Porn and teenagers

[Sensitive Topic]

15 year old boy.
What would you do what would you say?
It was found on the computer history.
My feelings on this is that it is nunacceptable because he is 15 and because it is my computer and he is allowed to visit websites but he knows this would be not allowed as he deleted the history the one night and I got suspisus and asked him why and he didn't delete the next night so when I checked this is what I found.

What would you do and what would you say?
It was normal variety porn but I still am shocked.

[MorgnsGrl]

15 year old boy.
What would you do what would you say?
It was found on the computer history.
My feelings on this is that it is nunacceptable because he is 15 and because it is my computer and he is allowed to visit websites but he knows this would be not allowed as he deleted the history the one night and I got suspisus and asked him why and he didn't delete the next night so when I checked this is what I found.

What would you do and what would you say?
It was normal variety porn but I still am shocked.

I suspect this will be an unpopular opinion, but I think it is normal for teenagers to be curious and it wouldn't trouble me. You are, of course, entitled to your own rules under your roof, and if you want the rule to be "You May Not View Any Porn With My Computer" then I'd imagine you can enforce that rule by saying that if he views porn he will not be allowed to use the computer without supervision (and that if he deletes the history you will assume he was viewing porn and he'll get the same consequence).

If it were me, I'd certainly initiate a conversation about the kinds of porn that exist and how I am more uncomfortable with some kinds than others.

[Sarah]

I suspect this will be an unpopular opinion, but I think it is normal for teenagers to be curious and it wouldn't trouble me. You are, of course, entitled to your own rules under your roof, and if you want the rule to be "You May Not View Any Porn With My Computer" then I'd imagine you can enforce that rule by saying that if he views porn he will not be allowed to use the computer without supervision (and that if he deletes the history you will assume he was viewing porn and he'll get the same consequence).

If it were me, I'd certainly initiate a conversation about the kinds of porn that exist and how I am more uncomfortable with some kinds than others.

I agree with you, Amy. Well, at this point. Talk to me when my son is older and actually looking. :bag:

[Ali]

[QUOTE=MorgnsGrl;41514] You are, of course, entitled to your own rules under your roof, and if you want the rule to be "You May Not View Any Porn With My Computer"/QUOTE]

You'll need a nanny type software. My kids know that nothing done on my computer (the only one net accessible) is private. I've loosened up with Jordan, and have found porn he viewed online late at night, but he's 20. And only rarely, like twice ever.

[indigo]

I suspect this will be an unpopular opinion, but I think it is normal for teenagers to be curious and it wouldn't trouble me. You are, of course, entitled to your own rules under your roof, and if you want the rule to be "You May Not View Any Porn With My Computer" then I'd imagine you can enforce that rule by saying that if he views porn he will not be allowed to use the computer without supervision (and that if he deletes the history you will assume he was viewing porn and he'll get the same consequence).

If it were me, I'd certainly initiate a conversation about the kinds of porn that exist and how I am more uncomfortable with some kinds than others.

I agree. I did seek out porn when I was about 14. My best friend and I took guitar lessons at this practically empty shopping center. One of the only stores was a used book store, and after lessons we'd spend our time going through the old Playgirl Magazines. I don't think it was harmful at all to me.

If I had the internet at the time I'm sure I would have checked stuff out there too.

My one worry about the internet is just all the crap that ends up being accidentally downloaded.

But on the other hand, I think that if a parent says that it's ok, it takes a lot of the fun out of it. Whether that's good or bad is not for me to say.


I think what I would do (and this will surely differ widely by family) is wait to see if it becomes a pattern. One benefit of not calling kids on their internet behavior is that you can watch for a while and see what happens and get some insight. If you play your hand too quickly, a smart kid can just become more sneaky. If it's a very rare occurrence, i think I'd just let it go. If it was very frequent I'd say something (because it can become an obsession, which is creepy.) If what he was looking at was more than garden variety porn I'd talk to him.

I really can't see myself laying down the law as in "porn is bad. don't do it." The reason is that I think it's totally normal to want to view this kind of thing, especially as a teen. I personally wouldn't want to shame him about it. I'd rather take a "watchful waiting" tactic, and then, if I see a problem, have discussions.

I might initiate a discussion of porn (and what the possible dangers are) but I'd find some other opening (ugh, I'm not making a pun!) rather than the kid's internet viewing.

[jerzymama]

15 year old boy.
What would you do what would you say?
It was found on the computer history.
My feelings on this is that it is nunacceptable because he is 15 and because it is my computer and he is allowed to visit websites but he knows this would be not allowed as he deleted the history the one night and I got suspisus and asked him why and he didn't delete the next night so when I checked this is what I found.

What would you do and what would you say?
It was normal variety porn but I still am shocked.

