Would you teach your kid the facts of life if he didn't directly ask?

[Pensive]

Both my kids know that a baby is made when a man gives sperm to a woman and it joins with her egg. They also know that the sperm comes out of the penis. I've been very open about this since I was pregnant with Tommy (when Ben was 2?). Over time, they've forgotten and it comes up again in conversation and it's like a gradual thing for them. They find it fascinating and that's about it. They both have wished that they were girls so that they could grow babies but they are both happy about the idea of helping make the baby someday--in terms of possessing the right sort of cells that makes a baby.

No one has ever asked HOW the sperm gets inside the woman. Today, Ben said that he didn't know how to make a baby and that he hoped he would learn when he got older. Maybe someone would have to teach him how to do it, he said. :rofl:

I'm considering just getting one of those "how was I made?" books and just telling them that the Daddy puts his penis inside the Mama and that it's a nice loving thing that grown-ups do. I just don't know if anyone will ever actually ask and it seems like now is a nice age to teach this concept because they are too young to feel embarrassed. We've looked at childbirth books before btw and they have seen graphic pictures of babies being born. I'm just thinking I could get one of those cartoon books designed for small people that explain the act of sex. Do you think that's Ok, even though they haven't actually asked? I just rather take the initiative while they are still young, not embarrassed and very accepting of facts.

My personal background is this. I don't have any brothers and my Mom (who was raised in a very old-fashioned Old World Catholic culture) really sheltered my sister and me. We were sort of taught that many things were dirty that weren't really dirty. And we were so sheltered that it never occurred to us to ask these things. I remember watching the Love Boat when we were little and the word "virgin" was used. We asked what that meant, my mother looked really embarrassed and muttered that we should look it up in the dictionary. When we did attempt to get the dictionary, she blocked the drawer. This was how it was with us. My sister found a revealing line in a Girl Scout guide to menstruation and we were absolutely gobsmacked to learn how babies were made. I cried because I thought it was horrible and disgusting; my sister giggled. I think I was like 11.

Since then, I've had a heart to heart with my mother and I really feel for her because she has all this baggage with the way she was raised and it's really not her fault. I feel badly that she has gone through life with such thoughts about sexuality. Somehow, I came out of this with no baggage and I'm your typical modern woman and Mom; nothing phases me. But it was SO hard growing up; it was very very traumatic.

So, you see my issue. I don't want my kids to find out about sex at 11 and cry over the thought of it. I want them to learn such things in a very fact-of-the-matter way with no emotional baggage and hangups. I am totally prepared to teach them this. My bad experience made me feel like I'm more than strong enough to do this and I'm very happy that I am able to teach my kids the facts of life without feeling weird about it. But it WOULD be easier to just teach them now before they get self-aware and embarrassed. And then it would just be something that they've known for years. And when they're pre-teens, we could talk more about coming-of-age details; it won't be like a bombshell like it happened to me.

So, what do you think? Do you think it's fine to just get a child's book on how babies are actually made and just teach them now? If I wait for them to ask, I'm not sure that they'll ever actually ask, at least not Ben. A YAAPster recently described her son as "living in a Care Bear's universe". That is totally Ben. He IS a Care Bear. And I was very much the same way, always very unworldly and naive. I'm not sure if he'll ever ask. If I take the initiative and just tell them, I think they would see it in a "huh, cool" way and that would be it.

Thoughts?

[aleutsi]

Both my kids know that a baby is made when a man gives sperm to a woman and it joins with her egg. They also know that the sperm comes out of the penis. I've been very open about this since I was pregnant with Tommy (when Ben was 2?). Over time, they've forgotten and it comes up again in conversation and it's like a gradual thing for them. They find it fascinating and that's about it. They both have wished that they were girls so that they could grow babies but they are both happy about the idea of helping make the baby someday--in terms of possessing the right sort of cells that makes a baby.

No one has ever asked HOW the sperm gets inside the woman. Today, Ben said that he didn't know how to make a baby and that he hoped he would learn when he got older. Maybe someone would have to teach him how to do it, he said. :rofl:

I'm considering just getting one of those "how was I made?" books and just telling them that the Daddy puts his penis inside the Mama and that it's a nice loving thing that grown-ups do. I just don't know if anyone will ever actually ask and it seems like now is a nice age to teach this concept because they are too young to feel embarrassed. We've looked at childbirth books before btw and they have seen graphic pictures of babies being born. I'm just thinking I could get one of those cartoon books designed for small people that explain the act of sex. Do you think that's Ok, even though they haven't actually asked? I just rather take the initiative while they are still young, not embarrassed and very accepting of facts.

