Would this bother you?

[~PQ]

Baylee (10) is friends with "Bob" (11)
"Bob"'s younger sister "Jane" (8) is friends with Anabel (7)

The 4 have had joint excursions before and see eachother often at BBQs and such, however they do not as a rule play together as a 4-some. Usually if they are all together they play separately as 2 2-somes.

"Bob" and Baylee hit me up last night at such a BBQ for a playdate today and I said it was fine. Just before he was due to arrive "Jane" called and asked if she could come. I said today was not a good day for a double playdate but next time it would be her turn.

"Bob" showed up and asked why his sister culdn't come play with Anabel. I pulled him aside and told him I'd rather he not mention this to Anabel... but that it being a rainy quiet day, my husband and I wanted to keep the number of kids down (we're up to 4 now...) He expressed that his sister was very sad.

I called his mother and apologized to her for not being able to extend an invite this time to the younger sibling, I explained why (which truthfully sounds lame, but it IS a quiet rainy day for us, DH really wants to just relax, and I am catching up on a months worth of laundry) and made sure to tell her that we really like "Jane" and she would definitely get the next invite. She said okay... but I definitely heard a tone in her voice that made me think it's not really okay- and that I had maybe offended her. I feel bad about this, I REALLY like her and her kids, and I don't want to make her feel as if her daughter is not welcome. Honestly I felt put upon a bit to begin with because her son and my daughter tag teamed me and pushed this playdate, so adding yet one more kid to the mix was just too much for me to think about today. Now though, I am regretting this and I half want to call and tell her she can bring the other child over (even though I really don't WANT another child right now)

Do you always extend playdate invites to siblings (or vice versa, are they always extended to you)? Did I commit a faux pas here? Would you be bothered/offended if someone told one of your children no but not the other (based on who asked first to be honest)

I should add about a month ago her daughter came over to play w/ Anabel but her son did not come over to play w/ Baylee because he was at a friends house (one w/out a younger sibling) so this isn't a new precedence for us.

[MorgnsGrl]

Having only one child who is just now nearing the age when a play date might not include both children's parents, I haven't really been in this position. I can see being upset because my child was upset -- it makes sense to me that Jane's mother might have been a little upset if Jane was -- BUT I don't think you did anything wrong. Couldn't Jane's mother have invited Anabel over to play at THEIR house?

[Annamarie]

No, I do not...actually we have some friends that have sameish age/sex kids as M and D. Usually, if I keep both girls, she will take D to play with her boy or visa versa. It just works out better I think and neither of us has a HUGE house full (although she is one of those mom's who loves to have a huge crowd of kids at her house), I just don't want to always have them over there and I don't want a huge crowd over here either.

[aleutsi]

Baylee (10) is friends with "Bob" (11)
"Bob"'s younger sister "Jane" (8) is friends with Anabel (7)

The 4 have had joint excursions before and see eachother often at BBQs and such, however they do not as a rule play together as a 4-some. Usually if they are all together they play separately as 2 2-somes.

"Bob" and Baylee hit me up last night at such a BBQ for a playdate today and I said it was fine. Just before he was due to arrive "Jane" called and asked if she could come. I said today was not a good day for a double playdate but next time it would be her turn.

"Bob" showed up and asked why his sister culdn't come play with Anabel. I pulled him aside and told him I'd rather he not mention this to Anabel... but that it being a rainy quiet day, my husband and I wanted to keep the number of kids down (we're up to 4 now...) He expressed that his sister was very sad.

I called his mother and apologized to her for not being able to extend an invite this time to the younger sibling, I explained why (which truthfully sounds lame, but it IS a quiet rainy day for us, DH really wants to just relax, and I am catching up on a months worth of laundry) and made sure to tell her that we really like "Jane" and she would definitely get the next invite. She said okay... but I definitely heard a tone in her voice that made me think it's not really okay- and that I had maybe offended her. I feel bad about this, I REALLY like her and her kids, and I don't want to make her feel as if her daughter is not welcome. Honestly I felt put upon a bit to begin with because her son and my daughter tag teamed me and pushed this playdate, so adding yet one more kid to the mix was just too much for me to think about today. Now though, I am regretting this and I half want to call and tell her she can bring the other child over (even though I really don't WANT another child right now)

Do you always extend playdate invites to siblings (or vice versa, are they always extended to you)? Did I commit a faux pas here? Would you be bothered/offended if someone told one of your children no but not the other (based on who asked first to be honest)

I should add about a month ago her daughter came over to play w/ Anabel but her son did not come over to play w/ Baylee because he was at a friends house (one w/out a younger sibling) so this isn't a new precedence for us.

