I need some perspective on cell phones and teenage girls

[webbeccjo]

Rebeca is 16 and is constantly talking on her cell phone. She's very social and is usually very good about making sure she talks on nights and weekends or to friends who are "in" our plan so that we don't get charged for minutes.

She has a boyfriend that she rarely sees - he lives in about 30 mins away in a neighboring town and they used to see each other every sat. night when she would go ice skating, but she hasn't been able to go in the past few months. They talk on the phone daily for hours at a time. I don't know why this bothers me...I don't really have a reason for it to.I guess maybe because it the first time shes had a boyfriend that I didn't know? her other boyfriend spent lots of time here and knew him and their circle of friends. In fact I used to cart them all around to the movies, the mall,etc...our house was the teen hangout house for about a year.


She calls people when she's with her friends, she calls people when she spends the night at friends homes...when she and her cousin go to the mall, Rebecca is on the phone most of the time.
She will often act secretive about her conversations...saying she 's going on a walk and taking her phone with her.

When we first got her phone several years ago, we had a no phone use after 10pm rule, just because that was family time...we'd watch tv together or talk/cuddle/read together before bed.
Well, I got the last phone bill and noticed that she had over 40 calls made after 10pm during the last billing cycle. This was never a rule that I spent time or energy enforcing.... I just trusted her - she has never been one to sneak or break the rules.In fact its the breach of trust that concerns me the most.
She's away at camp right now and wasn't supposed to take her phone, but I can't find it here. I'm hesitant to really search in her room, but I didn't see it on her desk where it usually is if she doesn't have it with her.

I'm just curious about what a "normal" or reasonable amount of time spent on a cell phone would be for a 16yo.
Is it appropriate to have her not talk on the phone at night after 10? Is that too restrictive for a 16yo?
I'm struggling with determining whether it upsets me because its most likely this boy she's talking to (which would be my own hang up -I have no reason to think anything negative of him or their relationship), or whether its the fact that its late and cutting into family time or what my underlying concern really is. I just have this knee-jerk reaction that its not ok for her to spend so much time on the cell phone.

What does cell phone use look like with your teen girls? I need some perspective.

[lunita]

[QUOTE=webbeccjo;41991]

She calls people when she's with her friends, she calls people when she spends the night at friends homes...when she and her cousin go to the mall, Rebecca is on the phone most of the time.
She will often act secretive about her conversations...saying she 's going on a walk and taking her phone with her.

/QUOTE]

This part sounds very rude and inconsiderate of the people she's with. It would bug me very much (I've had it happen to me with other adults in real life and it hurt my feelings that the people I had arranged to spend my time with were chosing to focus on someone who wasn't in the room for something more than an urgent message-type phone call.) It's not about teens and talking on the phone, it's about respecting the feelings of the people you are choosing to spend time with at the moment. THIS is what I would be bothered by and would address. She's going to alienate the friends and the cousin if they continue to see that she's more interested in the person on the other end of the phone than the one right in front of her.

[gfrach]

I totally agree. I know people who do this and it irks me to no end.

However, I also think that I would be bothered by the huge amount of time talking, too, and doing it so late. Family time is precious and should be without everyone talking on their cell phones.

I also think it's not unreasonable to have a limit on how late she can call people. I know she's probably calling the other people on their cell phones, but I wouldn't want my kid's phone ringing after 10 pm (not that my kid has a phone, but you know what I mean).

[aleutsi]

Rebeca is 16 and is constantly talking on her cell phone. She's very social and is usually very good about making sure she talks on nights and weekends or to friends who are "in" our plan so that we don't get charged for minutes.

She has a boyfriend that she rarely sees - he lives in about 30 mins away in a neighboring town and they used to see each other every sat. night when she would go ice skating, but she hasn't been able to go in the past few months. They talk on the phone daily for hours at a time. I don't know why this bothers me...I don't really have a reason for it to.I guess maybe because it the first time shes had a boyfriend that I didn't know? her other boyfriend spent lots of time here and knew him and their circle of friends. In fact I used to cart them all around to the movies, the mall,etc...our house was the teen hangout house for about a year.