My personal background is this. I don't have any brothers and my Mom (who was raised in a very old-fashioned Old World Catholic culture) really sheltered my sister and me. We were sort of taught that many things were dirty that weren't really dirty. And we were so sheltered that it never occurred to us to ask these things. I remember watching the Love Boat when we were little and the word "virgin" was used. We asked what that meant, my mother looked really embarrassed and muttered that we should look it up in the dictionary. When we did attempt to get the dictionary, she blocked the drawer. This was how it was with us. My sister found a revealing line in a Girl Scout guide to menstruation and we were absolutely gobsmacked to learn how babies were made. I cried because I thought it was horrible and disgusting; my sister giggled. I think I was like 11.

Since then, I've had a heart to heart with my mother and I really feel for her because she has all this baggage with the way she was raised and it's really not her fault. I feel badly that she has gone through life with such thoughts about sexuality. Somehow, I came out of this with no baggage and I'm your typical modern woman and Mom; nothing phases me. But it was SO hard growing up; it was very very traumatic.

So, you see my issue. I don't want my kids to find out about sex at 11 and cry over the thought of it. I want them to learn such things in a very fact-of-the-matter way with no emotional baggage and hangups. I am totally prepared to teach them this. My bad experience made me feel like I'm more than strong enough to do this and I'm very happy that I am able to teach my kids the facts of life without feeling weird about it. But it WOULD be easier to just teach them now before they get self-aware and embarrassed. And then it would just be something that they've known for years. And when they're pre-teens, we could talk more about coming-of-age details; it won't be like a bombshell like it happened to me.

So, what do you think? Do you think it's fine to just get a child's book on how babies are actually made and just teach them now? If I wait for them to ask, I'm not sure that they'll ever actually ask, at least not Ben. A YAAPster recently described her son as "living in a Care Bear's universe". That is totally Ben. He IS a Care Bear. And I was very much the same way, always very unworldly and naive. I'm not sure if he'll ever ask. If I take the initiative and just tell them, I think they would see it in a "huh, cool" way and that would be it.

Thoughts?


I think that you know your children best and if you think it would be good for them, then it will be!

I honestly don't remember when I found out the technical details. I think I absorbed bits of information flying through the air and put it all together. When we had the class in 6th (8th?) grade it filled in some gaps, but it didn't seem like a bombshell.

My brother was around 8 or 9 when I told him... we were on the roof chatting and the conversation went to the toilet (as it seemed it always did with my 9ish yo brother, LOL) and he made the finger in the hole gesture kids used to use as a symbol of "sex" and said he'd like to do that with a girl from his class (he was NOT having sex at that age... it was "boy talk" said to make other people giggle) and I thought to myself "OH, he KNOWS!" and said something about it making a baby, thinking he knew all of that. He was SHOCKED! "THAT'S how babies are made?????" He was floored.. and of course ran to my parents to see if it were really true. And of course, I got scolded for telling him. :eyes: Well, mom & dad, he knew MOST of it... just not that one tiny VERY IMPORTANT detail that sex will make a baby!

My bigs were just out of the toddler years when they heard about it. I was listening to talk radio and couldn't get to the volume in time before some talk radio lady blabbed to a caller "Well, surely she knows that a penis goes into the vagina and makes a baby" or something like that. That took care of THAT! I did get them a book later, that explained it in more detail (The Wonderful Way Babies Are Made - it's very christian oriented) - But they both say they feel like they've always known.

My youngest just found out recently at 9yrs old. She knew bits and pieces. She knew sex was something people did together - smoochy, lovey stuff, but she didn't know the details. I read the above mentioned book to her and she was fascinated. She was only embarrassed once... when the book revealed how the penis fits into the vagina, she lowered her head and giggled quietly - she turned RED. I said "Everything Ok?" and she said "Yes." and through tight lips, trying to not break out in laughter said "Continue."

After the story, I told her this was private knowledge and not to be talked about with her friends because they may not know yet and it's best to learn these things from you parents. She said "Don't worry, I wont EVER talk about THAT with my friends." LOL! Yeah, tell me that again when you're 16!

But while she seemed embarrassed during that one part. Overall, I think it was a good experience for her. She doesn't seem traumatized by it at all, it wasn't a bad embarrassment, if that makes sense. She still felt free to talk with me and came to me that day and over the next few days with a few little questions. I like that when she's curious she can come to me with questions. Some kids are just going to find some things embarrassing, but if they feel comfy talking to you through that embarassment, then I think it's not a horrible thing.

