teenagers and sneaking out

[niteowll]

Soooooo. I am starting to enter the slippery slope of knowing more about what is going on with the kid's friends, than some of the parents know. In this example, I am good friends with the mom, DH is friendly with the father. DD *13 slept over there and around 1 am her friend rec'd a text from her sister *14 asking them to unlock the back door. Friend did, and an hour or so later, Sister came in and begged them both to lie about what time she came home. They both said they would not lie, so she went to her room and hid until mid morning, and acted like she just got home. DD told me this story and I feel kinda weird knowing this, but not really feeling like telling the parents. I just don't think they would do anything, and then by not doing anything, basically they would be setting the ground rule that this sort of thing is fine for the girls to do.

I know I played the game "I'm sleeping at so and so's house" and instead stayed out quite late or went to friends houses where there weren't parents, but this was after we were all driving, so we were 16 or older. The family lives in an area where the sister would have had to be driven home by SOMEONE. I'm feeling like I shouldn't be letting my dd stay overnight there, based on this and a few other things, but I also feel like I am too much of an overprotective mother sometimes.

I know DD"s friend is very much into texting people that she met on myspace, that she has never met, and has her name and school on her myspace, and that really bothers me, but not a lot I can do about that. I worry that DD's friend will meet with someone she met online and DD will get dragged into something. Friend and parents don't seem to worry as much about these things as I do, yes I am a huge worrywart. I wonder sometimes if it is because they are from Small town USA, and I was raised by a new york street smart mom, in a more urban/suburban environment. I talk to DD about being careful, internet safety, and trusting her gut. I know I have to trust that she will know the right thing to do but I just can't seem to relax when she is with this friend. Unfortunately right now, it is the only friend she has.

I thought I would feel better typing it out, but I don't :( I don't like this teenage stuff.

[aleutsi]

Soooooo. I am starting to enter the slippery slope of knowing more about what is going on with the kid's friends, than some of the parents know. In this example, I am good friends with the mom, DH is friendly with the father. DD *13 slept over there and around 1 am her friend rec'd a text from her sister *14 asking them to unlock the back door. Friend did, and an hour or so later, Sister came in and begged them both to lie about what time she came home. They both said they would not lie, so she went to her room and hid until mid morning, and acted like she just got home. DD told me this story and I feel kinda weird knowing this, but not really feeling like telling the parents. I just don't think they would do anything, and then by not doing anything, basically they would be setting the ground rule that this sort of thing is fine for the girls to do.

I know I played the game "I'm sleeping at so and so's house" and instead stayed out quite late or went to friends houses where there weren't parents, but this was after we were all driving, so we were 16 or older. The family lives in an area where the sister would have had to be driven home by SOMEONE. I'm feeling like I shouldn't be letting my dd stay overnight there, based on this and a few other things, but I also feel like I am too much of an overprotective mother sometimes.

I know DD"s friend is very much into texting people that she met on myspace, that she has never met, and has her name and school on her myspace, and that really bothers me, but not a lot I can do about that. I worry that DD's friend will meet with someone she met online and DD will get dragged into something. Friend and parents don't seem to worry as much about these things as I do, yes I am a huge worrywart. I wonder sometimes if it is because they are from Small town USA, and I was raised by a new york street smart mom, in a more urban/suburban environment. I talk to DD about being careful, internet safety, and trusting her gut. I know I have to trust that she will know the right thing to do but I just can't seem to relax when she is with this friend. Unfortunately right now, it is the only friend she has.

I thought I would feel better typing it out, but I don't :( I don't like this teenage stuff.


I would definitely tell the parents everything and if I wasn't comfortable with their concern or reaction, I'd not let my kids stay overnight with them anymore.

And to anyone who knows more about my kids than I do... TELL me, please!

[niteowll]

I would definitely tell the parents everything and if I wasn't comfortable with their concern or reaction, I'd not let my kids stay overnight with them anymore.

And to anyone who knows more about my kids than I do... TELL me, please!

ok, I know you are right. I was trying to justify it in my mind to not tell them. I have totally disagreed with some of their parenting in the past, and I feel like I am being totally judgmental. And since it is a case where I haven't walked in their shoes, sometimes I feel like the people who pointed fingers at me when Eric was throwing tantrums as an older child due to his sensory and other issues.

