Middle School DD, body image & bikinis....

[Sensitive Topic]

You probably know who this is but I feel better about going ST when I talk about DD - it feels more private to me. Plus she knows that I post here and I wouldn't want her to accidentally connect this issue.

For a couple of years, DD and I have had a lot of arguments when it came to bathing suit shopping. DD has been attracted to bikini's and I, less so. When she was almost 11 and almost 12 - I felt like I had a lot more leverage because she was still wearing *girl* sizes (i.e. 12, 14 & 16) and there was definately a good selection of more modest choices - two pieces but not quite the minimum. In all honesty my issue was two fold - a) I didn't think it was appropriate for a very young girl to wear a skimpy bathing suit and I'm trying to be honest here, please don't hold it against me - b) DD is bit overweight/out of shape and I just didn't think a bikini was "flattering".

Last year DD has developed a bit more (AA - A) cup and she still had a *belly* - after a bit of in-store fighting; I actually came around and agreed with her body type a two piece was much more flattering. One piece suits, just made her mid section very prominant and didn't give her a "shape". We bought a few two pieces -w/board shorts, she ended up wearing a rash guard a lot of the time, etc.

THIS YEAR (almost 13) - all bets are off - first of all, her size is no longer a "girls" size; she's a 5 on the bottom and 3 on top. At the beginning of June she went shopping with my MIL and bought two bathing suits. 2 skimpy-ish bikinis.

Now bear in mind DD is VERY petite, she's under 4'10" so this makes her very curvy. And she has a nice little belly there and please don't yell at me - but I'm struggling very hard to not say anything *negative*. She seems comfortable with how it looks on her and so far she hasn't reported that anyone has said anything mean. But I still think a bathing suit with a bit more coverage on the bottom, in the front (if I can even find anything like that) especially - would be more flattering. We have to buy another couple of bathing suits - especially for summer sleep away camp - I'm not sure what to do.

When I grew up - being called "fat" was common if you wore something unflattering at the beach - whether it was a family member or some stranger... Obviously though I dont want to pass my CRAP onto DD.

WWYD?

[mirage1]

I know this is easier said than done (and believe me, this is something I would be struggling with, as well) but it's her body, and it's up to her to decide whether she feels good in what she's wearing. If she isn't feeling the effects of our culture's obsession with slender torsos, more power to her! The best thing for her is to never, ever hear that you are concerned about what she's wearing because her tummy pokes and out it doesn't look good.

So in short: I think you should let her wear whatever she likes and what she feels happy in, and not say anything about it.

That being said, I definitely think there's some value in having a full-length mirror somewhere around the house. (So shoot me, LOL--I think wearing flattering clothes is a good thing, but I don't think it's my decision to make for anyone else.) And, if she ASKS you how you think she looks in something, it's the right thing to do to be honest about whether it's flattering or not. But I don't think you should volunteer the information.

[jump4joy]

I would do - and say - nothing about the body issues. If you are arguing for more coverage for a bathing suit because of personal modesty beliefs, that's a different story, but that's not what I'm hearing from you.

First of all, kids of your DD's age don't look at fat the same way we used to, I think. So many girls who are chunky or fat wear very revealing clothes, low-rise pants, tight shirts, etc. that no one in that shape would be caught dead in when I was a teen. Back then, the motto was "cover it up" and now it seems to be "eh, who cares?" For better or for worse, we're a fatter culture now and I think it's much more accepted as well.

Secondly, if you ask me, those "more coverage" bikini bottoms really don't hide anything. They just look like a big bottom or big tummy in a big bikini instead of a big bottom or big tummy in a little bikini. Yes, there are more and less flattering shapes/colors/patterns, etc. but as long as you're okay with the size/style of bikini, I'd say leave the fashion and flattering angles up to her.

As a chubby kid who suffered with body image and then anorexia, my advice will always be to just preserve positive body image as long as possible. If my chubby daughter thought she looked great in a bikini, I'd give her a smile and hand her the beach towel. Now of course, we would also be in a dialogue about healthy food and exercise choices, etc. but that would be completely separate from how she looks.

As an aside, my mom would not let me wear striped shirts. Since I have wide shoulders and generally a large frame, she thought they were just not flattering and I shouldn't wear them. Guess what I always wear now???
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/394098256_fbf53ee605_m.jpg

[Bickery]

She needs a 1 piece like the one I found a couple of years ago, lol! Somehow it gives an illusion of a more contoured waist.

