How do I let this go? (ex-boyfriend related)

[Sensitive Topic]

I am married. I have been for around ten years. I have kids. I am fairly content in life- some marital issues but all in all not too bad. But, lately I am obsessing over my ex-boyfriend from about 13 years ago.

He is the guy that I never really let go. I think of him somewhat regularly and often when I am masturbating. This is going to sound so crude, but he had the best "equipment" of any guy that I have ever been with. Markedly enough that he often pops in to my head without my consent(you know what I mean) when I am orgasming. I really think that sexually we were so perfect.

Okay, here is the problem. He has moved back to our town and I ran in to him recently. Since then, I think about him a LOT..even in dreams. This is not good. He is like crack to me. Before DH and I were married, but when we were dating, I hooked up with ex-bf one night and we had sex. That night we talked about getting back together, but I did not want to bc I had a child with my now DH and did not want to complicate matters(I know... sex did that), so we parted that night and have not seen each other since. Truthfully, I think that I would be far 'happier' with my ex than I am with DH. I am mostly content with DH, but not really happy. We do not mesh well and do not compliment each other. It was just the opposite with the ex. So, now I am having lots of 'leaving' thoughts. I know I shouldn't, I almost certainly will not, but how do I stop thinking about it?

Incidentally, my ex and I broke up because I was leaving for college and wanted to leave without strings(I traveled quite far to school)so we agreed to lay low for a few months(him not moving yet)until I settled in. We had not been together long, but we were so....perfect. Exactly two weeks after I left I was raped. That changed everything for me. I could not have a relationship like that at that point, so I just broke it off with him...with no explanation and very coldly. He tried to contact me numerous times, even contacted my parents, but by the time I could talk to him without feeling ashamed, I had met DH and we began dating. I always thought I would date DH to help me get over my negative feelings about sex/relationships/love from the rape and then I would get back together with my ex. Then, 2 months after getting with DH I got pregnant. Dropped out of school, had a baby, never contacted my ex until the night we hooked up and had sex. I know he still loved me then, and I loved him. And when I saw him the other day, I felt that same familiar urge to feel his hand around my waist and my head on his shoulder.

Ugh. Just ugh. I do love him. I probably always will. But I know(really I do) that I should not even be thinking about him like this. This is a dangerous path. I am married, I have kids. He has a girlfriend and a daughter. But, honestly, I know that if given the chance we would hook up. When we ran in to each other, he got a little teary-eyed and said, "_______, it is so good to see you. You are still so beautiful, more beautiful than I remembered. I think about you so often and still laugh with you and love on you in my dreams." I gave him a quick hug and said that I hoped that he was happy, that I really wished that for him. He then said that he was as happy as he could ever be without me and that he would always love me and never understand why we were not together. I know it sounds so corny, SO CORNY, but that is how I feel. It sounds so dramatic and player-like, but it is actually genuine. So, now what?

What do I do? I know that this is a slippery slope. How do I let it go? Let him go? And why don't I want to? :sob: What do I do? FWIW, we live in a pretty small town. We will certainly run in to each other from time to time. Help me figure this out.

[Amanda_Reyasmom]

I am married.


ST,

I am so sorry that the one who "got away" is all the sudden there. That must be a horrible thing to try to face. It doesn't sound like you're looking to throw 10 years of marriage out the window for this man. I hope you can find peace knowing he's near.

[Jill]

I am married. I have been for around ten years. I have kids. I am fairly content in life- some marital issues but all in all not too bad. But, lately I am obsessing over my ex-boyfriend from about 13 years ago......

...What do I do? I know that this is a slippery slope. How do I let it go? Let him go? And why don't I want to? :sob: What do I do? FWIW, we live in a pretty small town. We will certainly run in to each other from time to time. Help me figure this out.

First, {{{{HUGS}}}}, I am sorry that you have these conflicting feelings, I'm sure it's difficult for you to deal with.
OK.
What do you do? You do NOTHING. NOTHING. You are married, you have a child/children, and IMO it would be a terrible mistake to risk losing it all for what might have been. What might have been is just as uncertain as what will oneday be, yk? No marriage is great all the time - no relationship ever is, once you get past the initial honeymoon phase. It sounds like you never did get past that and I can understand why it might look in hindsight like you were better for eachother. You might not have the same issues if you were married to him as you have with your dh, but you certainly will have issues, just different ones. FOR SURE.
Please, please, do not put your family security in danger by entertaining thoughts of hooking up - try to put it out of your mind, and if you need to, seek counseling to find ways to make your marriage and your life more fulfilling for you so that this kind of thing won't be a threat to you anymore.