So on the one hand, it sounds like he is looking for some acknowledgement that he is becoming an adult - which is true.

If it was me - I'd take the opportunity to have a conversation with him about pornography - and get into it with him and have an adult discussion explaining your feelings about being a woman, if it offends you, etc and give him room to explain his perceptions as well. Even if you've had this conversation before when he was younger - as a 15 yo, he's different and might have different questions or perspective, yk?

We had a thread here a few months ago - I believe it was started by macquinha/Kathy (?) who found her son - although a bit younger - with magazines, it was very interesting and there was a link to a good sex information for teens website - I dont recall the name offhand.

I would try very hard not to overreact - interest in porn for 15 yo boys is IMO completely normal and expected. That said, you have every right to set a boundary in your home with what is and isn't offensive. If you find porn offensive, I think you can make the point, that it feels very disrespectful to you for him to view it in your home, on your computer - but I think this will be much more effective if you first have an honest conversation about "What is Porn".

And this might sound really underhanded but my guess is if either a) erasing his history or b) leaving it up with the porn sites visible generates a conversation with his mother about the "Meaning of Porn" - he'll be much much much less likely to view it at home on your computer again. Because I'm sure it's a conversation a 15 yo boy only wants to have *once*. :)

[mirage1]

...

And this might sound really underhanded but my guess is if either a) erasing his history or b) leaving it up with the porn sites visible generates a conversation with his mother about the "Meaning of Porn" - he'll be much much much less likely to view it at home on your computer again. Because I'm sure it's a conversation a 15 yo boy only wants to have *once*. :)LOL!! Good point.

[jump4joy]

I would have two separate issues with this:

Issue #1: Porn on my computer = dangerous to my computer. Porn sites are notorious for worms, viruses, and popups that you can't get rid of. People have had to reinstall their entire operating system to rid themselves of the crap generated on porn sites. Additionally, the popups might come up when younger family members or friends are on the computer. For this reason, my rule will be "no porn on my computer ever", and violaters will lose their computer privileges. This is not really different from my other computer rules. Mackenzie knows not to go to McAfee-unfriendly sites and not to click on popups of any kind. His friend is currently suffering from a rash of viruses and popups by going to illegal downloading sites, so he knows he doesn't want that on our computers and why.

Issue #2: Looking at pornography. I would probably acknowledge his desire to look at porn and tell him about the magazines available, as well as other books/erotic literature/manga, etc. Basically, I'd use this as an opportunity for discussion about erotica, porn, boundaries, body image, etc. I would not necessarily be shocked or opposed if a teen wanted to look at porn or was curious about it, but I would separate this out from issue #1.

[indigo]

I would have two separate issues with this:

Issue #1: Porn on my computer = dangerous to my computer. Porn sites are notorious for worms, viruses, and popups that you can't get rid of. People have had to reinstall their entire operating system to rid themselves of the crap generated on porn sites. Additionally, the popups might come up when younger family members or friends are on the computer. For this reason, my rule will be "no porn on my computer ever", and violaters will lose their computer privileges. This is not really different from my other computer rules. Mackenzie knows not to go to McAfee-unfriendly sites and not to click on popups of any kind. His friend is currently suffering from a rash of viruses and popups by going to illegal downloading sites, so he knows he doesn't want that on our computers and why.

Issue #2: Looking at pornography. I would probably acknowledge his desire to look at porn and tell him about the magazines available, as well as other books/erotic literature/manga, etc. Basically, I'd use this as an opportunity for discussion about erotica, porn, boundaries, body image, etc. I would not necessarily be shocked or opposed if a teen wanted to look at porn or was curious about it, but I would separate this out from issue #1.

Yup, your #1 was my concern as well.

[deeka]

15 year old boy.
What would you do what would you say?
It was found on the computer history.
My feelings on this is that it is nunacceptable because he is 15 and because it is my computer and he is allowed to visit websites but he knows this would be not allowed as he deleted the history the one night and I got suspisus and asked him why and he didn't delete the next night so when I checked this is what I found.

What would you do and what would you say?
It was normal variety porn but I still am shocked.

I'm not sure what I would do, but I wouldn't be at all shocked, personally. I think it is quite normal for teenage boys to be interested in naked women.

But I do want to say that I think differently about on-line porn than I do about mainstream porn magazines (which was pretty much the only thing available to most teens when I was a kid). There is some really scary, ugly, and bizarre stuff on the internet. Do the right (or wrong) search, and your 15-year-old can land on a website that features rape, mutilation, children, animals, you name it. Years ago, I stumbled upon one of these websites and was HORRIFIED. Although I quickly closed the page, the images I saw in those few seconds were absolutely burned on my retina and bothered me for a long time. I would not want my kids to exposed to this kind of garbage.