I was about her age when my grandmother told me not to wear swimsuits because my butt is too big. I'm reaching the conclusion that I am perhaps more sensitive than many, but that stuck with me for almost 20 years before I was able to let go of it. I should have posted under Margie because I like how she said it.

[Sarah]

If it's about her tummy/weight say nothing and do nothing. If it's about modesty, I'd try again to urge her maybe into 'boycut' bottoms.

[MorgnsGrl]

I know this is easier said than done (and believe me, this is something I would be struggling with, as well) but it's her body, and it's up to her to decide whether she feels good in what she's wearing. If she isn't feeling the effects of our culture's obsession with slender torsos, more power to her! The best thing for her is to never, ever hear that you are concerned about what she's wearing because her tummy pokes out and it doesn't look good.

So in short: I think you should let her wear whatever she likes and what she feels happy in, and not say anything about it.

I agree with this SO STRONGLY. I generally avoid this forum because it's triggery for me, but the title of this post got my attention and I came in specifically to read it.

When I was 13, I suddenly hit PUBERTY. I got hips and a belly and BREASTS. (My mom was always extremely petite when I was growing up, and still only wears a bra because "you're supposed to" and not because she needs one.) I remember with painful clarity her telling me that I looked "pregnant" in a nightshirt I was wearing. Her words and tone of voice are something I cannot, even after much therapy, let go of. :sob: Please don't chance doing something like this to your daughter! Even though your intentions are good, I think you need to, in the words of Doctor Evil, "Zip it."

Certainly, hold up suits you think would be flattering on her and say things like, "Oh, this one would look so cute on you!" or "Soandso told me this style is really comfortable," but I think you should keep it to that.

Now, I will go away. :bag:

[libbylibbylibby]

As a chubby kid who suffered with body image and then anorexia, my advice will always be to just preserve positive body image as long as possible. If my chubby daughter thought she looked great in a bikini, I'd give her a smile and hand her the beach towel. Now of course, we would also be in a dialogue about healthy food and exercise choices, etc. but that would be completely separate from how she looks.



I wholeheartedly agree with this, as far as the body image goes. I do think it is worthwhile to model appropriate attire for various events -- for example, if she wants to do heavy duty swimming, or if she is body surfing, the skimpy two piece might not cut it! But this would go hand in hand with the sort of conversations you would have around "why we don't wear slacks in our house of worship," or "if you wear a low cut blouse when working with elderly men, you'll receive unwanted attention."

To this day, I HATE shopping with my mother. HATE IT. I so cannot wait for my sister's wedding to be over and for her to have a wonderful and successful marriage so that I will be able to avoid this personal hell again.

So there's my $.02. And I do feel that if you feel like she will need to have a one piece, or a more covered suit, that you should tell her she needs to have one. I have found that sometimes a onepiece works better, and sometimes a bikini does. And I hate the way I look in all bathing suits :-)

Please someone remind me of this when my sons want to have their boxers hanging out of their pants.....

[gfrach]

I was about her age when my grandmother told me not to wear swimsuits because my butt is too big.

You know it's not only kids who retain these kinds of things. While sewing my wedding dress for me my mother told me my butt was getting big. :-( 16 years and I still remember that. Just what the blushing bride needs to hear.

[gfrach]

I think you should let her wear whatever she likes and what she feels happy in, and not say anything about it.

Yes yes yes! I totally agree with Margie.

I also agree with Robin that girls these days do seem to worry less about showing fat than we did when we were younger (which I think is wonderful!).

[jump4joy]

When I was 13, I suddenly hit PUBERTY. I got hips and a belly and BREASTS. (My mom was always extremely petite when I was growing up, and still only wears a bra because "you're supposed to" and not because she needs one.) I remember with painful clarity her telling me that I looked "pregnant" in a nightshirt I was wearing. Her words and tone of voice are something I cannot, even after much therapy, let go of. :sob: Please don't chance doing something like this to your daughter! Even though your intentions are good, I think you need to, in the words of Doctor Evil, "Zip it."


Yep, ditto on that. My mom told me "You have a figure like an oatmeal box" (meaning I am a squarely athletic-shaped person). That one stayed with me, and I would never ever say anything like that to my kids, no matter what I thought. We joke about our family having "bubble butts" (we all do, DH and I and our kids had no hope in that department, LOL!) but we talk in very positive terms about our good, strong, healthy bodies. DH is built like me, like a tank basically. Our kids had no chance ever of being thin, skinny, svelte, trim, slight, petite, etc.

[Sensitive Topic]

I know this issue IS triggery for so many women; it's the reason I put it in this forum.