[Nancy]

First, {{{{HUGS}}}}, I am sorry that you have these conflicting feelings, I'm sure it's difficult for you to deal with.
OK.
What do you do? You do NOTHING. NOTHING. You are married, you have a child/children, and IMO it would be a terrible mistake to risk losing it all for what might have been. What might have been is just as uncertain as what will oneday be, yk? No marriage is great all the time - no relationship ever is, once you get past the initial honeymoon phase. It sounds like you never did get past that and I can understand why it might look in hindsight like you were better for eachother. You might not have the same issues if you were married to him as you have with your dh, but you certainly will have issues, just different ones. FOR SURE.
Please, please, do not put your family security in danger by entertaining thoughts of hooking up - try to put it out of your mind, and if you need to, seek counseling to find ways to make your marriage and your life more fulfilling for you so that this kind of thing won't be a threat to you anymore.


Ditto Jill, this was exactly my initial reaction as well, that while it may appear that life would be rosy with the ex, in all reality he has faults and problems that would make life less than perfect as well. It's really easy to spin a perfect life based upon good memories, but reality is much different.

Stay away from him, get counseling, do not contact him. Pour your heart and energy into the family you have.

[jump4joy]

I SO agree with Jill here. I married the right one, the one I was passionate about, the one who was perfect. And ya know, we have issues. Sometimes big issues. Marriage is never easy. Once the honeymoon phase is over, it's often work, plain hard work. And my perfect man leaves his coffee grounds in the sink or scratches his whatever too loudly and drives me nuts and wow it's great to fantasize about someone else who would be so much more perfect. But they wouldn't be.

ST, I think you know in your heart what the right thing to do is. Put your love, focus, and energy toward the family you do have, not the fantasy family that will never exist.

[~PQ]

Do nothing. Stop fantasizing about him, whenever he pops into your head during fantasy play think about England instead, or anything, but him. I also find his comments to you REALLY inappropriate, its obvious they flattered you but honestly out the shoe on the other foot and imagine a sexy woman saying such things to your husband.

This isn't prince charming hun, or he never ever would have said such a thing- not when he has his own committed relationship and child and knows you do too. That's not love or anything special, thats just a man on the prowl for a piece of ass. I know that sounds cold, but I truly believe NO man would try to speak a womans love language to her unless he wanted to woo her into bed. When you run into him again, I would avoid ANY conversing beyond "hello" or "beautiful weather!" then scurry off away from him quickly. Don't give him the opportunity to come on to you again, and if he does try then you really have to cut him off at the knees and bluntly say, "This is inappropriate and disrespectful, we really can not have this conversation" and walk away.

As far as not wanting to let him go completely, that's hanging on to your younger days- and everyone egst it... but most of us have also learned the hard way you have to focus on the here and now. You'll never be that young exciting young woman again- its over, gone, finito... and thats okay!! Now you are a mature, blessed woman who has a man who loves her and a child (children?) who depend on her. Time to let this one go and move on completely, before you ruin several lives other than your own.

[azul99]

whenever he pops into your head during fantasy play think about England instead.

I am LMAO

I also find his comments to you REALLY inappropriate, its obvious they flattered you but honestly out the shoe on the other foot and imagine a sexy woman saying such things to your husband.

This isn't prince charming hun, or he never ever would have said such a thing- not when he has his own committed relationship and child and knows you do too. That's not love or anything special, thats just a man on the prowl for a piece of ass. I know that sounds cold, but I truly believe NO man would try to speak a womans love language to her unless he wanted to woo her into bed. When you run into him again, I would avoid ANY conversing beyond "hello" or "beautiful weather!" then scurry off away from him quickly. Don't give him the opportunity to come on to you again, and if he does try then you really have to cut him off at the knees and bluntly say, "This is inappropriate and disrespectful, we really can not have this conversation" and walk away.

As far as not wanting to let him go completely, that's hanging on to your younger days- and everyone egst it... but most of us have also learned the hard way you have to focus on the here and now. You'll never be that young exciting young woman again- its over, gone, finito... and thats okay!! Now you are a mature, blessed woman who has a man who loves her and a child (children?) who depend on her. Time to let this one go and move on completely, before you ruin several lives other than your own.

I totally agree with this.

I'm sorry this is so hard, ST.

[aleutsi]

Before DH and I were married, but when we were dating, I hooked up with ex-bf one night and we had sex. That night we talked about getting back together, but I did not want to bc I had a child with my now DH and did not want to complicate matters(I know... sex did that), so we parted that night and have not seen each other since.


The above is why he said the below...


You are still so beautiful, more beautiful than I remembered. I think about you so often and still laugh with you and love on you in my dreams." I gave him a quick hug and said that I hoped that he was happy, that I really wished that for him. He then said that he was as happy as he could ever be without me and that he would always love me and never understand why we were not together. I know it sounds so corny, SO CORNY, but that is how I feel. It sounds so dramatic and player-like, but it is actually genuine.

