to show to the educators that I work with.

[indigo]

sterling, along with all his freinds, have accounts on Facebook and I have the password and check in frequently. He knows this and so far, is ok with it.

Also, his e mail account is set so that all e mails going to him are also directed into my account. I can't see what he is writing, unless I log into his account, but I can see what he is receiving.

So, Sterling made a "group" on Facebook "people who love tictacs". Really harmless and alot of his freinds joined. Sterling then sent out a request for MORE of his freinds to join. One boy, 2 years older, replied "STFU c@ck suc%$#"

Fortunately, it went to my inbox before he even had a chance to see it.

He knows it's there and what it said and that I e mailed his teacher.

His teacher wanted to make it about sterling and this boy. In my mind, it isn't personal. It's more of a symptom of the internet's anonymity. This boy was just mouthing off in a way he might NOT if he was speaking right to Sterling's face.

She also suggested that they mediate a meeting between that family and ours. Ummm.. no. I think there just needs to be a very strong wave of education in the school about the unlimited access that kids have ont he net. It seems like it is almost re arranging the chemicals int heir brains. They can be cold and insensitive without thinking about it.

I am also starting to feel over protective, but I don't understand how we keep running inot these little problems on the net with a kid who has *extremely* limited access to it. I asked the teacher if other parents are talking about it and she said, yes, to a small degree. Most parents aren't as involved with their child's net access as I am.

Then I start to think, amI being over bearing? Over protective?

Talk amongst yourselves...lol

A couple years ago there were some internet problems with kids at my kids' school, and the teachers arranged for a police officer who is an expert in internet crime/abuse come and talk to the kids.

[Rosemary]

Maybe it would be time for the school to show the Frontline (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/kidsonline/) special "Growing Up Online" -- PBS has resources for high school students at their website. Some of the material that is shown might offend parents, and may be shocking to students, but I think it is more likely that parents and teachers will think it is shocking to students, when in cyber-reality they see that sort of thing all the time. There is also a parents guide, if they would prefer to show to parents and have a discussion, then do family sharing.
I felt this program was a valuable one to show to the educators that I work with.
Why is he on facebook? Isn't that just for highschool age kids? I'm pretty sure you have to be 13 or 14 (i.e. highschool age minimum) to become a member.

You really can't avoid some of this stuff on the net, but I think limiting or directing him to where it is more age appropriate may be a good start. I don't remember how old Sterling is, and I apologize if he is highschool age.

[karunamayi]

Thank you for this link. I'm going to look at it and possibly pass it on to the school.

[karunamayi]

well, I can tell you that he very quickly outgrew that penguin site. What was it called?

He's 12 and is very interested in keeping up with his peers, within the boundaries which I have set for him. I appreciate and respect that.

I don't mind if he's on facebook while he is dealing with his peers, but when one steps out of line... For me, it's really knowing that he is growing up, wants to do things and it's best if I'm right there with him, vs FORBIDDING something all his friends are doing. There is enough of that with us.

I did e mail his parents and tell them what was written and the fact that I see her as a concerned parent is *why* I emailed them.

[karunamayi]

Thanks J! I will suggest this. It really feels like schools are 5 steps behind what's up with the kids.

[elizabeth]

sterling, along with all his freinds, have accounts on Facebook and I have the password and check in frequently. He knows this and so far, is ok with it.

Also, his e mail account is set so that all e mails going to him are also directed into my account. I can't see what he is writing, unless I log into his account, but I can see what he is receiving.

So, Sterling made a "group" on Facebook "people who love tictacs". Really harmless and alot of his freinds joined. Sterling then sent out a request for MORE of his freinds to join. One boy, 2 years older, replied "STFU c@ck suc%$#"

Fortunately, it went to my inbox before he even had a chance to see it.

He knows it's there and what it said and that I e mailed his teacher.

His teacher wanted to make it about sterling and this boy. In my mind, it isn't personal. It's more of a symptom of the internet's anonymity. This boy was just mouthing off in a way he might NOT if he was speaking right to Sterling's face.

She also suggested that they mediate a meeting between that family and ours. Ummm.. no. I think there just needs to be a very strong wave of education in the school about the unlimited access that kids have ont he net. It seems like it is almost re arranging the chemicals int heir brains. They can be cold and insensitive without thinking about it.