Robin, I'm glad you posted because I've also noticed a tolerance for bodyfat for this generation that was simply not acceptable for my (our?) generation. There seems to be an opposit dynamic going on that is so hard for me to wrap my brain around. For instance, recently we bought DD a cotton babydoll style top. Inside I was relieved; she usually prefers very fitted t-shirts and I think this style is more flattering on her - she's tiny on top and like I said, has a belly - to *me* it's slimming. So DD puts it on and then asks me if I can take it in in the back to make it more fitted. I was surprised and I made the mistake of just blurting out "Why would you want to do that?" DD said to me "Mom when things are too big it looks like you're trying to HIDE that you're fat." I'm working on getting that POV.

Thanks everyone - I know I shouldn't say anything - but I definately need some help and reminders because I have so much of my own baggage with all of this - it's hard to separate my luggage from DD's. I can still remember my own mother expressing her observation that my legs "looked like tree trunks". **shudder** My older sister was one of the first modern day text book cases of anorexia/bulemia (1966). My whole family has struggled with food, weight, body image - it's horrible. :( :( My mom - who is very ELDERLY - STILL talks about her weight and being called fat in 6th grade - she STILL hates her body. It's just so sad. :( (And my mom was never more than 10 lbs overweight in her life).

[indigo]

I agree with everything else. If you have a young teen who is happy with how she looks I wouldn't change a thing. My 13yo insists on wearing a t-shirt and shorts over her bathing suit, even when she is just with us. And she's thin, no belly. very willowy. I guess there's something she doesn't like about hwo she looks. Who knows. but I'd be thrilled if she'd wear a bikini, or even tankini or a tank, just something that showed that she was ok with how she looks.

There's a little bit of irony in the fact that I am so overweight and still wear a bathing suit with no problem and she has such a cute figure and won't! But I guess there's a big difference in how much a 41yo woman cares about what other people think and how much a 13yo does.

[sarahs]

I know this issue IS triggery for so many women; it's the reason I put it in this forum.

Robin, I'm glad you posted because I've also noticed a tolerance for bodyfat for this generation that was simply not acceptable for my (our?) generation. There seems to be an opposit dynamic going on that is so hard for me to wrap my brain around. For instance, recently we bought DD a cotton babydoll style top. Inside I was relieved; she usually prefers very fitted t-shirts and I think this style is more flattering on her - she's tiny on top and like I said, has a belly - to *me* it's slimming. So DD puts it on and then asks me if I can take it in in the back to make it more fitted. I was surprised and I made the mistake of just blurting out "Why would you want to do that?" DD said to me "Mom when things are too big it looks like you're trying to HIDE that you're fat." I'm working on getting that POV.

Thanks everyone - I know I shouldn't say anything - but I definately need some help and reminders because I have so much of my own baggage with all of this - it's hard to separate my luggage from DD's. I can still remember my own mother expressing her observation that my legs "looked like tree trunks". **shudder** My older sister was one of the first modern day text book cases of anorexia/bulemia (1966). My whole family has struggled with food, weight, body image - it's horrible. :( :( My mom - who is very ELDERLY - STILL talks about her weight and being called fat in 6th grade - she STILL hates her body. It's just so sad. :( (And my mom was never more than 10 lbs overweight in her life).

{{{{{ST}}}}} You are breaking a cycle and that is such an awesome and hard thing. (nt)

[gfrach]

Yes! Huge hugs!!

[libbylibbylibby]

Jody, this may or may not be the case with your DD, but I think it's worthwhile to put it out there, that kids may be okay with their bodies but not want to show them in clothing. I'm sure you're not pushing her to dress a certain way, but I think that sometimes wanting to cover up is associated with negative body image when that isn't the case.

[Sue]

Your such a caring mom! I am glad you posted here, because it shows you really care and are trying to walk that fine line between helping and harming.

Sounds like you are doing a great job so far. Because she seems to have a realistic and healthy body image from what you've posted!

I am in the "Don't say anything AT ALL camp too." Just be there to help her when EXTERNAL forces and critisims happen. Being a middle schooler this is bond to happen.

[jerzymama]

I agree with everything else. If you have a young teen who is happy with how she looks I wouldn't change a thing. My 13yo insists on wearing a t-shirt and shorts over her bathing suit, even when she is just with us. And she's thin, no belly. very willowy. I guess there's something she doesn't like about hwo she looks. Who knows. but I'd be thrilled if she'd wear a bikini, or even tankini or a tank, just something that showed that she was ok with how she looks.