No, I did run into this a lot with my big kids. I never held the host responsible for whether or not my kids' felt included. But sometimes I would say "no" to one going over when the other was uninvited if the other was feeling left out, sad and bored. So in your situation, if I were the other parent, I would have kept the one home if the other wasn't invited... or invited Baylee over and possibly Anabel over, too.

Maybe it seems soft to cater to the kids' emotions like that, but I remember what it feels like to be "left out" with no other kids to play with and I'm sympathetic to that... but not to a point where I'd disrupt another families plans.. I'd take it all on myself to figure out.

[niteowll]

. Honestly I felt put upon a bit to begin with because her son and my daughter tag teamed me and pushed this playdate, so adding yet one more kid to the mix was just too much for me to think about today. Now though, I am regretting this and I half want to call and tell her she can bring the other child over (even though I really don't WANT another child right now)


My sister does this... I can't invite one niece to sleepover without the other and it is really irritating. My youngest can't sleep at their house because they have 3 cats, and my oldest sometimes just wants the sleepover here. Often my sister will suggest a kid swap, but that doesn't always work because of kid moods or activities previous days etc.

I thought it was great that you called and apologized and tried to talk to the mom. It gave her the opportunity to say "why doesn't Anabel come over here instead". THAT would have been the perfect answer.

[~PQ]

No, I did run into this a lot with my big kids. I never held the host responsible for whether or not my kids' felt included. But sometimes I would say "no" to one going over when the other was uninvited if the other was feeling left out, sad and bored. So in your situation, if I were the other parent, I would have kept the one home if the other wasn't invited... or invited Baylee over and possibly Anabel over, too.

Maybe it seems soft to cater to the kids' emotions like that, but I remember what it feels like to be "left out" with no other kids to play with and I'm sympathetic to that... but not to a point where I'd disrupt another families plans.. I'd take it all on myself to figure out.

Thats interesting! How would you have handled the other child though (the one who was initially invited and wanted to come) In this case the other child is friends with my other child and he wanted to come, with or without his sister- so I think it would have been really hard for his mother to have denied him his playdate for his sisters sake, yk?

[~PQ]

You guys all brought up a point I totally didn't think of- she could have invited A over there! I have another friend w/ kids similar ages and we often swap off kids. I can't believe that thought never occured to me in this instance. Well huh, thats a guilt absolver...lol!

[azul99]

If she was truly irritated, then what she really believes is that her kids are a package deal, which really isn't fair to anyone (parents or kids). And yes, she could have invited A. to her house to play.

I totally understand what you mean about it being a rainy day, not wanting lots of kids in your house, etc. - one time a friend of P's called to play and we said "sure" and it turned out he meant at our house. We said no, and felt foolish about it, but you know, it was a cold January day; we had a fire going in the fireplace; classical music on; and were enjoying the Sunday papers and peace and quiet and company of our kids and each other. A family is entitled to this, you know?

Don't give it another thought; you did the right thing.

[indigo]

it was a cold January day; we had a fire going in the fireplace; classical music on; and were enjoying the Sunday papers and peace and quiet and company of our kids and each other. A family is entitled to this, you know?



Mmmm...that sounds so nice. Can I come over? LOL.

[azul99]

Mmmm...that sounds so nice. Can I come over? LOL.

Sure! But, um, not today. LOL

[bannanabette]

I'll be honest - we don't do playdates where all the kids aren't invited, except for a couple of sleepovers where the two older kids went and the baby stayed home with us, and it's always understood that siblings are invited to our place. But that's something that's always set up in advance (my oldest is only 10), so we wouldn't add one at the last moment. I have no idea whether it annoys other people (from the sounds of the reaction here it might, I guess) but that's just the way we do things. We usually play with other kids in the park or at the dojo anyway, so we only do playdates at a handful of other peoples houses and they don't live near us so our kids are always accompanied by either DH or me.

[Brenda]

I would never expect that multiple kids of mine are invited even though they have some of the same friends and families with siblings that are friends with both. Sometimes my girls go to play as a package deal, sometimes the older three go, sometimes just one goes. The children who don't go may be sad about it, but that is not enough of a reason for all of them to go. They are entitled to time alone with their friends too.

[aleutsi]

Thats interesting! How would you have handled the other child though (the one who was initially invited and wanted to come) In this case the other child is friends with my other child and he wanted to come, with or without his sister- so I think it would have been really hard for his mother to have denied him his playdate for his sisters sake, yk?