[azul99]

because at your boys' ages, they do not know that this is something that most people are embarrassed about, so they will freely ask questions and take information in. With DS1, now 10, I didn't grab the opportunity at certain times that I could have (e.g. your Ben's comment about "someone will have to show me"), and I deeply regret that. I think that the turning point for him was around 8.5 or 9yo, i.e., that was the time when he began to realize that other people don't talk about this/that it's not public material.

With DS2, who brought up the questions around the same age as your Ben, I was more opportunistic (lol) and went ahead and bought the book, "Where Did I Come From?", and read it to him. (I think he was 6 at the time.) I had a hard time reading some of the description of intercourse, but I forged ahead through my embarrassment. He found it very interesting and asked some good questions and was very obviously not embarrassed.

I then went ahead and read the same book to Paul (@10yo), who was clearly embarrassed, but interested.

If I could turn the clock back, I would catch Paul at that right age (i.e. IMO right age) and read the book and have some conversations. I do what I can to keep things in the open with both of them, e.g. when it comes up naturally.

Those are my two cents.

[Artemis]

I think it is fine to teach it in an age appropriate way now. I have one that asked and asked...by the time she was four she had asked exactly how does the sperm get to the egg to make the baby, so I told her and it was matter-of-fact. Now however, she has begun asking much more painful questions to answer regarding her own conception and that has been difficult, but a necessary conversation, none-the-less. :-( I do think it was better she learn about it now then latter or from someone else. She is so strong right now in her self-esteem and I am actually glad she was persistent in asking questions about it. I was sad I couldn't tell her it was some sort of fun or loving thing that happened, but SHE is separate from that and SHE was the gift and blessing that came out of that situation, so I emphasize waht is true for me...my JOY of having her and getting such a wonderful surprise baby/girl.

If you want, there is a great book about how to navagate sexuality with kids. I highly recommend it. I've read the first edition, but this second one just came out and looks fabulous as well. :-)

http://www.amazon.com/Diapers-Dating-Parents-Sexually-Children/dp/155704810X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213631861&sr=8-1


And this one is fabulous for kids!
http://www.amazon.com/Its-So-Amazing-Babies-Families/dp/0763613215/ref=pd_sim_b_title_1

The first review is accurate...it is very scientific, friendly to alternatives, and a huge book.

[gfrach]

C has never asked at all. I've gotten him various library books about it over the years and we do talk about it occasionally.

(My mother never told me how babies were made either. I found out in middle school, I think. But she could never bring herself to even talk about it. I swore that was a mistake I wasn't making!)

[Pensive]

Thank you so much for chatting with me about this. I really appreciated your replies. I think I will go ahead and find a good book. Thank you for the book recs! I mentioned to Ben that I could get a book for us to read that would explain how exactly babies were made, since he mentioned someone would have to show him. He seemed very interested. Tommy is probably just along for the ride, but that's probably good. And we will definitely emphasize that this is not info to share with others and why that is. We had a similar talk about Santa (we don't do Santa) and why it was impt to not tell other kids there is no Santa. I think they will be good at keeping the info to themselves.

As a funny aside, we got a book last year that explained how babies grow inside the mother and how they're born. I think it was a Sheila Kitzinger book. Anyway, there was an excerpt about how the sperm comes from the father's testicles behind his penis (I think those were the exact words). When I read that, Ben was all "how cool" in his funny old professor way. And Tommy just burst out laughing, like giggling like a teenager. It was so funny. And it goes to show how kids can be so different in terms of how they process things. Anyway, we will forge ahead and read some stuff together. I feel much better now.

[indigo]

because at your boys' ages, they do not know that this is something that most people are embarrassed about, so they will freely ask questions and take information in. With DS1, now 10, I didn't grab the opportunity at certain times that I could have (e.g. your Ben's comment about "someone will have to show me"), and I deeply regret that. I think that the turning point for him was around 8.5 or 9yo, i.e., that was the time when he began to realize that other people don't talk about this/that it's not public material.

With DS2, who brought up the questions around the same age as your Ben, I was more opportunistic (lol) and went ahead and bought the book, "Where Did I Come From?", and read it to him. (I think he was 6 at the time.) I had a hard time reading some of the description of intercourse, but I forged ahead through my embarrassment. He found it very interesting and asked some good questions and was very obviously not embarrassed.

I then went ahead and read the same book to Paul (@10yo), who was clearly embarrassed, but interested.