[MorgnsGrl]

Issue #1: Porn on my computer = dangerous to my computer. Porn sites are notorious for worms, viruses, and popups that you can't get rid of. People have had to reinstall their entire operating system to rid themselves of the crap generated on porn sites. Additionally, the popups might come up when younger family members or friends are on the computer. For this reason, my rule will be "no porn on my computer ever", and violaters will lose their computer privileges. This is not really different from my other computer rules. Mackenzie knows not to go to McAfee-unfriendly sites and not to click on popups of any kind. His friend is currently suffering from a rash of viruses and popups by going to illegal downloading sites, so he knows he doesn't want that on our computers and why.

This is a totally valid concern that wouldn't have occurred to me because we have Macs and don't experience these problems. Also, DS uses an older computer that is "his" and has no younger siblings, so for our family it's not an issue.

[MorgnsGrl]

Talk to me when my son is older and actually looking. :bag:

Ha ha ha!!! I know! It's easy to be casual about it when your own kids are still too young to be interested.

[gfrach]

Yes, this and online there is access to webcams, too. And while I'd think it normal for my kid to want to see naked women, etc., I'd not want him watching a webcam or see any of the sites that deeka mentions.

I agree also about the dangers of worms and such from those sites and about not wanting it on the history of my computer so that no one else at home accidentally stumbled across it.

My big thing would be talking to him about how porn is exploitative of both men and women. I might introduce him to stories and art that would be acceptable and then leave it to him from there. (C's dad at that age would probably happily get him a Playboy, which I'd rather he didn't but there's only so much control you really have.)

[Vicky]

15 year old boy.
What would you do what would you say?
It was found on the computer history.
My feelings on this is that it is nunacceptable because he is 15 and because it is my computer and he is allowed to visit websites but he knows this would be not allowed as he deleted the history the one night and I got suspisus and asked him why and he didn't delete the next night so when I checked this is what I found.

What would you do and what would you say?
It was normal variety porn but I still am shocked.

However, I also share the concerns that Robin/Jump4joy and others mention about viruses, pop-ups and worms.

You don't know, though, how he even got onto that site. I have been on some random site before and accidentally clicked on an ad which directed me to a porn site. I immediately closed the window, but a search of my history would show that I had visited that site. Maybe he followed a link a friend sent him, not knowing what it was. It is certainly likely that he did a search for sex related sites, out of curiosity, as well.

I think a discussion about porn in general is warranted. It's important not to be accusatory or even mention the fact that you suspect that he has been visiting porn sites. If you bring it up in a general way it will allow him to save face and not feel defensive, but he will still know that you suspect. If he doesn't feel that he has to defend himself then he will be more likely to open up and to listen to what you have to say with an open mind.

George and I have discussed porn before. He has a very romantic frame of mind regarding women as well as an abiding respect for them and sees porn as very degrading and offensive. Still, I am sure that if a friend had a Playboy or Penthouse magazine he would look - it would be human nature. I don't think I would be surprised or offended if I found that out, though George might feel ashamed of himself for not being true to his ideals. He tends to be very idealistic in general, though.

[aleutsi]

I would have two separate issues with this:

Issue #1: Porn on my computer = dangerous to my computer. Porn sites are notorious for worms, viruses, and popups that you can't get rid of. People have had to reinstall their entire operating system to rid themselves of the crap generated on porn sites. Additionally, the popups might come up when younger family members or friends are on the computer. For this reason, my rule will be "no porn on my computer ever", and violaters will lose their computer privileges. This is not really different from my other computer rules. Mackenzie knows not to go to McAfee-unfriendly sites and not to click on popups of any kind. His friend is currently suffering from a rash of viruses and popups by going to illegal downloading sites, so he knows he doesn't want that on our computers and why.

Issue #2: Looking at pornography. I would probably acknowledge his desire to look at porn and tell him about the magazines available, as well as other books/erotic literature/manga, etc. Basically, I'd use this as an opportunity for discussion about erotica, porn, boundaries, body image, etc. I would not necessarily be shocked or opposed if a teen wanted to look at porn or was curious about it, but I would separate this out from issue #1.

This is how I would handle it as well. We've actually had a porn infestation on one of our computers (we didn't have a firewall and hooked up to a DSL line in CA - we didn't even go to a porn site, they found our lack of a firewall all on their own). It was a mess, we had to ban the kids from the computer room while we delt with it, LOL! And months later we even found images saved to our HD under the name of the worm or whatever it was that infested us the first time. We had no idea something could take over our computer like that and, all on it's own, download images! Crazy!

Also, I would use this opportunity to matter of factly talk about porn and what it entails... to share my values/beliefs on the topic (actually this would be a resharing because we've already gone over this). Basically, I would do what I would normally do when age appropriate (mis)behavior comes up at any age. I wouldn't encourage the viewing of porn. But I would say "it's normal to want to look at it, here's what it's about, here's what it can lead to, I don't condone it, here's why I don't condone it, NEVER in my house/on my computer.. ball's in your court".