Yeah, I would (and have) denied the playdate if I knew the younger didn't have something to do and would be upset. If this looked as if it were going to cause not fair-itis to spread to the older kids, then I'd just have them all over at my house. I didn't deny playdates like that ALL the time... just when it was going to cause a huge issue with the younger (or older, whatever the case). Also my bigs were closer in age and had/have many friends in common - I certainly don't say to them now "Take your 9yo sibling or don't go at all" - the age difference really matters now. I've never had children with siblings 3 years apart... so I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation. Tons of help, aren't I?

[Jill]

Yeah, I would (and have) denied the playdate if I knew the younger didn't have something to do and would be upset. If this looked as if it were going to cause not fair-itis to spread to the older kids, then I'd just have them all over at my house. I didn't deny playdates like that ALL the time... just when it was going to cause a huge issue with the younger (or older, whatever the case). Also my bigs were closer in age and had/have many friends in common - I certainly don't say to them now "Take your 9yo sibling or don't go at all" - the age difference really matters now. I've never had children with siblings 3 years apart... so I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation. Tons of help, aren't I?

I was thinking the same way here. When my kids were younger it was more common to have all inclusive playdates but as she has grown older, she is much more self selecting of her friends. I mean, some of my friends' kids that she played with all the time as a younger child just don't make the cut anymore and it's not because she doesn't LIKE them, but simply that she prefers to play with friends she makes herself now. Because of that, it makes no sense anymore for me to include siblings in playdates UNLESS there is a common friendship with my other kids.

Our across the street neighbors have three kids - 10, 7, and 4. They get along great with my kids - and they "match up" so to speak. Sometimes when we invite the older dd over we don't really want the younger ones to come with her because it means I have to "watch" them whereas when it's just her playing with Jordan it makes things EASIER for me here at home because they are so happily playing independently.
Other times, I wholeheartedly welcome all the kids, because it's wonderful for everyone to have a playmate.

Weird thing though? They've NEVER invited my little ones to play, only Jordan. I don't know if it's because of their "issues" or if it's just an innocent oversight - I did recently tell a somewhat close friend that I would love for Emiliy to be included in playdates once in awhile though - this friend has two dds - Jordan's age and Drew's age - and Em and the younger girl get along great. I have them over ALL the time TOGETHER because it's so nice for my girls - and it give my friend a good break. But she's never reciprocated, other than having Jordan. I think maybe some people are just intimidated because they aren't sure enough about their needs....
So anyway - I think that the mom is out of line for being disgruntled. You don't have to have mass playdates EVER and the fact that she didn't invite your dd over to her house tells me she is more interested in being offended than working it out for her younger child yk?
Don't sweat it!

[Bickery]

I got "called out" about this at a school picnic once. They chose not to have either child come. Disappointing, but I had my limit of how many kids I thought I could handle alone (no other parents would stay to help) and I had to stick with it.

[Annamarie]

I wonder if the other parents aren't sure of themselves when it comes to caring for Emily...I admit that I might feel like I wouldn't be physically prepared to have a DS child at my house but in all actuality it might be a piece of cake...the unsurity of what I might need to handle would stop me until I knew. (I hope that doesn't sound offensive, I don't mean it to in any way!)

[~PQ]

I wonder if the other parents aren't sure of themselves when it comes to caring for Emily...I admit that I might feel like I wouldn't be physically prepared to have a DS child at my house but in all actuality it might be a piece of cake...the unsurity of what I might need to handle would stop me until I knew. (I hope that doesn't sound offensive, I don't mean it to in any way!)

LOL anyone remember Baylees birthday party? She invited all the girls in class, including a little girl with severe down syndrome (eg. she is mostly completely non-verbal) which was great except she didn't tell me ahead of time so imagine my surprise when the doorbell rang and the little girl and he mother were at the doorstep. I smiled and invited them right in, but I admit I was really nervous at first because I didn't think she could communicate at all and I didn't know what she would do at the party. It turned out the kids were the best teachers for me- they were able to interpret her mumbles for me and helped her decorate her cupcake and talked to her and played with her. By the end of the night I realized there really wasn't that much extra involved for a short couple of hours playdate like that.

Funny this came up because we just saw her this morning at the VBS orientation, and we sat with her and her mother in the pew. It's funny that at first I thought she didn't communicate because she isn't usually verbal (she does whisper-say a few words, but she also does all kinds of noises and faces that are clearly communication and not all that hard to decipher once you spend a little time with her) I was so wrong!

[Annamarie]

I would probably find the same to be true for me in that situation (it hasn't come up, but hypothetically)...you never know til you try yet for most of us in unknown situations, the fear of the unknown is what keeps us from making the attempt.

[alottatea]

I think my reaction would probably depend on the circumstances. Is it possible that the mom didn't know about the playdate until after the second sibling had asked to come and you'd told her no? I can see how that might have caused some hurt feelings, if it looked to her like both kids asked at the same time and one was arbitrarily turned down. That's really the only thing I can think of that might upset me.