If I could turn the clock back, I would catch Paul at that right age (i.e. IMO right age) and read the book and have some conversations. I do what I can to keep things in the open with both of them, e.g. when it comes up naturally.

Those are my two cents.

I agree. My mom read me and my brother a book on the topic when we were 5 and 6 years old. It was fine. Not embarrassing, at least for me. And it was knowledge that I always had. My kids did ask around age 5 and I told them. We followed up over the years too, with more info as needed.

I personally think that it's knowledge that is usually better learned young for just the reason said here. It's not embarrassing at that point. The kids who learned when they were older than 9 seemed pretty uncomfortable with the information at first and I think it's because if they are in adolescence it's hard to not personalized the information. But little kids can just take it in like any other little fact. No biggie.

The only thing: don't expect that he'll necessarily remember! Just put the book in with his other books and then he will come across it again.

I know that a lot of parents prefer to wait until kids are older, but for me anyway younger is so much better for this topic. It just doesn't turn into a big deal that way. You never have to worry that he's getting wonky information from somewhere either. You do have to worry about him spilling the beans to other kids. I told my kids, "This is just like Santa Claus. You know, but you don't tell."

[indigo]

And we will definitely emphasize that this is not info to share with others and why that is. We had a similar talk about Santa (we don't do Santa) and why it was impt to not tell other kids there is no Santa. I think they will be good at keeping the info to themselves.

.

I swear I didn't you see you use the Santa Claus example before I posted! How funny!

[Pensive]

I thought the same thing when I read your reply after I posted mine. Great minds think alike.

[Rosemary]

I agree. My mom read me and my brother a book on the topic when we were 5 and 6 years old. It was fine. Not embarrassing, at least for me. And it was knowledge that I always had. My kids did ask around age 5 and I told them. We followed up over the years too, with more info as needed.

I personally think that it's knowledge that is usually better learned young for just the reason said here. It's not embarrassing at that point. The kids who learned when they were older than 9 seemed pretty uncomfortable with the information at first and I think it's because if they are in adolescence it's hard to not personalized the information. But little kids can just take it in like any other little fact. No biggie.

The only thing: don't expect that he'll necessarily remember! Just put the book in with his other books and then he will come across it again.

I know that a lot of parents prefer to wait until kids are older, but for me anyway younger is so much better for this topic. It just doesn't turn into a big deal that way. You never have to worry that he's getting wonky information from somewhere either. You do have to worry about him spilling the beans to other kids. I told my kids, "This is just like Santa Claus. You know, but you don't tell."
I was just going to touch on what you said. I have told each one of my children very straightforward info on varying things - and they lost the information. Abby used to be mesmorized by my period. I very matter of factly explained it all to her, she knew what I used to help myself with it during the month (tampons etc.) and she has retained none of it.

[mirage1]

I haven't read any of the other replies but I would say yes, definitely tell them regardless of whether they're asking or not. There are lots of things we tell kids before they ask, and this is important enough to just talk about the same way you might tell them any other facts about nature.

[shannon]

In my mind, it's something they need to know about whether they're asking questions or not. With my particular kids, there's been an ongoing insistence that I stop talking about it at a certain point, but that certain point has shifted as they get desensitized to the information. :) J especially would rather just focus on the "science" of the sperm and egg, and doesn't want to figure out the "lovey" stuff. :P He's obviously making the connections, and has a rudimentary understanding of how one fits into the other to facilitate fertilization, but he's a lot more comfortable with the idea of it happening in a petri dish (which is discussed in It's So Amazing, which Brenda posted. Another really nice thing about that book in particular is the fact that it's inclusive of gay parents, single parents, and parents with disabilities. Ben may not like it as much, because the illustrations aren't scientific and realistic, but then again, he might like it a lot. :)There's are younger and older versions of this book - this one targets 7-11 year olds. All three are fantastic. The other two titles are It's Not the Stork! and It's Perfectly Normal!.

[lisabelle]

I've been thinking about having "the conversation" with Matt. From what I've gathered, he and his friends are starting to talk about it (wondering how it works) and I really don't want him to get any misinformation. So far he knows that sperm from a man + egg from a woman = baby. He knows that sperm comes from the man's penis and are stored in his testicles, and that babies develop in a woman's uterus and are born through a woman's vagina. He knows that when a woman bleeds once a month she's shedding the "nest" she builds every month for a baby and that if she bleeds it means she has no baby growing in her uterus. So really, it's just the mechanics of sex that he doesn't know along with the changes boys' and girls' bodies go through as they grow up.