I am also starting to feel over protective, but I don't understand how we keep running inot these little problems on the net with a kid who has *extremely* limited access to it. I asked the teacher if other parents are talking about it and she said, yes, to a small degree. Most parents aren't as involved with their child's net access as I am.

Then I start to think, amI being over bearing? Over protective?

Talk amongst yourselves...lol


Although I'm sure that the school could do a better job, and should do a better job, of teaching internet and computer safetly, I'm not sure why you involved the school in this, unless the offending message was sent from a school computer or a school email account. It does seem like it is between Sterling and this other boy.

And I'll echo Rosemary, why is he on Facebook if you have to be 14 to be a member?

[sarahs]

Why is he on facebook? Isn't that just for highschool age kids? I'm pretty sure you have to be 13 or 14 (i.e. highschool age minimum) to become a member.

You really can't avoid some of this stuff on the net, but I think limiting or directing him to where it is more age appropriate may be a good start. I don't remember how old Sterling is, and I apologize if he is highschool age.

I've read your response to Rosemary and I understand but I am going to echo Rosemary here. Facebook set the limit at 14 and we stuck by that even though most of her peers already had Myspace or Facebook. I am not saying that will solve all the problems but I will say that in our experience most kids are a bit more mature about what they post by the time they hit 14. And it least put off my having to deal with it!:smile:

Of course, the older kids post their pictures from Senior Week and that is a whole nother ball of wax.:eyes:

We are often setting limits that are different from many of her peers but not all of them by any means. One thing that has really helped us is thinking about norms and how they are perceived and the reality. This is a big thing in our school's drug and alcohol education program but it applies to a lot of things that come up in adolescence. For example, a kid might say- All the kids are on Facebook but me. Well, it may seem that way to him but the reality is that a dozen high profile kids are on Facebook and talk about it a lot and the kids who aren't on Facebook don't talk about it because they don't want to seem uncool. This is very important in drug/alcohol usage issues because on Monday morning the kids who were partying may come in saying "I was so high on Saturday, it was awesome". And a few more may chime in and it gives the perception that partying is the thing to do where in reality, only a handful of kids got stoned. But the kids who were sober don't come in Monday and say, "Gee, I was so straight on Saturday and it rocked."

I am probably making no sense at this point but basically we try and keep things grounded in reality. "Think about that, is everyone really at the mall on Saturday night?" That kind of thing. Oh here, I found a nice little blurb about it.
http://www2.potsdam.edu/hansondj/youthissues/1119834534.html


I know its hard to have your kids walking a different path and worrying that you are making their lives more difficult. But middle school is a mere blip on the radar screen of life. I know I wanted my kids to come out of it with our values firmly entrenched and winning out over pop culture values. I am not sure I succeeded. And I know the struggle of trying to figure out how much latitude to give them as they grow older, how much to hover, how much to stand back. I am still struggling with that. I know your path will not be the same as mine and you will figure it out as you go.

I also want to echo Elizabeth in that unless there was an ongoing issue or a rash of this sort of thing I wouldn't see it as a school issue. I would expect to support him in working it out one on one. And maybe suggest to the school

[indigo]

I know its hard to have your kids walking a different path and worrying that you are making their lives more difficult.

I agree with all this, but I also think that the OP has so many ways that her kids walk a different path than their peers because of their religion and lifestyle that she was hoping that she could let them have this one thing.

Just for the record, I did let K have myspace at 13.5yo. The reason is that it made sense for her. She was leaving the school where she had been since she was 3. All her friends are there, and it would be a way to keep in touch with them, since so many use it. If we waited until she was 14 she would have already lost touch with all but her 1 or 2 closest friends and it would be too awkward to hook up with them online again.

So even though the rule might be age 14, I just used my own judgment.

p.s. Tonight we're having a talk about something she posted and it will be the "first warning." LOL

[Rosemary]

Oh I am going to ditto everything you said here. Especially the everyone is doing it sentiment. I bought into it with some things, always feeling that I am the lone parent saying this or not allowing that. Well, we bought Mike his first phone for his 13th birthday. Suddenly, once he had it, I was finding out about several of his friends who actually didn't have a phone. He never bothered to tell me about them when he was complaining.