The best players are genuine. I'm sure he really really means it, but he's saying it because you left your now DH's arms to be with him once before and he expects you will again.

What you need to do now is think of England, like PQ said (unless his name is England!) and focus on why you made your original choice to be with your DH over this man - THAT is your closure. This other guy didn't get away, you chose not to go down life's road with him and you chose to go walk this path with your now DH. Your choice was based on more than just sharing a child, right?

And look to your child(ren), this other man is not at all in them - he is a stranger to them. Look in their eyes, that is all your DH and you, whether adopted or biocreated, you and your DH have influenced them into who they are... of course their own selves are in there as well. But focus on that. Focus on how they look at your DH, focus on the things you do as a family. Think only on the good of your relationship with your DH and your family. Dismiss the bad for a while, you need a dousing of all that is good with your family.

[sarahs]

{{{ST}}} I empathize, I really do. I have had similar feelings for someone from my past. I suspect many (most?) of us do and the feelings are more or less strong at different times in our marriages.

I will echo others' advice to push this aside and focus on your marriage. I have remained friends with my X throughout our marriages, however, there have been times, when, because of my own vulnerability I have had to keep my distance, not go to events, not leave anything to chance. I have gone long periods with no contact when I felt he was being inappropriate or I was in a bad place.

I know that both of us are where and with who we are supposed to be but the ghost of our relationship will always be there, a part of me. What I can't do is let that ghost be more than a misty presence I blow away. My life is too important to screw it up. I also know at the age of 49 that my feelings for my X are as much about my youth as they are about the reality of him today.

Wishing you much peace and happiness.

[sarahs]

Beautifully said Annie! Thank you. (nt)

[Sensitive Topic]

Thank you all for you thoughtful responses. I know you are all right. I just needed it spelled out to me nice and clear like so I can actually do it. I definitely think some behavior therapy along the lines of thinking of something unpleasant or at least neutral as soon as he comes to mind might help. This sucks. It sucks so bad. I dream about him every night and it makes it so hard not to think about him during the day.

Thank you.

[Kerry]

Truthfully, I think that I would be far 'happier' with my ex than I am with DH. I am mostly content with DH, but not really happy

I think there's your issue right there. It's not so much about the X, but it's about your dissatisfaction in your marriage. If you want to be married, then you need to focus on improving your happiness and contentment in your marriage. I imagine once that happens, your thoughts of and obsession with your X will fade.

I speak from experience. About six months before XH and I split, my first love ("Mr. Big" from MN) called me out of the blue after not having any contact with him for 12 years. After that call, he was all I could think about. When I split from XH, I then contacted him and we dated for a couple months. I was able to realize that we were not right for each other and a relationship would never have been able to work. I know now that my obsessive thoughts about him were not about HIM, but about my unhappiness in my own marriage.

[kathy caribe]

I think it was Robin who said that even with your "soulmate" it isn't easy and I really think this is key.

I am absolutely CERTAIN that Jamie and I are meant for each other. I cannot, even when he is being a dickhead and I have all the stress and responsibility, imagine myself with someone else. We don't necessarily complete each other but we MESH Really Well. When I got pregnant with Jesse and we broke up, I really wasn't all that broken up because I KNEW, deep deep down, that we are meant for each other and one day we'd get back together. I have always felt this way about him.

He drives me absofuckinglutely INSANE on a daily basis. Stuff he does, the WAY he does stuff, the way he thinks, the essence of him can drive me absolutely insane. Sometimes I wish I could take a vacation from him. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me at times. :)

So, even with someone you are so "perfectly" matched to, there are issues. There will ALWAYS be issues. And I think that even with your ex, you would have issues. Only the Buddha would not have issues. :) But I bet his wife would.

[another shannon]

I think it was Robin who said that even with your "soulmate" it isn't easy and I really think this is key.

I am absolutely CERTAIN that Jamie and I are meant for each other. I cannot, even when he is being a dickhead and I have all the stress and responsibility, imagine myself with someone else. We don't necessarily complete each other but we MESH Really Well. When I got pregnant with Jesse and we broke up, I really wasn't all that broken up because I KNEW, deep deep down, that we are meant for each other and one day we'd get back together. I have always felt this way about him.

He drives me absofuckinglutely INSANE on a daily basis. Stuff he does, the WAY he does stuff, the way he thinks, the essence of him can drive me absolutely insane. Sometimes I wish I could take a vacation from him. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me at times. :)

So, even with someone you are so "perfectly" matched to, there are issues. There will ALWAYS be issues. And I think that even with your ex, you would have issues. Only the Buddha would not have issues. :) But I bet his wife would.

nt