And then at what point do my children stop telling me things, y/k? Like maybe the girl starts riding in cars with people who are drinking, and my kids don't want to tell me anything because I end up going to the parents? What is a tell-able offense???

[Rosemary]

Oh I'm so right there with you. Not the same details but in knowing more about what is going on with other kids than their parents know. It's not a good place to be.

[Rosemary]

ok, I know you are right. I was trying to justify it in my mind to not tell them. I have totally disagreed with some of their parenting in the past, and I feel like I am being totally judgmental. And since it is a case where I haven't walked in their shoes, sometimes I feel like the people who pointed fingers at me when Eric was throwing tantrums as an older child due to his sensory and other issues.

And then at what point do my children stop telling me things, y/k? Like maybe the girl starts riding in cars with people who are drinking, and my kids don't want to tell me anything because I end up going to the parents? What is a tell-able offense???

I have had to weigh some things and I did decide in some cases not to tell. For instance my one girlfriend talks all the time about her kids not allowed to be on myspace. Well her 15 year old has a myspace. I found out accidentally. After thinking about it, I decided not to broach it, because I think she suspects he does anyway, and maybe this is bad reasoning on my part, but he's not using it to meet strangers, he's using to to share with his friends. I don't think he is unsafe by having one. But I have told a parent about her son drinking in my driveway. I feel drinking at 15 is more serious and has the potential for harm. Maybe bad logic, but I can't get into telling parents everything. My friend is very bright, it would take nothing for her to find out about her son's myspace activity...if she wanted to. I suspect she knows but doesn't want to go there with him. But dangerous behavior, illegal behavorior, destruciton of property, fighting, I will definately tell. M knows this, and so far he seems fairly open with me. It's hard having teens...I never fully understood until I got there. He's a great kid, he really is, and what the kids are doing is very normal, but, you want your child to be safe and make good decisions, and you also know deep down they are not always going to make good decisions.

Ugh.

[indigo]

I have had to weigh some things and I did decide in some cases not to tell. For instance my one girlfriend talks all the time about her kids not allowed to be on myspace. Well her 15 year old has a myspace. I found out accidentally. After thinking about it, I decided not to broach it, because I think she suspects he does anyway, and maybe this is bad reasoning on my part, but he's not using it to meet strangers, he's using to to share with his friends. I don't think he is unsafe by having one. But I have told a parent about her son drinking in my driveway. I feel drinking at 15 is more serious and has the potential for harm. Maybe bad logic, but I can't get into telling parents everything. My friend is very bright, it would take nothing for her to find out about her son's myspace activity...if she wanted to. I suspect she knows but doesn't want to go there with him. But dangerous behavior, illegal behavorior, destruciton of property, fighting, I will definately tell. M knows this, and so far he seems fairly open with me. It's hard having teens...I never fully understood until I got there. He's a great kid, he really is, and what the kids are doing is very normal, but, you want your child to be safe and make good decisions, and you also know deep down they are not always going to make good decisions.

Ugh.

I agree. I tell if I think what the kid is doing is dangerous. I don't necessarily tell if what the kid is doing is against the parents' rules. For example, K's friend is obsessed by a certain tv show that she's not allowed to watch. So much so that she and K were talking about making a video spoof of it. Her mom thought that she never watched it, but she just watched it on the internet! It was alittle awkward the time that the mom talked about her daughter never watched the show!

I didn't tell the mom. I didn't think it was dangerous. I just stayed out of it and the status now is that she's allowed to watch the show and they watch it together. So it all worked out.

But the original situation in this thread, ew, that's borderline. A kid coming in late? i wouldn't tell. But if there's reason to believe the kid was doing something dangerous? I guess I'd tell, but I'd have to be pretty sure.

[niteowll]

Oh I'm so right there with you. Not the same details but in knowing more about what is going on with other kids than their parents know. It's not a good place to be.
so that leads to another question.... do you think that means someone elses parents know more about MY kids than they are telling me?? (and what icon do I need here?!) I mean, we can't know EVERYTHING...