There's a little bit of irony in the fact that I am so overweight and still wear a bathing suit with no problem and she has such a cute figure and won't! But I guess there's a big difference in how much a 41yo woman cares about what other people think and how much a 13yo does.

Also, just from what you've always said about your DD - she also likes to go against what's popular - maybe it's really a fashion statement and an expression of her individuality to not wear the skimpy suits that are so popular with girls her age?

[indigo]

Jody, this may or may not be the case with your DD, but I think it's worthwhile to put it out there, that kids may be okay with their bodies but not want to show them in clothing. I'm sure you're not pushing her to dress a certain way, but I think that sometimes wanting to cover up is associated with negative body image when that isn't the case.

Thanks for saying this. I haven't really thought that much about it, but that could be the case. I do think she is self-conscious. She had a big milestone because this summer she is at least willing to wear shorts when she goes out. the shorts have to come almost down to her knees but it's better than last summer when she insisted on jeans all the time.

I really don't know how she feels about her body. She doesn't talk much about that kind of thing. She just says that she prefers to dress this way.

[Sue]

I agree with everything else. If you have a young teen who is happy with how she looks I wouldn't change a thing. My 13yo insists on wearing a t-shirt and shorts over her bathing suit, even when she is just with us. And she's thin, no belly. very willowy. I guess there's something she doesn't like about hwo she looks. Who knows. but I'd be thrilled if she'd wear a bikini, or even tankini or a tank, just something that showed that she was ok with how she looks.

There's a little bit of irony in the fact that I am so overweight and still wear a bathing suit with no problem and she has such a cute figure and won't! But I guess there's a big difference in how much a 41yo woman cares about what other people think and how much a 13yo does.

Could totally be a modesty, shy, or comfort thing. When I am all alone in the house, I will wrap a towel around myself to got from the shower to the bedroom. I just feel more comfortable without all that breeziness touching me, LOL! It's really not body image for me. It's comfort. I enjoy the feeling of being covered up.

[Bickery]

You know it's not only kids who retain these kinds of things. While sewing my wedding dress for me my mother told me my butt was getting big. :-( 16 years and I still remember that. Just what the blushing bride needs to hear.

(((Rach))) I remember being surprised at work when a coworker was upset because her mother told her she looked fat in her wedding dress and when I tried to console her with, "Mothers are that way" someone disagreed with me.

My mother never really hopped on the "you're fat" bandwagon, but she praises me and my appearance when I wear someone oversized that hides my shape entirely or when one of us gets a haircut. I only look good when I conform to her preferences.

[~PQ]

You know it's not only kids who retain these kinds of things. While sewing my wedding dress for me my mother told me my butt was getting big. :-( 16 years and I still remember that. Just what the blushing bride needs to hear.
Before I got serious w/ DH I had this "friend with benefits" guy, and I will never forget laying there with him one day post-coitus, and he casually says "you know you're getting a little thick around the middle. I thought you'd want to know.."

Um yeah, I am a helluva lot bigger round the middle now, after babies, but I mark that as the first time ANYONE ever suggested I was fat or getting fat. It was really traumatic to hear.

It only makes it a little better than DH ran into this guy 2 yrs ago and told me he was nearly bald and really paunchy... he had been Mr Fit when I knew him, I like picturing him with a pot belly. Aaaah, there, started to feel that old yucky fat-me feeling, and have successfully staved it off again. God bless DH, he does know how to make me feel better, for all his annoying habits. ;)

[azul99]

Before I got serious w/ DH I had this "friend with benefits" guy, and I will never forget laying there with him one day post-coitus, and he casually says "you know you're getting a little thick around the middle. I thought you'd want to know.."

Um yeah, I am a helluva lot bigger round the middle now, after babies, but I mark that as the first time ANYONE ever suggested I was fat or getting fat. It was really traumatic to hear.

I had a boyfriend who said something similar once - "you have a tendency to get chubby, don't you?," he said. At the time, I weighed 115 lbs. I *still* think of that and feel angry. I should have told him to go to hell.

[Rosemary]

I had a boyfriend who said something similar once - "you have a tendency to get chubby, don't you?," he said. At the time, I weighed 115 lbs. I *still* think of that and feel angry. I should have told him to go to hell.
My highschool boyfriend said something similar. We were talking about some lady on my block who was pregnant and walked by and I in my stupid 16 year oldness, said, wow she is getting fat, and he said, it's not like you are skinny or anything, look at how tight your shorts are! OMG, I was so mad and self conscious when he said that. I never wore those shorts again and I was always self conscious around him about my weight. I don't even think I weighed 110 pounds at the time, and damn, those tight shorts looked good!