She calls people when she's with her friends, she calls people when she spends the night at friends homes...when she and her cousin go to the mall, Rebecca is on the phone most of the time.
She will often act secretive about her conversations...saying she 's going on a walk and taking her phone with her.

When we first got her phone several years ago, we had a no phone use after 10pm rule, just because that was family time...we'd watch tv together or talk/cuddle/read together before bed.
Well, I got the last phone bill and noticed that she had over 40 calls made after 10pm during the last billing cycle. This was never a rule that I spent time or energy enforcing.... I just trusted her - she has never been one to sneak or break the rules.In fact its the breach of trust that concerns me the most.
She's away at camp right now and wasn't supposed to take her phone, but I can't find it here. I'm hesitant to really search in her room, but I didn't see it on her desk where it usually is if she doesn't have it with her.

I'm just curious about what a "normal" or reasonable amount of time spent on a cell phone would be for a 16yo.
Is it appropriate to have her not talk on the phone at night after 10? Is that too restrictive for a 16yo?
I'm struggling with determining whether it upsets me because its most likely this boy she's talking to (which would be my own hang up -I have no reason to think anything negative of him or their relationship), or whether its the fact that its late and cutting into family time or what my underlying concern really is. I just have this knee-jerk reaction that its not ok for her to spend so much time on the cell phone.

What does cell phone use look like with your teen girls? I need some perspective.

Give them an inch, they'll take a mile! This is normal, but unacceptable phone usage in our home with BOTH of our teens (boy and girl).

Our rules are:

No talking/texting after 10pm... automatic 1 week restriction if busted.

No talking/texting during family time - dinners, when we're talking to them :eyes:, birthday parties, etc. ... no restriction for this one.. just a friendly reminder of how RUDE it is do talk/text in company.

No talking in the car. They can text, just not begin a voice conversation and make us all think they're talking to one of us, LOL! They can ask to make a specific call and we usually let them. No restrictions, just a reminder.

No talking/texting in church/school. at least 1 week restriction if busted.

And of course, No talking/texting while DRIVING. Severe restriction if busted - loss of driving and phone privileges.

There are basically two types of restriction. One is they turn the phone over to the parents until it is needed while they are out somewhere w/o parents. The other (severe) is they don't get to go anywhere w/o parents because they don't have access to their phone at all. School and work are the only exception.

[aleutsi]

Give them an inch, they'll take a mile! This is normal, but unacceptable phone usage in our home with BOTH of our teens (boy and girl).

Our rules are:

No talking/texting after 10pm... automatic 1 week restriction if busted.

No talking/texting during family time - dinners, when we're talking to them :eyes:, birthday parties, etc. ... no restriction for this one.. just a friendly reminder of how RUDE it is do talk/text in company.

No talking in the car. They can text, just not begin a voice conversation and make us all think they're talking to one of us, LOL! They can ask to make a specific call and we usually let them. No restrictions, just a reminder.

No talking/texting in church/school. at least 1 week restriction if busted.

And of course, No talking/texting while DRIVING. Severe restriction if busted - loss of driving and phone privileges.

There are basically two types of restriction. One is they turn the phone over to the parents until it is needed while they are out somewhere w/o parents. The other (severe) is they don't get to go anywhere w/o parents because they don't have access to their phone at all. School and work are the only exception.

I forgot two rules...

If they do not answer when we call them (or return our call pretty quickly) they face restriction. And they are not allowed, while we are talking to them on the phone, to say something like "OH HOLD ON... Susan's calling me.. click." :nono::eyes: The main purpose for them having a cell phone is so that we can have direct contact with them at all times and so they can get a hold of us at all times. The side benifit is they get to talk with friends. If the side benifit gets in the way of the main purpose... then there will be consequences. :smile:

[webbeccjo]

Thanks for the input guys!
I wanted to make sure I wasn't reacting to feeling left out or rejected or irritated,or anything like that. I don't want arbitrary rules - I want her to have a reasonable amount of freedom,but I do think she needs some boundaries.

I feel like I'm navigating new territory with Rebecca.
She's always been so considerate and trustworthy in the past. Having to make lots of rules and police what she's doing is new to me.