We had a similar issue with our new cable channels. I had no idea that we were getting rated R movies! We have basic digital cable, no premium channels, but evidently some of our included channels show rated R movies uninterupted, no commercials. :dunno:

So anyway, I came into the living room one afternoon and 17yo DD was watching a movie and it was F this F that, violence out the wahzoo... We studied the manual and set up parent controls that day. DD was a little upset because she's 17 and of legal age to view rated R movies. But I had to pull the Not In My House Rule... her sibs are not 17 - and her dad and I don't watch movies like that especially around kids (I don't really watch rated R at all, I just can't handle the violence and I don't enjoy the sex - yeah, I'm weird, LOL). I said she can see such movies at the theater, but not in the house. She's getting over it.

[anastasia]

I would have two separate issues with this:

Issue #1: Porn on my computer = dangerous to my computer. Porn sites are notorious for worms, viruses, and popups that you can't get rid of. People have had to reinstall their entire operating system to rid themselves of the crap generated on porn sites. Additionally, the popups might come up when younger family members or friends are on the computer. For this reason, my rule will be "no porn on my computer ever", and violaters will lose their computer privileges. This is not really different from my other computer rules. Mackenzie knows not to go to McAfee-unfriendly sites and not to click on popups of any kind. His friend is currently suffering from a rash of viruses and popups by going to illegal downloading sites, so he knows he doesn't want that on our computers and why.

Issue #2: Looking at pornography. I would probably acknowledge his desire to look at porn and tell him about the magazines available, as well as other books/erotic literature/manga, etc. Basically, I'd use this as an opportunity for discussion about erotica, porn, boundaries, body image, etc. I would not necessarily be shocked or opposed if a teen wanted to look at porn or was curious about it, but I would separate this out from issue #1.

I'll sit here. Kids looking at porn doesn't freak me out, but they need to find it the old-fashioned way. ;-) I'd also want to discuss it with them—the body image and respect issues and also to make sure they know that porn is pure fantasy and does not depict realistic sex.

[Kari]

What would you do and what would you say?
It was normal variety porn but I still am shocked.

I would say "Do not EVER view porn on my computer. Period. End of story."

I have major hot button issues regarding porn and any time I have inadvertently stumbled across porn (in any fashion - magazine, TV, etc.) it is traumatic for *me*.

As was mentioned above, I would separate the matter of "is it normal to want to look at porn" (probably) vs. "is it okay to look at porn on Kari's computer" (no way in hell - not ever).

I would also explain that some people tend to have very strong feelings about porn - that it can exploit the participants, that it can resurrect harmful memories of past events, etc. etc.

You know what, though, after thinking about it for a minute & re-reading some of the posts in this thread, I wonder if different people have different definitions of "porn". I don't consider Playboy magazine to be porn. I still wouldn't want it in my house, but I don't even think it's in the same category as what I consider to be "porn". (Shudder)

[~PQ]

Normal and not acceptable. Just like when he used to throw food when he was a toddler or yank playmates hair in preschool.

For us, it'd just mean a break from the computer with an explaination about inappropriate use of it, and then we'd move on. it wouldn't be a huge deal but it also wouldn't be ignored.

[Sarah]

You know what, though, after thinking about it for a minute & re-reading some of the posts in this thread, I wonder if different people have different definitions of "porn". I don't consider Playboy magazine to be porn. I still wouldn't want it in my house, but I don't even think it's in the same category as what I consider to be "porn". (Shudder)

I think this is very true -- it's such a huge umbrella term that it could mean anything. I would have far more issues with hardcore exploitive images than something along the lines of Playboy pictures, which for me fall into the 'normal' category.

[Kari]

I think this is very true -- it's such a huge umbrella term that it could mean anything. I would have far more issues with hardcore exploitive images than something along the lines of Playboy pictures, which for me fall into the 'normal' category.

I haven't seen a Playboy magazine in probably....well, maybe close to 20 years? But from what I remember, the pictures aren't much more suggestive than what I see on the covers of magazines like FHM or Maxim these days.

(ETA: Which, again, I don't care for in any case, but certainly don't consider porn.)

[Rosemary]

Normal and not acceptable. Just like when he used to throw food when he was a toddler or yank playmates hair in preschool.

For us, it'd just mean a break from the computer with an explaination about inappropriate use of it, and then we'd move on. it wouldn't be a huge deal but it also wouldn't be ignored.
Right. I think I sit most with whoever said the issues with the computer. Having been hacked once, it's not something I want to happen again. I don't really like internet porn and don't really want anyone viewing it on my computer.