I agree about the age limits on things like facebook and myspace. As a parent, you can impose your own rules once they hit those ages, but I feel strongly that the age requirement is there for a reason, and kids younger than that age do not belong there period. Each year makes a difference in terms of what kids do, what they are exposed to, and their maturity. There are things that I don't like now, but I'm still ok with when it comes to Mike and his online stuff, but I would not have liked it 2 years ago. And as far as I know facebook really is a highschool thing, the kids in middle school age are more into myspace (not that highschoolers don't do myspace) but facebook seems to hold that clout of being for highschoolers.

[Rosemary]

Although I'm sure that the school could do a better job, and should do a better job, of teaching internet and computer safetly, I'm not sure why you involved the school in this, unless the offending message was sent from a school computer or a school email account. It does seem like it is between Sterling and this other boy.

And I'll echo Rosemary, why is he on Facebook if you have to be 14 to be a member?
Oh I agree, it's not a school problem. Should the school teach internet safely and lessons on cyber bullying - sure, but I don't think this is a school issue. If the schools were to get involved in everything that went on like that, they'd never have time to address things that happen in school.

[karunamayi]

hmmm...

well, I know sterling uses facebook FROM school, so I imagine this other boy does, too.

I see it in the same light as when the kids are walking home from school, if the boy scremed at him "STFU, CS" I would also contact the school. NOT to make it their problem but to inform them that this is going on.

Truth is, the kids are there for a majority of their young lives. THe teacher was very thankful to hear about it.

it's not so much of an action as an awareness, you know?

Does this make more sense now? I wasn't bringing an issue to them saying "solve it" but "hey, you know what... this is going on and it's a good idea to be aware of it."

[indigo]

hmmm...

well, I know sterling uses facebook FROM school, so I imagine this other boy does, too.

I see it in the same light as when the kids are walking home from school, if the boy scremed at him "STFU, CS" I would also contact the school. NOT to make it their problem but to inform them that this is going on.

Truth is, the kids are there for a majority of their young lives. THe teacher was very thankful to hear about it.

it's not so much of an action as an awareness, you know?

Does this make more sense now? I wasn't bringing an issue to them saying "solve it" but "hey, you know what... this is going on and it's a good idea to be aware of it."


Wow, I'm surprised that the kids are allowed to use facebook at school. At my kids' school they weren't allowed to use anything like that while at school - not even email, nothing.

[elizabeth]

Wow, I'm surprised that the kids are allowed to use facebook at school. At my kids' school they weren't allowed to use anything like that while at school - not even email, nothing.

I'm actually a little shocked that they can use it at school.

[Rosemary]

yeah, I'm surprised too. Especially in light of age restrictions, why would a school allow it - it's like saying disregard the rules - kind of contrary to school

[Rosemary]

hmmm...

well, I know sterling uses facebook FROM school, so I imagine this other boy does, too.

I see it in the same light as when the kids are walking home from school, if the boy scremed at him "STFU, CS" I would also contact the school. NOT to make it their problem but to inform them that this is going on.

Truth is, the kids are there for a majority of their young lives. THe teacher was very thankful to hear about it.

it's not so much of an action as an awareness, you know?

Does this make more sense now? I wasn't bringing an issue to them saying "solve it" but "hey, you know what... this is going on and it's a good idea to be aware of it."
I don't know, I can't see reporting it to the school, but that is just me. I think I could see making the school aware that "hey, this is what goes on with kids here at this school, maybe you can consider an awareness type program" but actually reporting what happened, I would not unless it invovled the school.

When do they use it in school? During computer time? I can't imagine why the school would let them do this. IM is probably a safer avenue for the kids to connect at their age IMO. Sure the same thing could have happened, but I think it's a better entry to the online communication world. You can monitor it also, and you can make him ask you if he can add a specific friend, so that way you know who he would be talking to.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do...it's just that some of this can be avoided, and I think it is best avoided if all possible at his age, especially in light of what's happened.

[~PQ]

hmmm...

well, I know sterling uses facebook FROM school, so I imagine this other boy does, too.