[Rosemary]

so that leads to another question.... do you think that means someone elses parents know more about MY kids than they are telling me?? (and what icon do I need here?!) I mean, we can't know EVERYTHING...

that the people I know would tell me if they thought my son was engaging in behavior that could be harmful to himself or others. Things like say, having a myspace, right now he is not allowed to have one, although he has had one in the past that we knew about...if he does, and a parent wants to tell me about it, so be it - I don't really care or expect another parent to tell me something like that, because I think I could figure it out on my own, and also, unless he was using it to meet strangers on the net, which I do think is risky, I don't necessarily see the harm in it, I just don't like it, and it's one of our rules. I just don't know, like I said, I hope if it was risky behavior, a parent wouldn't keep it from me. I think I've pretty much made myself open to people and that I would want to know. It will get trickier next year as he will be in a new school, where I don't have the security of knowing all the parents of the kids there.

Fun stuff huh?

[Cat]

[QUOTE=niteowll;20228]Soooooo. I am starting to enter the slippery slope of knowing more about what is going on with the kid's friends, than some of the parents know.



Argh. I feel for you on this one.

I may change my tune when I get there - but at this point, my view is that my primary responsiblity is to my relationship with my own kid. So, I'd start out with the line that Indigo drew - I'd only tell if it were an issue of safety.

BUT in addition, I'd also always talk to my own kid first to see if they understood and agreed with my decision. It may be harsh and unneighborly, but if I thought there was ANY likelihood that talking to the kids parents would make it less likely that my own child would tell me things in the future, I wouldnt' tell.

-Cat

[niteowll]

BUT in addition, I'd also always talk to my own kid first to see if they understood and agreed with my decision. It may be harsh and unneighborly, but if I thought there was ANY likelihood that talking to the kids parents would make it less likely that my own child would tell me things in the future, I wouldnt' tell. -Cat
I generally ask my daughter if she is telling me BECAUSE she wants me to tell, or because she wants me to know and just needs to tell someone. I didn't ask her that this time, and when I approached her, I told her that I worried that the sister had been doing something risky, like drinking/driving/drugs ? etc. She said that she wondered too, and watched her for a while to see if she was acting funny. She thought the sister was acting normal, so she went back to bed. She asked me not to tell.

[Jill]

I generally ask my daughter if she is telling me BECAUSE she wants me to tell, or because she wants me to know and just needs to tell someone. I didn't ask her that this time, and when I approached her, I told her that I worried that the sister had been doing something risky, like drinking/driving/drugs ? etc. She said that she wondered too, and watched her for a while to see if she was acting funny. She thought the sister was acting normal, so she went back to bed. She asked me not to tell.

I don't think I would tell, but I wouldn't allow my dd to sleep there anymore, and I'd talk with her about why.

[aleutsi]

It will get trickier next year as he will be in a new school, where I don't have the security of knowing all the parents of the kids there.

Fun stuff huh?

Yeah, I don't go flag down every parent of every kid my children know (shoot, DD tallied up her close friends and it came to 75 :eyes: - can you imagine the number if she went to traditional public school! LOL) and detail to them all the bad things my kids have told me those kids have done. But if it happens while my child was spending the night at their house - or their child at my house, or if I personally witnessed it, then I'm going to bring it up.

There have been a few things parents have come to me about with my kids and I've appreciated every time a parent has come to me like that. Mainly because they approach me in a respectful parent to parent way - like Hey, I noticed this happened and just wanted to give you a heads up. No judgment on what they think I should do. I've done the same and the parents also appreciate me coming to them.

[Bonny]

I think I'll just echo the others wrt safety. I havn't been in this type of situation - yet - but I plan to follow in my friend's example in that if my kid's friends are going to involve/confide in them wrt dangerous or illegal behavior, they will have 1 week to tell their parents about it before I do.

[sarahs]

I agree. I tell if I think what the kid is doing is dangerous. I don't necessarily tell if what the kid is doing is against the parents' rules. For example, K's friend is obsessed by a certain tv show that she's not allowed to watch. So much so that she and K were talking about making a video spoof of it. Her mom thought that she never watched it, but she just watched it on the internet! It was alittle awkward the time that the mom talked about her daughter never watched the show!

I didn't tell the mom. I didn't think it was dangerous. I just stayed out of it and the status now is that she's allowed to watch the show and they watch it together. So it all worked out.

But the original situation in this thread, ew, that's borderline. A kid coming in late? i wouldn't tell. But if there's reason to believe the kid was doing something dangerous? I guess I'd tell, but I'd have to be pretty sure.

Yes, exactly.