I've really watched her change over the past year. She's not doing anything wrong or bad....its just an attitude shift.
And while she's still a sweet, compassionate,kind girl - she's becoming more self centered, she doesn't share with me as much...although she's always been kind of like that -her dad is like that too. Webb on the other hand tells me everything...more than I want to know sometimes!lol!
Shes gotten close to a group of girls in our hs group and they are kind of cliquey
she's not really a leader, but the main two girls in this group are twins and they adore Rebecca...falling all over themselves to impress her. She's noticing how much influence she has over these girls, and although she's not comfortable in a leader type role, she's definitely enjoying how much these girls fawn all over her.

Its almost as if she thinks she can do no wrong right now!

[Rosemary]

Give them an inch, they'll take a mile! This is normal, but unacceptable phone usage in our home with BOTH of our teens (boy and girl).

Our rules are:

No talking/texting after 10pm... automatic 1 week restriction if busted.

No talking/texting during family time - dinners, when we're talking to them :eyes:, birthday parties, etc. ... no restriction for this one.. just a friendly reminder of how RUDE it is do talk/text in company.

No talking in the car. They can text, just not begin a voice conversation and make us all think they're talking to one of us, LOL! They can ask to make a specific call and we usually let them. No restrictions, just a reminder.

No talking/texting in church/school. at least 1 week restriction if busted.

And of course, No talking/texting while DRIVING. Severe restriction if busted - loss of driving and phone privileges.

There are basically two types of restriction. One is they turn the phone over to the parents until it is needed while they are out somewhere w/o parents. The other (severe) is they don't get to go anywhere w/o parents because they don't have access to their phone at all. School and work are the only exception.

a

[Annamarie]

I don't have a child at that age yet so I can't say what I have done or absolutely will do. But, I think it is rude for someone to constantly not be engaged in relating to the person they are spending physical time with because of constant phone use. What you describe would not be ok with me.

[Debra]

I forgot two rules...

If they do not answer when we call them (or return our call pretty quickly) they face restriction. And they are not allowed, while we are talking to them on the phone, to say something like "OH HOLD ON... Susan's calling me.. click." :nono::eyes: The main purpose for them having a cell phone is so that we can have direct contact with them at all times and so they can get a hold of us at all times. The side benifit is they get to talk with friends. If the side benifit gets in the way of the main purpose... then there will be consequences. :smile:

This is exactly how we feel and we have pretty much the same rules. nt

[Bonny]

timely discussion for us, too. B has had trouble controlling herself w the texting this week, after being w her friends on missions trip for a very intense week last week. She had a boy texting her at 5:30 am today! It hasn't been an issue until now, but we do need to have a conversation about it.

I appreciate Annie's post! (uh, was it Annie;s? LOL)

[MsBig]

We have the complete opposite problem, almost 16 yo Birch has a cell phone but never turns it on!

This is significant to me in that she has occasionally complained about not feeling connected to any of her friends/acquaintances (who all text and talk all the time). I worry that her timidity in putting herself out there in friendships is learned behavior - from me - and that she isolates herself rather than having to make the reciprocal effort to build and maintain friendships.

I actually have to insist that she use her cell phone - which arises most often when I am at work or she is with her father and I want to be able to reach her.

Reading your posts on this subject gives me a bit of perspective and a little more heartache for her, at the same time I feel relieved! :razzberry:

Willow, who is almost 12, is going to another story altogether - when/if I ever let her out of my sight! Oy, what a social butterfly she is!

[sarahs]

Thanks for the input guys!
.... I feel like I'm navigating new territory with Rebecca.
She's always been so considerate and trustworthy in the past. Having to make lots of rules and police what she's doing is new to me.

I've really watched her change over the past year. She's not doing anything wrong or bad....its just an attitude shift.
And while she's still a sweet, compassionate,kind girl - she's becoming more self centered, she doesn't share with me as much...

Yes. This sounds familiar. Its been a hard 6 months with my oldest but I feel like we are in a good place right now, found our equilibrium again. But I really had to find some new parenting skills and insight to navigate the new terrain. I am enjoying this time before the next wave hits. And it will hit.