We have friends with two kids, one boy, K, Maya's age who plays with both Maya and Sagan, and one girl, A, closer to Anya's age. Sagan has gone over there for a playdate by himself because it was important for him to have some time alone with a friend (he doesn't get that as much as Maya does) and it was equally important for K to have that kind of one on one time. It never even occurred to me to feel bad about my girls not being invited when the mom asked for a playdate for just the two of them, even though Anya was a bit put out.

[Meagan]

Baylee (10) is friends with "Bob" (11)
"Bob"'s younger sister "Jane" (8) is friends with Anabel (7)

The 4 have had joint excursions before and see eachother often at BBQs and such, however they do not as a rule play together as a 4-some. Usually if they are all together they play separately as 2 2-somes.

"Bob" and Baylee hit me up last night at such a BBQ for a playdate today and I said it was fine. Just before he was due to arrive "Jane" called and asked if she could come. I said today was not a good day for a double playdate but next time it would be her turn.

"Bob" showed up and asked why his sister culdn't come play with Anabel. I pulled him aside and told him I'd rather he not mention this to Anabel... but that it being a rainy quiet day, my husband and I wanted to keep the number of kids down (we're up to 4 now...) He expressed that his sister was very sad.

I called his mother and apologized to her for not being able to extend an invite this time to the younger sibling, I explained why (which truthfully sounds lame, but it IS a quiet rainy day for us, DH really wants to just relax, and I am catching up on a months worth of laundry) and made sure to tell her that we really like "Jane" and she would definitely get the next invite. She said okay... but I definitely heard a tone in her voice that made me think it's not really okay- and that I had maybe offended her. I feel bad about this, I REALLY like her and her kids, and I don't want to make her feel as if her daughter is not welcome. Honestly I felt put upon a bit to begin with because her son and my daughter tag teamed me and pushed this playdate, so adding yet one more kid to the mix was just too much for me to think about today. Now though, I am regretting this and I half want to call and tell her she can bring the other child over (even though I really don't WANT another child right now)

Do you always extend playdate invites to siblings (or vice versa, are they always extended to you)? Did I commit a faux pas here? Would you be bothered/offended if someone told one of your children no but not the other (based on who asked first to be honest)

I should add about a month ago her daughter came over to play w/ Anabel but her son did not come over to play w/ Baylee because he was at a friends house (one w/out a younger sibling) so this isn't a new precedence for us.

I almost always have a "more the merrier" policy in our home, so very frequently a visiting friend will have younger sibs over too even if the ages don't match up right with my kids. But I never assume or expect it goes the other way too. This is one of the reasons I prefer having playdates at my house than taking the kids elsewhere...it's a big hassle to put all four kids in the car and drop just one off and then deal with disappointment from the other three (Owen is often more excited about the big boys' friends coming over than they are!) But I figure each kid also deserves time alone with their buddies so I try to facilitate those get-togethers, even if they aren't quite as often. Other parents also seem to understand that it's trickier for me to get out and are often happy to do the drop-off and pick-up, too.

[Jill]

Oh, no, not offensive at ALL. It's a very valid point and is most likely exactly what's going on.
I guess my perspective has just changed and I forget that it's the scary unknown for everyone - and I mean that sincerely - it IS, and it would be for me if she weren't my own child! I think I tend to just expect that everyone sees her as just another kid (which they DO in the big picture of course) since that's how life is for me with her and they see us out there doing things yk?
But, I do know that if it were me I would probably have reservations because I just wouldn't know what to expect, much like you and PQ have said here. So, I guess I just need to be more proactive in this regard - and make sure to reassure and educate people that she CAN and WILL be safe at their house for a playdate.
And I want to be sure to state that I'm not offended at all that she's not invited - but I was puzzled because these are people who KNOW us very well - and yet, I am sure that there is no way just from osmosis they can have the comfort level I do with her. So easy to overlook the obvious sometimes isn't it?
:)


I wonder if the other parents aren't sure of themselves when it comes to caring for Emily...I admit that I might feel like I wouldn't be physically prepared to have a DS child at my house but in all actuality it might be a piece of cake...the unsurity of what I might need to handle would stop me until I knew. (I hope that doesn't sound offensive, I don't mean it to in any way!)

[Debra]

Well, to be perfectly honest if it's a situation where my boys (of different ages) are friends with siblings (of different ages), I never invite only one of them. If one is invited then all are invited. We just throw them in their room. :-P

However, if it's a situation where Alex has a friend (they are same ages) and they all play with Colin as well, I wouldn't expect a playdate to sleepover to necessarily include Colin.