I see it in the same light as when the kids are walking home from school, if the boy scremed at him "STFU, CS" I would also contact the school. NOT to make it their problem but to inform them that this is going on.

Truth is, the kids are there for a majority of their young lives. THe teacher was very thankful to hear about it.

it's not so much of an action as an awareness, you know?

Does this make more sense now? I wasn't bringing an issue to them saying "solve it" but "hey, you know what... this is going on and it's a good idea to be aware of it."


What kind of software does your child's school employ for internet access? I think ours is REALLY typical, it blocks out a lot of sites based on content and rating, and definitely this includes facebook. We also don't allow access to any kind of email or messenger service on school software, it's just too much liability on a school and can/will be abused very easily. I would make THAT the crux of my complaint/conversation w/ the school I think, rather than just one rude comment made by a kid who sounds well.. rude. I'd have a much bigger issue with my child's school allowing him access to a program he is technically not even allowed to use by the server's own age rules, yk?

FWIW, my 15 yr old doesn't even have a myspace/facebook type page and it's going to stay that way. Not just for predators and bullying issues (which are totally big valid issues) but because It Can't Be Taken Back. Kids lack the emotional maturity to really grasp *forever* (thats why they are so quick to engage in risky behavior!) and anything they put out there on it is Forever. This can also be an issue of course w/ email and messenger type programs but for some reason that doesn't worry me as much. I just think these facebook and myspace type pages are so much more permenant in a way, because the content isn't just owned by the writer or the recipient, but also the "audience" and more importantly- the host (in this case facebook) Again, this is all personal to each family- but for me there just isn't a good enough reason any of my kids *need* this kind of page.

[elizabeth]

FWIW, my 15 yr old doesn't even have a myspace/facebook type page and it's going to stay that way. Not just for predators and bullying issues (which are totally big valid issues) but because It Can't Be Taken Back. Kids lack the emotional maturity to really grasp *forever* (thats why they are so quick to engage in risky behavior!) and anything they put out there on it is Forever. This can also be an issue of course w/ email and messenger type programs but for some reason that doesn't worry me as much. I just think these facebook and myspace type pages are so much more permenant in a way, because the content isn't just owned by the writer or the recipient, but also the "audience" and more importantly- the host (in this case facebook) Again, this is all personal to each family- but for me there just isn't a good enough reason any of my kids *need* this kind of page.

Thank you. This is the arguement I go around and around with people, and I have a hard time expressing how I mean it.

[Anne]

What kind of software does your child's school employ for internet access? I think ours is REALLY typical, it blocks out a lot of sites based on content and rating, and definitely this includes facebook. We also don't allow access to any kind of email or messenger service on school software, it's just too much liability on a school and can/will be abused very easily. I would make THAT the crux of my complaint/conversation w/ the school I think, rather than just one rude comment made by a kid who sounds well.. rude. I'd have a much bigger issue with my child's school allowing him access to a program he is technically not even allowed to use by the server's own age rules, yk?

Yes. I hang out quite a bit at the computer lab at M's school (homeschool resource center) when she's taking classes. I'm always running into the "orange screen of death" (aka the reminder that the X School District has determined that this site has no educational value :rofl:). It happens with most types of forums (somehow YAAPS still slips through), blogs, any kind of chat stuff, etc. I can access things like gmail, though.

FWIW, my 15 yr old doesn't even have a myspace/facebook type page and it's going to stay that way. Not just for predators and bullying issues (which are totally big valid issues) but because It Can't Be Taken Back. Kids lack the emotional maturity to really grasp *forever* (thats why they are so quick to engage in risky behavior!) and anything they put out there on it is Forever. This can also be an issue of course w/ email and messenger type programs but for some reason that doesn't worry me as much. I just think these facebook and myspace type pages are so much more permenant in a way, because the content isn't just owned by the writer or the recipient, but also the "audience" and more importantly- the host (in this case facebook) Again, this is all personal to each family- but for me there just isn't a good enough reason any of my kids *need* this kind of page.

That is a really, really good point. Even adults whom one would think would know better seem to forget this. There's a lawsuit going on in Seattle right now between the city and the out-of-town owners of the Sonics basketball team. Some of the emails that are coming out in court are quite ... amusing. :ohno: :shocked: